HAVE TO

I've had two talks in the last week with guys about what they are looking for in a wife and what I'm looking for in a husband. After talking to them both about this topic I have decided my number one quality that I'm looking for, besides devotion to God because that just seems pretty obvious. For me, my number one HAVE TO is a guy that's driven. I have goals in life. My goal is to be a youth pastor and then grow from there into a stronger pastor position. That is my goal. I need a man that has a goal. It doesn't have to be the same goal as mine, but it needs to work with it. But I have to have a guy that has a goal and the motivation to push through towards that goal. I have decided the most unattractive quality in a person is someone who doesn't care about their future. I don't want a "floater". Also, sometimes I'm not decisive... I need someone who can take the lead and make the decisions. That takes drive.

In my room I have posted my dating covenant that I wrote for Spiritual Formation 2. Its a picture of a giant diamond ring and in the middle is my covenant. Or I like to call it my manifesto. The tag line in it is "I refuse to settle for anything less than what I am worth." And that's the truth.

The problem is that I can get so wrapped up in the "chase" of finding a guy. But lets be real. I didn't come to college to find a mate. I came to get closer to God and understand what my calling is, and currently my calling is blindly following the voice of my savior. And right now, He's leading me places alone. One day He'll bring someone to walk along side of me, but that's not now. God has proven time and time again that His plan is far greater than my own so I would be a fool to focus on something that He isn't putting in front of me. Jesus has my heart, it's an apartment for one.

At the Gate

During worship yesterday we sang a song with the line "You are my shield" and when we began to sing it I saw a vision of my heart. And in front of my heard was a large shield. The shield was beaten up, obviously well used in battle. The kind of shield that Russell Crowe would carry in any of his movies. His characters are full of battle experience, highly respected in battle, and not to be trifled with. I heard the Lord say, "That's my shield, and I'll guard your heart." I started to think about the awful job I've done in guarding my own heart. Time and time again at the third hour of the night I fall asleep at the gate. It's extraordinary actually. I'm such a bad guard that its like when the enemy comes, and I can sense him, that's when I choose to lay down and take a nap. Its almost like I want him to come in and attack my heart. But here's the good news. Jehovah never sleeps. I knew yesterday that God was calling me to give up the job and allow Him to step in and guard my heart. So many times in my life God calls me to give up control and allow Him to take over. It's proved to be a difficult task for me but its an area I'm growing in. I need to realize that God has good things in store for me so I can trust His control.

Dream World

Reoccurring dreams are a funny thing. I wonder what's going on in my subconscious to repeat a similar dream over and over. Its not so much a reoccurring dream as it is a reoccurring person. Someone that can completely penetrated the fabric of my mind. I guess its probably nothing, but I would like it to stop. Its getting ridiculous. Isn't my dream world supposed to be my escape from my real world problems? It would just be nice to not have any of these petty issues in my dream world.