2010

Here’s my last blog for 2010. I’m writing it at a church here in Corvallis Oregon that acts as a women’s shelter during the winter so homeless women have a warm place to sleep at night. It’s 3 AM and I have to stay awake in case the police drop anyone off here, or the women need anything. My mom is asleep until I decide I can’t stay awake anymore, and then she’ll take the next shift. It’s a kinda funny way to end the year. Its proof that I never really know where God is going to lead me and its more fun to just let Him do all the directing because I get to do sweet stuff like this.

A woman came into the room I’m hanging out in at about 1 am wanting to know if I could get her something to drink. She wasn’t feeling very well. At first I wondered if she was a little “off” mentally, which could definitely be the case, but as she began to talk and I learned that she had been drunk all day. I realized that I was getting the partially still drunk version of the story. I wonder what she’ll say in the morning once she’s had a chance to sleep some of it off.

Despite her current state she was saying some pretty truthful things. She kept saying how it was all her fault, how she had not gone to the bank, and she lost her bike, and she didn’t go get a shower today because she had decided “like a fool” to drink the day away. “It was only a few bottles of whiskey.” she said, so casually. My hour with her became a profound lesson in what happens when you put your own selfish desires first. I didn’t get her life story, I don’t know anything past what her day looked like, but from that I saw a woman that let alcohol dictate what she would do. She was horribly distraught to think about all that she didn’t do. She said she needed to go to the doctor but was too drunk to go and because of that she didn’t get her meds.

As I sat at the table and listened to this poor woman who was obviously starved for conversation, I thought to myself, “I don’t want to serve anything or anyone other than God.” It doesn’t seem worth it. I wonder what she thinks of when she looks at the past year. Will she remember most days? Or will she have days or weeks that are blacked out? When I look back at 2010 I see a year that can only be described as the strangest ride of my life. It started out at PLBC prepping for tour team, getting involved with the gong show, at one point I was dressed as a nerd named Martine, but we won’t talk about that… Then I was on tour, traveling all the way to New York City a place that I had only dreamt of going and didn’t think I would actually ever get to see. Then there was Grenada. Wasn’t that just a random time in my life?!?!?!?1 hahaha. God taught me so much about waiting on Him and following Him no matter where He leads. Then I got back to BC for another semester and was challenged in ways I never wanted but it was so good. God kept telling me to wait, to wait on Him, so that’s what I did. And honestly, I’m not too proud of the way I ended the semester but I survived it and I’m stronger because of it.

I have a pretty incredible life and it’s because of my God. Its not because of me following my selfish desires, it has been a journey of me blindly walking in faith listening to God’s voice directing my steps. This is a lesson that I’m learning every single day. It starts with waking up and saying “Good Morning God!” and remembering that He is our focus, we are not our focus.

Thank you God for an unbelievable year. You always exceed my expectations! Lets take on 2011! You and me, God! Its just You and me!

Manifesto

Recently I've been on a mission to develop what I call my Dating Manifesto. And I suppose listening to all three sessions of Loveology by John Mark the pastor of The Way in Portland has sparked an interest to get all of my thoughts down in writing. Mostly so I can refer back. I've blogged before briefly about a few of these things, but I'm trying to link all of this together, so bear with me. So here goes nothing, my attempt to capture the millions of thoughts swarming around in my head on my life and dating.

dramatic pause

I am nearly 21 years old and I am single. By choice? Negatory. Happy about it? Yes. WHAT? Yeah, I said it. Love in the physical Hallmark card sense is something I've yet to experience. Never have I held a boys hand, or cuddled on the couch, and never have I kissed anyone. Now according to what the media wants you to believe, I would be among the minority. However, that's not exactly true. I know there are lots of people out there in the same boat as me, we just don't seem to broadcast it : ) But here I am and I'll shout it from the mountain tops. I have EVERYTHING to give my future husband.
I've been labeled in the past as the rough American girl with the redneck family. I was raised a tomboy. I can shoot a gun just as good as most guys. I don't have a problem talking about farts and poop. I've never been seen as the "princess" type. But believe it or not, I'm probably one of the biggest "hopeless romantics" you'll ever meet. Get past my tough exterior and you'll find the woman inside that just wants to be loved.
With several years of singleness behind me, I've had my fair share of time to develop my "list." Now before you roll your eyes and think "oh dear, THE LIST." I'd like to think my list is a little different then most. The typical reputation of a "My perfect guy list" (in pink glitter pen) is a list of stupid requirements that are absolutely impossible for any guy to achieve or to look like. And any girl that's going to rely on such nonsense better get used to seeing movies alone. BUT my list is different. I have zero expectations on appearance. Black hair, brown hair, no hair, I really couldn't care less. Sure us girls just melt at the sight of bulging biceps but that's not one of my requirements. I know that God has someone incredible lined up for me and I don't want to have any expectations of his appearance.

So here's a little glimpse of my list, or better said, what I'm waiting for:
I'm waiting for a man who doesn't compromise on the dreams that God has put in his heart. A man that has the guts to pursue his calling without question. A man that has the drive to get things done.
I'm waiting for a man who's love for the Lord is visible and contagious. A man that will be my spiritual leader.
I'm waiting for a man who is chaos to my order. Someone who will balance me and teach me to lighten up.
I'm waiting for a man who will be my poet warrior. Sensitive to his emotions, to the Spirit, and to my emotions and needs. But a man that will fight for what he wants, for what I want, and for what God wants.
I'm waiting for a man that will pursue me. A man that sees me for who I am and sees me also for who I will be as his wife and the mother of his children. A man who despite my independent personality, dares to approach me and become vulnerable with me and share his heart. A man who really cares to get to know me.

So how does that play out in dating?
Considering that I have so much to give to this man, and so do all girls, I cannot afford to settle. Those "requirements" "expectations" or whatever you want to call them that I just listed; are found in my future man. He will possess all of them and he will find me. Therefore, I refuse to pursue any guy in any way. I also will not waste my time "crushing" on guys because that truly is a waste of my time and a waste of space in my heart. Girls can get so caught up in liking someone that they can sort of "emotionally date" them and they can actually give their heart to this guy without him even knowing it. I am no exception. I speak from experience. But I stand now, firmly declaring that I will not waste time on any guy that is not the one that God has planned for me. I believe that I was designed with him in mind and that he will complete me and I him. In my own life, there will be no dating anyone I'm not 100% sure that he will be my husband. I will not give away my first kiss to anyone who isn't him. There will be no settling.

So that's me. That's what I'm waiting for. But how does this work with everyone else? Well, girls, you are worth so much. No matter where you are in your path, past relationships or not, you have A LOT to offer your future husband. I think that so often girls don't see their own value so they go around seeing themselves as cheap and acting like it. But that's not the case! As daughters of the King we are worth waiting for. And so are our husbands!

Ok, its getting really really late and I need to go to bed. There's a piece of my thoughts as of late.

Somewhere Only We Know

Ok, I'm home. I can breathe right? Then why do I still feel a weight on my chest? Why aren't I magically all better? Well maybe I should give myself a break. I have only been home for 4 hours. Can't everything fall back into place immediately? Wouldn't that just be nice. That would be more than nice, it would be unbelievable. Totally unreal. Totally not ever gonna happen.
The semester was chaotic. It had ups and downs. I feel like I just watched everything happen in slow motion. I sat back and observed all the changes and now I'm just realizing the effects of them all.
I have some silly goals for this break. Write my gong show skit, complete some sort of TV marathon with my sis, and make a BOSS dinner for my fam. But my real goal for this break is to recover. I need to deal with the things that were holding me back last semester and move on from them. I'm not taking this heavy load into 2011.

December

Caught in a jet stream
Removed to utter desolation
In the midst of starless chaos

Oh December what have you done?

Cold hard facts
Of change I didn't ask for
Of pain I didn't want

Oh December what have you done?

Confusion why are you here?
Doubt please go away
Indecision rid yourself

Oh December what have you done?

Pause.... Ok, Go

One week from tomorrow my lovely Serena Rachel Robinson will be returning from Grenada. The thought of her homecoming has made me so incredibly excited but it has brought on a different emotion. I absolutely 100% do not regret my decision of coming home. I have never once questioned that choice. However, when I came home I guess I just expected to be doing more. I think I had convinced myself that by coming home God would give me a reward and make all my dreams come true within like 5 days of coming home. What did I learn in Grenada again? Oh right, that God knows the timing and He knows the plan and I should be so misguided to say that I think I can predict Him.
I'm reminded what God told me at the end of last year when He called me to leave Surrey Pentecostal Assembly and told me just to go to church for a while. To get filled because I was running myself dry. I didn't know that was for the year 2010 when I started it. I think if I knew that God would be doing this for the whole year, I might not have done it at all. I love to work with teens. I LOVE to work for the church. It's been my life since I was a kid. I was always helping out in every area of the church.
So I might be a intern junkie. I might be a control freak that wants to help out with anything I can get my hands on. What did I learn this year? Calm down. Worry less, live more. Maybe its good just to sit in a church service every once and a while and just soak in the Word of God and His people. This has been one of the hardest seasons of my life and God knows it.
Next semester marks the semester where I get involved again. I'm unbelievably excited and I hope that when I dive in I can remember what I have learned this year.

I Need More Drama

I'm twenty years old, going to college, and single. I have plenty of drama in my life. However, what I am severely lacking are stage lights, roll away sets, and long drawn out elaborate dance scenes. Yes, I need some theater. I love the theater the most, more than art, more than music even. Imagine how I must feel about being here in BC for 2.5 years without seeing a single show! When I was younger I was a stage freak. I was in every play I could get my hands on. I even competed in a few drama competitions. Now fast forward to now, and the closest thing I can get to that is silly drimes and gong show skits. I need a musical. I need a play. I need some drama!
I'm at a school that focuses on music which is great, don't get me wrong I love music. But its so hard for me to watch all my friends get so into their music and live out daily what they love while I'm trying to find a way to do what I love. I guess I made a sacrifice by coming to PLBC. Obviously, PLBC doesn't have a drama department and I know that God wants me here right now, but I also know what God gave me this gift, this passion, for a reason. I need to figure out how to make all of this work. For the mean time.... I need to see a show. That would be my perfect Christmas present.