I've been listening to the song "Someday you will be loved" by Death Cab for Cutie over and over hoping to find some peace but it seems to be sending me deeper into this chasm of dismal emptiness. I'm realizing how much of my blog is BS. I'm pretty sure its because my mom reads it, so I add hopeful comments here and there to calm her fears. I know I definitely fluffed up the last post with her in mind.
What I wrote was: Today I didn't feel attractive, I didn't feel special, I felt pretty vanilla. Plain Jane. All I can do is hope that tomorrow is a better day.
But I know that I can stand on what my Big Daddy says. He calls me special and He calls me lovely. And He knows me best, so I should believe Him."
What I wanted to write was: "Today I am not attractive, I am not special, I am vanilla, plain jane. All I can do is understand that tomorrow will be just as terrible as today but I have to go through it. I wish I could stand on what my Big Daddy says, but I haven't heard from Him in a while. He thinks I'm special and thinks I'm lovely, but I disagree. I know that He knows me best and I would love to trust Him but I'm having a hard time because He has never come through in this area of my life before. I just want to leave here."
The moral of that story is that right now I just want to leave. I want my car to be fixed and I want to drive away, far away, for an extended period of time.
1 comment:
First off..I want you to know how much I admire you and really how beautiful you are in the eyes of others. See Jemima- shortened is "Jem" or shall I pronounce it "Gem". You are not vanilla and you are not plain jane-you are a jewel that shines God's glory even when you feel like you put God to shams. You have a wonderful sense of humor, a charming wit, and a beautiful heart. I could rant about your physical beauty too but I don't think that would benefit you..cause see the thing is, we often lose sight that physical beauty is temporary and earthly and we will age and grow ugly in the world's eyes.
On Sunday I went to work without mascara..and honestly was freaking out inside. God was speaking to me about it and showing me that some of my security had been placed in that tube. I wasn't trusting that God would bring someone into my life that would find me beautiful without the long lashes I have always been complimented on.
Jem keep pushing through this..It's a constant battle between what the world says and what God says..between the flesh and the eternal.
You are a warrior. Keep fighting.
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