You Are Faithful

I've just realized that there has been an underlining theme this semester. "Ok God..... I believe that You are faithful and You will provide." Its not fully a declaratory statement, more of an attempt to convince myself of something. I keep telling my self that and hoping that I will eventually believe it. That's what this semester is truly about. I thought that my lesson of this semester would be training up my leadership skills but in reality it is a test to see how I respond in taxing situations. I hope I pass, because if I flunk it I'll have to take the test over again.

I'm on the road to reality, I don't know what's in front of me

Happy 100th post!

Thinking past to all my blog posts I look like I should be medicated for Bi-polar depression. Since I started this blog I've experienced my fair share of ups and downs. But I can't deny that through out all of this chaos God has been my constant. He is what I depend on in times of trouble and times of uncertainty. He is my safe harbor, my guiding wind, and my light house. He is my everything.

At 100 posts, I can honestly say that I am 100% satisfied with my life and where God has me. For example, currently I'm sitting in my room listening to Silas play blues on the guitar, Sarah is reading 2 Thessalonians, and Jess is just being Jess.... not really sure what's she up too. Sarah just wrote the SICKEST song line "I'm on the road to reality, I don't know what's in front of me." Straight brilliant. That's my blog in a nut shell.

Thank you God for what you've brought me through and what's you've got me in right now.

The Best Thing

I was listening to some Relient K and this song really spoke to me, I changed some of the words to fit my current situation.

Its been a semester filled with problems but why aren't You here to solve them?

I can't live in a world without You now.

All my life I've been searching for You, how did I survive in this world before You?

Cuz I don't want to live another day without You now.

I think I've expected God or someone else to solve all my problems, but in reality I need to step up to the plate and take care of myself. I've always wanted to be an adult.... well here you go.

Ugh

Ever got exactly what you wanted and suddenly not want it anymore?

Why don't I know what I want? I'm so back and forth about everything.

Sometimes I get myself into trouble.

Twinzies

Today I did something completely stupid. Something I would have never been caught dead doing in high school when I actually cared about my self image. The funny thing is that I cared so much for my "image" in high school that I really didn't have one. No one knew me because I didn't let anyone know me for fear that they would think I was too weird. Now a days I could care less about my "image". PLBC is family and with family you can let your guard down. Today I walked around school looking like a complete idiot dressed in ridiculous Thai diaper pants, soccer socks, flip flops, huge black glasses, and crazy hair all in the name of Twin Day. Serena and I lived the characters of Marlene and Martine, two dweebie twins that can't dress well but know how to party. We won the competition but mostly we won the satisfaction of doing exactly what we wanted while being completely supported by all our friends. Yes, they laughed at us, but I think they were all jealous that they didn't have the guts to do what we did. We had an a crazy idea and we went for it.

Hello Kim, Can We Be Friends Forever?

Two day worship fest with Kim Walker....

NEED I SAY MORE?!?!?!

She is truly amazing to worship with. This whole weekend was spectacular in every way. I bonded closely with Jess, Silas, Sam, and Matt and got to see my dear Josh at Eastside! Praise God for how He worked in all of our lives. I loved how we shared with each other about how God spoke to us and we prayed for one another. So cool! I feel totally refreshed and refocused!

Come On Baby, You Can Do It

Can this really be possible? Can it be only two weeks from today it's Thanksgiving? And only two weeks from that is my final class of this hellish semester? I have so much to do with so little time but I have all hope that I'll be able to get through it with help from my loving God. I need to write a paper on "How God is personal" and that's something I'm experiencing more and more each day. I have recently encountered a strength that is not my own, it is something that I don't even understand. I should be in the curled up in the corner crying my eyes out, but in fact I am excited about life and getting through each assignment one at a time. It's like God actually flipped on the headlights like I mentioned in my previous post. I can see the finish line and I'm picking up speed to get there. I want to finish well, I want to make my Daddy in Heaven proud.

Headlights

Ok God, this is the point where I need some strength. I'm so tired. I'm straight weary with all this work. Oh God, how can I possibly get this all done? I need some supernatural help.

"Help me out God I need a little something, turn the brights on I can't see where I'm going."

Blurr

In the midst of a blurry outlook and a whirlwind life I am beginning to see the beauty in my circumstance. I'm am championing a difficult time by looking to my King for clarity.

Treehouse

Tonight I sat at a table in Clements coffee area at our school among several other people for a near three hour concert showcasing many of my close friends. They covered the tables with white paper and left crayons in the center to coax our creativity. I sat with three of my closest girlfriends. Something was said, I don't know what, having to do with our singleness or past flings and a subtle sadness dropped on us. I decided to draw a tree. Leah quickly drew one that had fallen, and we giggled a little. I drew the trunk and contemplated how to make my tree. Most of us girls are notorious for drawing dead trees, mine are horrific, but Leah's are extraordinary. I mentally planned out each branch but I couldn't draw it out. I couldn't get myself to start it. It was right then when I decided that I was done with drawing dead trees, I would make a flourishing green one. I started on it and Silas came and sat down beside me. He leaned over and asked, "Are you drawing a tree?" I said yes, and he said, "Draw a treehouse." I scoffed and said, "I don't know how to draw those." "Yes you do, just draw it." He answered. I stared at my tree not knowing how to go about making in into a treehouse. But then I just went for it. It was pretty to say the least, but as I started to draw it I felt peace. I felt healing.

I didn't know how to draw a treehouse because I didn't know how to think that way. Let me explain. Obviously, due to the previous dead vs. alive tree comment, the tree is a metaphor for my life and I didn't know how to visualize a house in that tree. My picture of the future isn't positive and putting a house in that tree shows that I'm building my future. It shows that I have hope. That I'm standing firm on God's promises.

My tree has a house.

: )

Don't let my melancholy words fool you. I'm ok, I'm fine. I have to be. I have no other choice. Let me slip on my smile mask and then no one will know what's really going on underneath. I could probably explode emotions all over you, but I'll control myself. I have to keep it together.

I Need an Escape

I just feel like I'm spinning in a dark room. I can't tell what's up or down and I'm aimlessly crashing into things. I'm bleeding and bruised with tear stained cheeks. I'm just trying to find a way out, an escape. Get me out. Get me out of this hell that I've put myself in.

Dreams

Ugh, lately I've been having such vivid dreams that I can actually feel them. While having most of my dreams I usually know that they're just dreams and aren't real, but these, are just as real as life. I know my dreams aren't from the Lord or anything, they are purely a reflection of what I want. Literally, my dreams coming true. That's what makes them so difficult to wake up to. I open my eyes and realize that in fact my life is the same as I'd left it and it's disappointing.