Belonging

I am three days away from heading back to my glorious state, Oregon. Everyone who lives in Oregon has no idea how good they have it. Its been 7 weeks since I've been there or the States for that matter. So far this semester we haven't jumped the border for any food runs and the American in me is drying up. There's something that happens inside of me as soon as I cross the border that I can't describe. There's some sort of peace and feeling of belonging that flows over me and energizes me. I think its that feeling that gets me through the long drive.

Every time I go home I do some hard thinking about where my life is now and what it used to be. I've changed so much over the past year and a half and my life is unrecognizable. It's hard to think about how Oregon isn't my home anymore because its where I want to be. BC is nice and I love PLBC but I don't want it to be home. Its weird knowing that PLBC is temporary and home is no longer home. It makes me feel lost. It's hard no knowing where you belong. All I want is to have a house that I can call my own home. I don't want this temporary home anymore.

But..... Apparently...

Sarah and I have started a new joke in which we yell BUT APPARENTLY...!!!! at each other as a code for "But apparently God is jealous for me right now, so he's keeping me to himself." Haha its pretty funny and a really good way to look at my life. God is jealous for me and so I need to spend some time with him. Which is probably a good thing because currently I look like this in the morning! haha. He can have me! : )

Happy Valentines Day to Me

This year I tried to avoid my annual Valentines Day slump and cry-fest by going to a hockey game. I was successful. However I underestimated the power the day after Valentines Day had. Needless to say, tonight has been.... salty....

I've been listening to the song "Someday you will be loved" by Death Cab for Cutie over and over hoping to find some peace but it seems to be sending me deeper into this chasm of dismal emptiness. I'm realizing how much of my blog is BS. I'm pretty sure its because my mom reads it, so I add hopeful comments here and there to calm her fears. I know I definitely fluffed up the last post with her in mind.

What I wrote was: Today I didn't feel attractive, I didn't feel special, I felt pretty vanilla. Plain Jane. All I can do is hope that tomorrow is a better day.

But I know that I can stand on what my Big Daddy says. He calls me special and He calls me lovely. And He knows me best, so I should believe Him."

What I wanted to write was: "Today I am not attractive, I am not special, I am vanilla, plain jane. All I can do is understand that tomorrow will be just as terrible as today but I have to go through it. I wish I could stand on what my Big Daddy says, but I haven't heard from Him in a while. He thinks I'm special and thinks I'm lovely, but I disagree. I know that He knows me best and I would love to trust Him but I'm having a hard time because He has never come through in this area of my life before. I just want to leave here."

The moral of that story is that right now I just want to leave. I want my car to be fixed and I want to drive away, far away, for an extended period of time.

Garden Variety

Ever had a day where you feel pretty garden variety? Just ordinary or plain? Well that's today for me. I straightened my hair last night but not for the usual reason that I normally do. I usually straighten my hair because I want to look good for something or someone but this time I did it because I was bored. And I think it showed in my attitude. Today I didn't feel attractive, I didn't feel special, I felt pretty vanilla. Plain Jane. All I can do is hope that tomorrow is a better day.

But I know that I can stand on what my Big Daddy says. He calls me special and He calls me lovely. And He knows me best, so I should believe Him.

Bids Me Come and Die and Find That I May Truly Live

Last summer my theme was "God believes in me more than I believe in myself" because it seemed that He thought I could handle more than I thought I could. It was a growing summer not without its hardships. At church on Sunday I was pondering what God thinks of me and I asked him "Why can't I see myself the way you do? Am I really as strong as you think I am? Am I as bold as you think I am? Am I as special as you think I am?" The last one is the kicker. God treats me like a precious jewel and I wonder if I'm worth it. A little while later we sang "Oh The Wonderful Cross" and I heard a small voice inside me. "That's how special you are, Jemima. I gave you my son to die on the cross. I thought of you when I sent him and watched him die. You are that special and you are worth it all."

Where Do I Go From Here?

It's pretty funny that once you decide on a theme for the year in January God likes to test you in it? Yea.. about that. Haha. Well my theme for 2010 is "Live More Worry Less" and God's already begun to test me to see if I really mean it. 2010 may just end up being the greatest year of my entire life. It looks like in April I'll be leaving for a six week tour across the northern United States and then looping through most of Canada with 8 of my good friends. What an incredible opportunity. When I signed up for this in November of last year I expected it to be the highlight of my year but that's probably due to the fact that I forgot how INCREDIBLE our God truly is, because tour seems like small potatoes in comparison to what else He has planned for the year. In the past two weeks I've received countless messages of confirmation on a plan that surfaced a few weeks ago. Who knows where this came from (I suspect God) but out of the blue I had a burning desire to do missions. Like serious missions. Like six months of mission work. Without wasting a minute God threw me and Jess (who is also on board with this idea) an opportunity of a lifetime. Naturally I was super excited at the idea but when it started to get serious I started to back out. I don't know how many times I thought, "Slow down God, I know I said I wanted to give You my all.... but I didn't know it would be this soon!!!" Anyways, long story short, many confirmations later, it looks like I'll be missing a semester and I'm going to the Caribbean island of Grenada for six months to work with the foursquare church there.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, and I'm not strong enough. Good thing God is fearless, calm, and has enough strength for the both of us. I know the Caribbean sounds like a "cushy" place to do missions but it won't be as glamorous as it sounds. It will be working with a church that's starting from scratch in a country I've never been before. My missionary will be living an hour away from me and I'll get to see her two to three days a week. Otherwise Jess and I will be on our own, working with the church and the community. Sounds terrifying but isn't that what I signed up for when I told God that I wanted to be in full time ministry? I believe it is!

"I am chosen I am free, I am living for eternity. Free now forever. You pick me up, turn me around. You set my feet on solid ground, Yours now forever. And nothing's gonna hold me back, oh nothing's gonna hold me back. Nothing's gonna hold me back!"

SNAKES

Yesterday I broke the dry spell. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I was outside walking back from checking kitchen dinner gratis while on the phone with my mum when it hit me. It got so hysterical that all I could think was, "Oh God please let no one come out and see me." This cry was so epic that one would think a close relative died or something. At the time it didn't feel good, I didn't feel a release of stress and anxiety. But today I feel exceedingly better. I was able to have some laughs late last night with Serena at Starbucks and that helped. Laughter is really the best medicine, well so is using course language and yelling SNAKES at the top of our lungs in the corner of the school's field. haha. But I suppose that's a different story for a different time. All day yesterday I couldn't get these lyrics out of my head, even when I was at my lowest. "This is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry." and "All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." I guess that's where it counts eh? When you are at your saddest, or maddest, who you turn to first. I just hope its God every time.