Scatter Brain

rantings.... thoughts... introspection

Falling deeper and faster into despair
Asking for answers
Will somebody care?

I can't shake this feeling
Desperately searching and
Looking for healing

Feeling, enclosed and entrapped
Trying to remember the day
I lost it and snapped

Being haunted and chased
By shadows and voices whom
I've never faced

Shadows making sure I never forget
Stirring up old feelings
And past regrets

Where is my relief?
I need a reprieve
Of all this sick grief

How long will this last?
Why am I waiting for answers
To questions I've never asked?

Like, "Why I am here?"
And "Wouldn't it be easier,
If I just disappeared?"

Left my problems for a while
Tossing all these feelings in a
Bin marked "junk pile"

Ran away and never looked back
Ignoring the shadows as
They wait to attack

Yeah that's what I'll do
Get rid of every person, crisis
And scream "WE'RE THROUGH"

But then where would I be?
Well alone again
What's wrong with me?

It's a vicious cycle I need to break
Get up out of bed
And finally awake

Open my eyes to world all around
To find that it was all a dream
Hope that my sanity will rebound

Change is a dirty word

Today I hate change. I hate sitting here wishing that things we back to the way they used to be. That friendships lasted, that all the laughs weren't forgotten. I can wish all I want but it won't change things.
Change is a terrible word. Change makes me cry. Makes me sit here alone wishing.
Let's never use change again. How about refashion, redesign, refine.
Yeah, that sounds better. Those words imply hope. I just need some hope that things are going to look up. That laughs will be replaced with bigger laughs. That this new year is going to be unparalleled.

Refashion.
Redesign.
Refine.

Devestation and Reform

Alright, here goes nothing. For the past few weeks God's put something on my heart. A realization that one year ago I was in Grenada, and then suddenly, I wasn't.
It's been one year and I haven't touched my journal. I've refused to even glance at those tear stained pages, soaked with emotion and covered in deep descriptive language. I got back from Grenada and I hid everything that happened away, far from anyone, including myself. I told myself I wasn't broken and everything was a bad dream. But those were lies. The truth was that I was broken and the reality of it was something I didn't want to deal with.
But it started this morning while I was sitting by the lake up at RockRidge during our annual fall retreat. The tears just started to flow as I began to process my brokenness.

It boils down to one thing. I've blamed God for all of this and harbored bitterness towards him. I haven't wanted to deal with it because it's just been easier to blame God for mistakes I made. But the truth is that I made poor decisions and I suffered the consequences. I'm not saying Grenada was a poor decision, but some of my motives were poor, some of the ways I dealt with adversary was poor, and my attitude was definitely poor.
Tonight I read through my journal, laughing at parts, crying at others. I couldn't get over how truly profound some of the things I had written were. Some things that I wrote on the first few days made me see how God was preparing me for the challenges ahead. I could see His hand through the whole trip.
There were some serious things I wrote about how I was feeling.
Such as (day four)
"I finally got to video chat with Mom and Dad and I cried my eyes out. It was so good to see them and hear their voices. Mom is always so encouraging to me. She makes me feel like I can do anything. I want to make them proud. Which Mom says is easy because she's already proud of me. I guess maybe I just want to make myself proud of me."
Wow. I read that and teared up. From the very beginning I allowed satan to feed me lies. I remember having the feeling that I needed to prove something. Prove that I was strong enough to do anything. That I was brave. That I was obedient. Where did that idea come from? There can only be one source and it isn't the Lord.
I've realized how strong I really am. These past few years haven't been easy but God has been refining me.
Isn't that how it works? Through the challenges God refines us, shapes us to be the soldier, the conqueror. Today is the day when all the pain I experienced last year in Grenada and the months after, finally makes sense. I was refined by fire, it burnt but it has had lasting effects. I've wasted so much time harboring anger against my God who never deserved it because I refused to ask "why?".

God forgive me. Let's move on.

Here's to.

Here's to facing fears and jumping off piers.
Here's to trying new things and growing my wings.
Here's to meeting new people and trying to find a cool word that rhymes with people.
Here's to being brave and putting my anxiety in the grave.
Here's to changes that are true and actually seeing them through.
Here's to a goal to grow and letting the Holy Spirit flow.
Here's to my last year at PLBC.

Alone

This week I embarked on a solo trip into Washington to promote the college at a couple of youth camps. I was totally ready to go down on my own considering one of my "21 things to do while I'm 21" was to go somewhere alone. The idea of being alone has always terrified me and at the age of 21, I think it's time to get over that.

The trip had it's ups and downs. Being alone proved to be more difficult then I'd like to admit and satan sure thought he had the best of me for a while. But in the end I found out some pretty sweet things.

1. He's there. Always. He was with me through the really challenging moments of the trip, through the anxiety of going to new places, through the frustration of flat tires and migraines, and through the times I nearly fell asleep at the wheel from exhaustion. In the moments that I didn't want to talk to Him because I was upset, He was there.

2. Satan is an idiot. For thinking that he could stop me.

3. I'm not waiting for anyone. I was alone promoting a college, visiting youth camps and one of the youth pastors was surprised that I came alone and seemed to be genuinely shocked after my presentation. I don't think he thought I could do it. haha. Surprise! I don't need anyone else to do what God has called me to do. This sounds silly, but I've thought for a while that I couldn't really start my ministry until I found my husband. It's always been my dream to be in ministry with my hubby, so I just figured I needed to wait until he found me and then I would follow him in ministry. Well.. here's the deal. I'm single. Yeah, and probably for a while from the looks of things, so I better get going on my own ministry. As I walk on the path God has set for me and as my future hubby does the same our paths will meet. If its next week, next month, next year, or whatever, as we're seeking the Lord everything will work out. My calling is my calling. I was not created to sit and wait around and twiddle my thumbs while people are doing great things for the Kingdom. NO WAY. This is my time to work!

blogs don't need a title, they need a rhythm.

I'm a satellite heart. Lost in the dark. You stop I start.

grrr..... sermons....

Sermon prep... cue the pre sermon melt down.

No matter how many times I do this I'm never comfortable up there. I'm never calm. I'm never confident.

Good thing God didn't call me to a life of comfort, He called me to a life of obedience! But why God, does my obedience have to give me the shakes and panic attacks? Why can't my obedience allow for a good night of sleep and a restful prep time?

Give me peace. Give me strength.