Flip Flop

I am two minded. One mind says "I'm ok", that I'm content. The other says "I'M SO MISERABLE!" Which one will win? Somedays I am happy and sincerely satisfied with life, but others I concede to my more melancholy side. Its draining to flip flop back and forth and I find myself wondering who I really am. Am I happy or am I sad?

Victory in Victoria

This weekend was precisely what I needed. I need to be away from campus, away from all my stress, and to just relax. I officially LOVE Victoria BC.

And Out of the Darkness There Came a Light...

I've had a difficult begining. I put too much stock in the fall and my life imploaded on itself. I was experiencing a dark night of the soul, and it was rough, real rough. Too many tears, fits, and outragious thoughts. I had to put an end to it.

Sunday night I cried and yelled it out with God. He was clear, "Who are you serving? Yourself? Or me?" Wow, seems so simple yet entirely profound. I had been serving myself. I made a turn around. Along with Courtenay and Serena I wrote down all the lies I'd told my self and all the stuff I'd been focusing on. I wrote these down before I left to pray so afterwards I realized that all that I'd written down were things that I'd been serving. I burnt them and watched the ashes blow away. And I felt a peace. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I am empty ready for God to fill me. Pour it on God!

I'm Getting Used To It

Broken Heart by Motion City Soundtrack

I’ll start this broken heart
I’ll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I’ll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that’s yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love
But I get carried away with every day

And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it
I’ll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They’ll never guess what’s not inside
I’ll express myself with ease,
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they’ll talk to me
But I get carried away with every page
In every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it
I’ll destroy this useless heart
I’ll mess it up so it’ll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone
But I get carried away
with every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it, you just have to live with it

I don't want anyone reading this blog to think that I have a broken heart, but so many of these lines are far too true for me right now.

This Is For Real

I'm so glad that I created this blog this year. Its proved to be my point of release. What a healthy positive way to unleash everything that's pent up inside. A couple of nights ago I took some time to read through the past couple of months of posts. I sat in a dark room and read them out loud so that my own ears could hear all that God has done for me this year. This blog is a testimony of God incredible grace in my life.

Recently, starting at Rockridge, I've had such a focus switch. My focus is moving towards God, my job, and my friends relationship with God. And this is real, this is not me just saying that I've changed so that I sound "holy" it is an actual transformation. This hasn't been easy and its been a test after test from God to find out if this lesson is sticking. For example, Thursday morning I had a breakdown. I left early from class, took a drive, yelled at God, cried at God, and listened to God, it was beautiful. Afterwards I sat in a random parking lot in Newton and wailed on the phone with my mom. At the end of my pity fest with her she told me to worship and count my blessings because "if you can thank God in the midst of this then you have the world beat." This wasn't a new concept for me, I always struggle with worshiping despite my circumstances. But I knew I needed to champion this so I began to worship God for His ever present presence in my life. My attitude did a 180 immediately and my day ended up being pretty great. I know that was a test to see where I stood with God in the bad times. During worship we sang a song "You are God Alone" and a line said "and right now, in the good times and bad, you are on the throne, you are God alone". No matter what I'm going through God is still sovereign and He still cares for me. He is never distant He's as close as my skin.

Habits

"I need to say goodbye to all the metaphors and lies that have taken me years to come up with"

You know when you go down a old road in the forest and the path is so worn down that your tires just fall into the divots and follow the hundreds of tires that have forged the way? That's what my brain does. When I see someone I like or am semi-interested in I immediately fall into those divots. I am a creature of habit. The worst part of it is that when I find out that there is no future in him I think the same thing. "I'm not thin enough.", "I'm not beautiful enough.", "I don't flirt enough, he doesn't even know I exist.", "I'm not good enough.", "I'm never going to find anyone.", "I'm so sick of this." to name a few. But what I really need to do is train my brain not to think that way. I can't handle thinking that way, I'm not strong enough to continue doing that and I can't afford the emotional expense. But habits die hard. Its so easy to fall into a pool of self pity and drown in it. This will be a process.

Up There

I think I'm going to like this tower business. I like being distant. Not in a personality way, but in a "Are you worth my time?" way. Nothing stuck up, nothing pretentious. I really like the view from here. And from this tower I feel safe and up high I feel closer to God.