First Love

Forgive me first love

I may have lost my way

I was searching for something else

Something I thought would satisfy

Forgive me first love

I left you

But I'm back

Without you I felt alone

Forgive me first love

I was a fool

I did not find anything to satisfy

You are all I need

Forgive me first love

For not seeing You

I was blinded by my own selfishness

Forgive me first love

I am lost without you

7 days

7 days of prayer. 7 days to solve my problems. God I gave the situation to You. I gave up all my motives, intentions, future plans, I gave them to You. I know that You will come through. 7 days with my heart exposed. Waiting for You to do something. At the end of the 7 days it might not go the way I want but either way You have a plan. I need an answer in this situation I need guidance. Here is my fleece God. Here are my 7 days. You can either work a miracle or You can save me from a foolish mistake.  Either way You have my back. There is no lesser path. Here I am open for change, desiring the next step. I'm ready. I'm here. I'm waiting. 

Home is but a memory

I would really like to be home right now.

That's all I want. 

ALL I want. 

My Heart's Cry

I will never give in

The lies come in stronger

But they will never win 

I get tired, black and blue

Seems I can't go on any longer

But Your love gets me through

Cuts go deep, bruises never heal

Heavy weight on my shoulders

But to You I will always kneel

He's waiting

No matter how good your feeling there is always a way the enemy can sneak in a steal that good mood and replace it with a new terrible one. All smiles one minute and then.. disaster. The enemy is cunning. He'll do whatever it takes to pull you down. He watches you so that when the time is right he can attack you at your most fragile place. He's sick, deranged, and worst of all he's charming. He woes you. He beckons you. But God is bigger than all of that. He is righteous, mighty, and powerful. And when you're in the midst of the enemy's attack He says, "I am waiting for you." (Luke 15:11-32) He waits for you to see who's the one against you and run to Him. He's waiting. Just open your eyes and go.

What Got You Last Night?

Recently Spiritually I've been going through a rough patch. But God is so faithful to pull me out of those situations. All my life he's proven that. I was thinking about that this evening when I had to outline my testimony that I'll be sharing in Thailand in May. Reliving my past was harder than I thought. I was sitting in one of the library side rooms in near tears as my mind raced from one horrible memory to another. My chest grew tight and my breathing got heavier as I closed my eyes and pictured myself curled up in a ball crying my eyes out and screaming at the top of my lungs for my mom to come in my room and save me from my dreams. I could taste the salty tears and I could feel my hot breath under my covers. I remember waiting for the sound of my moms door because that meant that everything would be better. I remember every word she said to me. "Just worship Jemima. The demons will leave if you tell them too." Can you imagine? A ten year old kid yelling for the demons to leave at 3 o'clock in the morning. That was my childhood. Preschool until eighth grade. That's probably why I sleep so well these days, I'm making up for my past. The most compelling part of my story is what my mom asked me every morning. "What got you last night?" and I would always answer the same way. "Nothing Mama." She would always remind me that God is my protector and He is faithful and He is greater than the devil and He can manage anything Satan throws at me. 

So just worship Jemima. Worship Him because He is the mighty warrior and He has won! He has saved me from the evil one! Worship Him because it makes the demons leave. Worship Him because He deserves it. 

This Beautiful Place

My soul is in a dark place. A place where I feel totally removed from God, I feel alone, worthless, dry, useless, unloveable, and forgotten. I fear that I've been here for weeks; unable to hear the voice of God despite my desperate efforts. I cry out to Him and seem to hear no response. All I hear are the echos of my plea reverberating off the walls of the endless pit I scream them into. They sound pathetic and it sickens me. I feel completely rejected, abandoned, and removed. I feel ready to break.

As desperate as I feel I can't help but have faith in what will come. As I fall deeper and deeper my Father waits. He waits for the moment to catch me. The moment at which I'm broken enough that He decides He can fix me. As humans there is a point at which something is unable to be fixed, but with God, that's when He fixes things; when the faith and hope for saving has run out.

ok.....

I think I'm at that point.....

Please catch me.....