I Want To Succeed

If anyone knows me they know that I love to organize and I love to make check lists and work to finish those lists. It's the administrative gifting God has given me and some may laugh but I love paperwork. For the last week I've been saying everyday "Tonight I'm going to start packing up my room." But every night I don't do it. I simply walk into my room and then I walk out. Finally I forced myself to do it yesterday and afterwards felt mildly satisfied. I sat at the reception desk during the evening service last night and decided to make a list of all the things I need to get done at home before school starts and all the things I need to buy but yet again I didn't get that excited feeling like I usually do. I couldn't quite figure it out until I chatted with my dearest Jess. Things started to click. I realized that I was feeling unsatisfied and almost nauseous because I really didn't want to go back to school. I've put so much pressure on "the fall" that I'm not quite sure I want it to come. I'm worried that it won't be all that I've dreamt it to be. I look at the list of students signed up for dorms and I only know a few. I guess I'm mourning the past and wishing that fall could be an exact copy of last fall. But where's the growth in that? Where's the challenge?
I've been doubting my qualifications as RA as well. It's far more responsibility then I thought it was and I'm slowly realizing what I got myself into. I question the staff for picking me. I'm a second year! I really don't have my life together, I just put on a brave face. I'm a mess sometimes. Make that all the time. What do they see in me? God's been teaching me that I can do anything that He thinks I can do but I can't help but think that this whole RA thing is a mistake. Maybe they didn't really want me and I was their third or fourth choice. Maybe a fall back. It's hard for me to believe that I can do this. But I guess I can't do this. I can't even begin to think I can tackle this by myself. God got me into this job and He'll work with me to succeed. That's what I'm ultimately worried about. I'm worried that I will fail. I'm worried that I'll let the school and the students down. I want to succeed.