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I don't really know what to think, what to say, what to feel. 6 days. 6 single days. That's it. I just don't know what to do. This is all so surreal.

Priorities

I've had a real problem with priorities recently. After tour I was focused on vegging out that I completely ignored God. I was convicted two nights ago when I realized that I hadn't even picked up my Bible the whole time I've been home. I realized that my priorities were focused inwards at myself instead of upwards. I can't afford to be selfish right now. I'm about to embark on a God mission and it has nothing to do with me. Its all about Him.

I've realized that the past two years at PLBC have been focused on me. Everything's about my gratification and me me me. But in fact everything we do should be for the Lord. Life is too short to spend in worried about yourself. I'm gonna worry about my relationship with God and let Him worry about me. He does a much better job of my life.

PAUSE!

I haven't been blogging since I got home because I've been too busy. Well, not so much busy as relaxing. But not anymore. Anything I do at home from now on is in preparation for Grenada. My lists are only getting longer and longer and as my lists grow so does my anxiety. Its hard to believe that in two weeks from today at this moment I'll be landing in Miami International Airport on my way to St. George Grenada. Life is flying by and I'm worried that I'm not ready for such a big change.

This trip is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't even fathom what's going to happen and the mystery of it all scares me. I'm not the bravest girl, I'm not the thrill seeker, but here I go off to live on an island for 5 and a half months. Why would I sign up to do this? Why would I do this to myself? I'm freaked out of my mind to be honest. I don't think I want the next two weeks to go by fast anymore. I'm clinging for dear life to the safe life I've always known.

Finding Me

I've been home for a week now and I'm trying my best to get into the swing of things. I'm just now starting to actually feel better after tour, catching up on sleep, relaxing, you know. But now is the time I need to step up my life and get some things done. I have a list of stuff to do in my head and I need to start achieving them. Three weeks from today I'll be arriving in Grenada and I need to get ready.

God's been working with me lately on being ok with being alone. Its a hard lesson but God's bringing me through it. I need to block out thoughts of rejection, loneliness, and jealousy. I need to get on track because I'm about to stretched outside my box in Grenada. I can't be thinking about this stuff, I need some focus.

Home can be good, but it can also bring me back into old habits and old thoughts. My home is up in BC but my home is here in Oregon. Soon my home will be in Grenada. "Home" is a tricky term....

And Here I Am

Home is weird. I guess I don't really know my place here. I kinda feel like I'm a visitor sometimes. I guess I really don't know how to express what I'm feeling. Maybe home is in Surrey, maybe home isn't anywhere, I don't know. I just feel constantly awkward and with the impending trip to Grenada my stress levels are skyrocketing. I need to relax.