I'm not that girl anymore

Oh yea. I have a blog. So easily forgotten....

This month I was handed an incredible opportunity. A mysterious uncle of mine named Moses sent me a message asking me to be staff at Tillamook Outdoor School. Every year he does this to me! Every year he pulls on my heart via e-mail message and I fight the urge to go. But why would I want to go? Why would I want to go to a camp where I only know like 6 people? Why would I want to push my comfort bounds even farther? So every year I politely turn him down with some sort of excuse that is severely lacking in believability and every year he sends a gracious e-mail back pretending to believe my excuse and always saying "well maybe next year" knowing full well that I will never come back. It's not that I didn't have wonderful time my senior year in high school as a counselor. But it was hard back then to make friends and I knew it would be no different this year. Well, what I "knew" turned out to be completely absurd.

You see, I didn't factor in one very important component. I'm not that girl anymore.

The Jemima PLBC knows today is not at all who I was in high school. Let me paint the picture of who I was. I was non-existent. If you asked anyone from my high school what my name is they might be able to tell you considering my name is... unusual. But that's all they would have known. I was the girl that didn't talk, most definitely didn't have a personality, and didn't care to try and get to know anyone. I had my 5-6 friends and I thought it would be best to just keep it that way because then I wouldn't have to put myself on the line to make new friendships. I didn't want to risk rejection so I rejected myself. In retrospect it was foolish, but it was the only way I could deal with my severe social anxiety. I was sad really. I had a loud mouthed, opinionated, social girl inside of me but despite all my efforts I couldn't get her out. My self esteem was so low that if you graphed it, it would have been in the negatives. I hated myself, I hated my body, and I hated life. The only place I felt like I fit was at church because those were the people I knew from childhood and I was comfortable enough around them to be myself. That's probably why I have wanted to be a youth pastor because I want to make youth comfortable at church and help them grow like the people at my church did. High school was full of judgment and social classes and I despised it. I was significantly bigger then I am now, so that didn't win me any friendships with the popular, (later found out) bulimic girl crowd. I've never been interested in conforming to look like them but so many times in high school I wished I could be them. Life seemed easier. I had programmed my brain to hate myself. I related everything to my size. "If I wasn't such a whale then they would have picked me for their study group.", "If I wasn't so obese then I would be able to be social." etc... It was an act of God that got me to Outdoor School. I still don't understand how I committed to do it because it was so outside of my comfort zone. When I got there I discovered that my self esteem was so low that when we did the "web of life" exercise as a group of counselors I was convinced that this group of 12 people wouldn't be able to pick me up and lift me through the web. I actually thought I was so heavy that no group no matter how strong they were would be able to lift me. And when they did, something in me broke. Something changed. Something came alive.

Fast forward to where I'm at now. I drove up to camp on a Friday night and I was terrified. I was just hoping I would immediately see someone I knew and could cling to them for the rest of the week. Well camp doesn't work like that! I knew only a few people but I wasn't working with any of them. I was working along side four other staff members who I had never met. We lived in a shady house that we named "The Galaxy" because our role on staff was as STARs (Super Talented Adult Resource). We all slept in the same room and there was no escape for me. I had to socialize and I had to work at it! The first two days were a little rough because I had to remember all the songs for camp and act like I knew what I was doing for the sake of the counselors I was leading. But before I knew it the week was coming to a close and I had made lifelong friendships. The girl high schoolers I was mentoring were telling me that I was like a big sis and that some of the things I had told them at our little campfires they would keep with them for years. I had done the "web of life" again with complete confidence and success and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I am not the girl I once was. I love myself now, I understand who I am in Christ and I am able to be myself around people. It's crazy to see where I used to be and where I am now. But the week at camp was a great reminder of that.

HAVE TO

I've had two talks in the last week with guys about what they are looking for in a wife and what I'm looking for in a husband. After talking to them both about this topic I have decided my number one quality that I'm looking for, besides devotion to God because that just seems pretty obvious. For me, my number one HAVE TO is a guy that's driven. I have goals in life. My goal is to be a youth pastor and then grow from there into a stronger pastor position. That is my goal. I need a man that has a goal. It doesn't have to be the same goal as mine, but it needs to work with it. But I have to have a guy that has a goal and the motivation to push through towards that goal. I have decided the most unattractive quality in a person is someone who doesn't care about their future. I don't want a "floater". Also, sometimes I'm not decisive... I need someone who can take the lead and make the decisions. That takes drive.

In my room I have posted my dating covenant that I wrote for Spiritual Formation 2. Its a picture of a giant diamond ring and in the middle is my covenant. Or I like to call it my manifesto. The tag line in it is "I refuse to settle for anything less than what I am worth." And that's the truth.

The problem is that I can get so wrapped up in the "chase" of finding a guy. But lets be real. I didn't come to college to find a mate. I came to get closer to God and understand what my calling is, and currently my calling is blindly following the voice of my savior. And right now, He's leading me places alone. One day He'll bring someone to walk along side of me, but that's not now. God has proven time and time again that His plan is far greater than my own so I would be a fool to focus on something that He isn't putting in front of me. Jesus has my heart, it's an apartment for one.

At the Gate

During worship yesterday we sang a song with the line "You are my shield" and when we began to sing it I saw a vision of my heart. And in front of my heard was a large shield. The shield was beaten up, obviously well used in battle. The kind of shield that Russell Crowe would carry in any of his movies. His characters are full of battle experience, highly respected in battle, and not to be trifled with. I heard the Lord say, "That's my shield, and I'll guard your heart." I started to think about the awful job I've done in guarding my own heart. Time and time again at the third hour of the night I fall asleep at the gate. It's extraordinary actually. I'm such a bad guard that its like when the enemy comes, and I can sense him, that's when I choose to lay down and take a nap. Its almost like I want him to come in and attack my heart. But here's the good news. Jehovah never sleeps. I knew yesterday that God was calling me to give up the job and allow Him to step in and guard my heart. So many times in my life God calls me to give up control and allow Him to take over. It's proved to be a difficult task for me but its an area I'm growing in. I need to realize that God has good things in store for me so I can trust His control.

Dream World

Reoccurring dreams are a funny thing. I wonder what's going on in my subconscious to repeat a similar dream over and over. Its not so much a reoccurring dream as it is a reoccurring person. Someone that can completely penetrated the fabric of my mind. I guess its probably nothing, but I would like it to stop. Its getting ridiculous. Isn't my dream world supposed to be my escape from my real world problems? It would just be nice to not have any of these petty issues in my dream world.

VBS

As Serena and I walked home from the graduation ceremony for VBS we walked with our arms in the air, just like Rocky did at the top of those stairs. WE CHAMPIONED VBS! That was quite possibly the hardest children's ministry job I've ever had. Its a tie with my week at kids camp last year, and if you know how I feel about kids camp, you'll understand that VBS here was no cake walk.

But I can honestly say that I can now make a VBS out of nothing. We had nearly no money and barely any craft supplies, no fancy curriculum, no videos. We had a few teachers and a desire to reach out to these kids; and I found out that that's all you need.

Praise the Lord Serena and I are getting a break. We'll be going off to St. Georges for three nights and spending some valuable time with our missionary Rev Jacque at her house and also spending some valuable time on Grand Anse beach! haha. I think we deserve some tan time. : )

God, You are so good! You get me through the hard times and You never let me down.

Complacent.

Complacent. To be satisfied with ones current situation. To not move away from one's current location. To be stuck. To be dry. To be ok with mediocrity.

How can one person look at their life and say, "Alright, I'm good, I don't need to achieve anything else. I'm happy with everything just the way it is." Maybe its just me, maybe I'm the only person that can't be satisfied. I cannot be satisfied with mediocrity. This trip so far has been teaching me to press into the Word and to press into God. I will not be satisfied with what I had with God. I want more, I want it all. I want to be always moving, always growing, closer and closer to the Lord. I never want to be stuck and most of all I never want to be ok with that.

Another Update

I find myself questioning my effectiveness here. I realize that with missions you can't measure your success on anything. Your success lies in relationships. But I suppose it would be nice to have something tangible to say "look... this is what I did" but it looks like I won't be getting that. Somedays I feel so useless but I know that's the enemy speaking. I know that there is a reason I am here. I'm just not sure what exactly that reason is.

Overall things are on the up. Serena and I are finally getting into a routine which has proven very effective for adjusting us to the culture here. Having goals for the day is imperative for our mental health. The culture here is unbelievably laid back and its hard to adapt to that. I hear people at home saying they wish they could have some relaxation time but in reality what I'm in is a whole different beast. Boredom is Satan's open door. But Serena and I are battling him with positivity. We know that we can't allow him to bring us down.

We just wrapped up a week of VBS and have one more to go. We're being challenged because communication is lacking and organization is a foreign concept when it comes to this island. Sometimes we feel over our head in this whole VBS thing but we're not going to let that stop us. We're learning a lot about ministry all ready even though we've been involved in minimal events.