Dry Eyes

I'M SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I just want to cry. I just want to sob into my pillow but I can't. I haven't been able to cry for over a month and its beginning to get to me. I have PLENTY of things to cry about tonight and I just need that release but the tears won't come. Its past 11 on a school night and everyones in bed or off line for some reason therefore I don't have anyone to talk to so blog... you're all I have. I'm pretty sure that not even Extreme Home Makeover could dampen my dry eyes right now. Ugh. Is it weird that I want to cry? I've always thought of crying as a healthy release of emotion and can usually be strangely healing. When I can't cry it makes me feel nearly dead inside, emotionless; almost stoic. A vast nothingness...........

The Vast Unknown

I have a big decision on the forefront of my mind these days and its beginning to stress me out. I'm such a planner, I like to know exactly what's in the near future but right now I'm completely lost. I have this thing coming up and I need to know if its God calling me to it or if its just me. I don't want to go anywhere on my own terms because I know it will fall flat. God's been playing with my plans as of late, I think He enjoys doing that. "Ok Jemima, here's the path you've set up for yourself but it seems as though my path is about sixteen miles from your path.....so.... um... I'm going to need you to get over to my path. Trust me, its better." So now I'm worried about moving sixteen miles east because I've never been over there and the unknown makes me nervous. God, I need you right now more than ever. Speak clearly and I will obey.

Acts 1:9-10

I have to do some SOAPS for my Spiritual Formation 2 class. This idea has been on my mind the last fews days, in fact I incorporated it into my Lifegroup lesson on this past Tuesday.

S: “He was lifted up while they were looking on and a cloud received Him out of their sight. And as they were gazing intently into the sky while He was going, behold, two men white clothing stood beside them.” Acts 1:9-10

O: These men were most likely well acquainted with the Old Testament and most likely knew of Elijah’s ascension into Heaven but here right now they were watching what they had only read in the past. We cannot even begin to imagine what was going through their heads. Most likely at first they were distressed at the idea that Jesus was leaving them. He A: When Jesus comes I don’t want to be just standing there with my mouth open waiting for something “cool” to happen. I want Jesus to walk in on me doing something of importance. Like serving someone, or evangelizing. Its kinda like when your Grandma tells you to always wear clean underwear because you never know if you’ll end up in the hospital and that could be embarrassing to the family if you have dirty underwear. Haha, its like that. You never know what will happen so prepare.

P: God, I want to have busy hands and feet. I want you to be proud of me and all my accomplishments. I know you already are, but I want to try my best. Give me more opportunities to serve your people.

Worship

God's been working on me recently about why I worship. Why do I raise my hands in chapel or Sunday mornings, why do I go to Vespers on monday nights? He's been challenging me for an answer. I'll be completely honest, I think that mostly I worship to get something out of it. I worship to get a word, or to get an answer. God always speaks to me in worship, its like our own special place but I think that's become the focus of my worship. I want a brilliant word that will solve many of my current problems. I want a gift. But that's not what its about. Worship is about praising our Dad for all that He's done and all that He will do. It's about thanking Him for His presence in our life. Its about HIM! I know this seems obvious but I think that sometimes it gets lost. We memorize the lyrics of worship songs without pausing to think about what we're actually saying. We wait for the drums to come in and want to feel the vibrations of the base and we get excited, but is that what its about? My very existence on this planet is to glorify God and that's what its all about. I exist to worship.

Dreaming of a Michael in the Future

Look at this glorious man. We won't speak of his recent engagement. My friend Sam always says "Engagement is just a mountain." Or something to that effect, saying that until that license is signed its fair game. Haha. Oh Michael... I'm still here, waiting. Anyways, this beautiful man peach sings a song that gives me hope for my future. I've blogged about it before so I won't list the lyrics. I Haven't Met You Yet speaks of a lover that he's yet to meet that will turn his life around. I can't wait until the day I delete that song off my itunes because I won't need it. I think I actually might do that. One day I will meet the man of my dreams, "and I know that we can be so amazing, and baby your life is gonna change me." Positive hopeful days are few and far between so I figured I should probably blog it and document it so that my mom doesn't think I'm going to kill myself or anything. I kid, I kid. Everything's gonna work itself out. I got a word at church yesterday saying that if I put myself at the feet of Jesus, He'll take care of my worries. So I'm planting myself in front of Him and forgetting about my problems. Jesus all I need is you.

Dragging On

Sometimes I don't know what to say when people ask me how I'm doing. Like today for example, I'm not bad or good just blah. I've been exhausted the past few days and these late night lock ups haven't been helping. Tonight's the last one for a few days and I'm grateful. I slept for nearly three hours this afternoon which isn't usual. I've only been here for a week but the time is crawling by which worries me. I just hope the whole semester doesn't go like this.

New Year, New Goals

New Year Resolutions:

• Start every morning with worship music while I'm getting ready.
• Be selfish at the right times, learn to take care of me!
• Work towards a stronger dependence on God when I'm alone.
• Drink more water.
• Read more.
• Take as many pictures as possible.
• Be a woman of the Word and read more of the Scriptures.
• Live more, Worry less : )

Pirates

This has nothing to do with what I'm about to write but I wanted to inform you that I'm listening to "Chasing Pirates" by Norah Jones. And all I have to say is; this woman understands me. Hahaha. What a great title and what a great song.

Anyways, the semester has started and I'm extremely hopeful for what's to come. I don't ever remember being this positive before. I'm excited for my classes and I'm not dreading any of them, which is a change; of course I haven't received all the syllabuses yet. I know that this semester will have its challenges and its awkward/terrible moments and situations. I know that there will be a few cry days and "I hate Canada" days, but this is to be expected. I have no idea what I'll be doing this summer and I really don't know what I'm doing here at PLBC all the time. I really don't know much of anything at this point except how much I love God and how much I trust Him. Bring it on 2nd semester, remember that in a street fight I will easily dominate.

I Don't Need To Worry

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Go, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the road side,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Gotta love that afro hairdo.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Go, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Just more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer.
Do what you want to.

Go, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Go, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

Roses

This afternoon I hung out alone in a cemetery. Some say odd, I say soothing. I went to visit my grandfathers grave. He was buried in October, I couldn't be there for the service. The gravesite was pretty, the stone was covered in decomposing roses from the service. A little more than two months after, the roses were still there. At first I wondered why no one had some to clean it, I know that sounds absurd but I thought that surely someone who worked for the cemetery would clean things up. But there is no such job, probably no such need. And I realized that no one cared about it. Someone's legacy is not the headstone that reads when they were born and when they died, its in the people they leave behind. Its in what they did while they were here on Earth. My grandpa's body may be in the ground but right now he's in the presence of God Almighty and I'm sure he's loving it. Anyways, I cleaned off the stone, seemed like the right thing to do.

Standing in a cemetery reminds you how brief life really is, how will I make my time count?