God's never in a rush but is never late for anything

I wonder if I'll ever fully learn to submit to God's timing. To completely let go of what I want God to do and grab a hold of what He wants me to do. Most likely not. It's human nature for us to be control freaks and I'm 100% guilty of that. I've blogged about this at least 10 times but that's because its constantly on my heart. The title of this blog comes from a meeting I was in last Friday about the new missions program PLBC is starting fall of next year. Phil and Doug were pitching the idea to a group of students to see what we thought about where the program was heading from a young perspective. Phil said this casually when talking about getting funding for mission trips or mission lifestyles. I have been living in the first part of this statement for a while now. God isn't in a rush at all; in sending me my husband, in placing me in ministry, etc. But what I need to grasp is the following statement; He isn't late. He hasn't forgotten and He's got it covered.

I'm on a path heading to the unknown. I'm scared out of my mind and I feel lost half the time. But I will hold the hand of my loving savior and start walking.

Hold the phone.. and don't give it back

Warning the following material in this blog my be shocking and horrifying to any PLBC student.

Four weeks of classes... one week of finals... grad weekend... the end

Excuse me? Where did my life go? Where did this semester disappear to? My life is a whirlwind out of control and I don't know how to make sense of it. Tonight is our last dorm meeting and my topic is move out. Let me repeat... MY TOPIC IS MOVE OUT. Five weeks from today all students are required to move out. It's truly unbelievable. I really don't know how to process this.

Combustion

I'm working on following my good friend Smokey the Bear's advice. "Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires." Only, I'm not concerned about pyromaniac tendencies in state parks, I'm concerned about setting fires in my own mind. My mind is a battlefield, raging out of control. But its true that only I can prevent these mental sparks from getting to close to my kindling. I need to take every thought captive. I guess its just that I get ahead of myself, I always think myself into a dangerous corner. What I need to see is what words are "sparks" in my life. Examples: "maybe" "possibly" "perhaps" mostly all three of those words in front of the phrase "in the future."

As well as I can work myself into a frenzy and completely ruin my night by over thinking about stuff. At that point I need to grab ahold of reality and stop my emotions. I can literally feed the fire in my mind and completely destroy my mood. In fact I'm quite good at that. But only I have the power to prevent these fires if only I could see them before they start.

Today's Refection

FOR I KNOW.. YOU ARE FAITHFUL.. MY GOD

Leadership Woes

Who am I? Am I the terrifying monster everyone thinks I am? Leadership is difficult. Leadership is not fun. It's stressful and it doesn't always make friends. I've recently found out that people fear me as a leader. I come across cold and distant. Is it me that makes myself that way? Or is an incorrect assumption? Being RA and working in student leadership is not scoring me very many points here at this school.

I'm finding that my own insecurities as a person are coming out in my leadership. My "shyness" that I've battled my entire life is becoming a hinderance. I suppose I'm not one of those super relational leaders that always runs up to everyone and connects with them. My personality is that of a loner. It worked for me in high school but isn't here at PLBC. It's like there's an anxiety barrier between myself and everyone else. I want to be outgoing with everyone, I want to be the life of the party but I just can't. I'm comfortable around a few particular people but when they aren't around I revert to my quiet nervous self. I need to find the root of this problem and take care of it and fast! I can't have people thinking I'm so cold and that I don't care to get to know them. I realize I appear confident but if only they knew that I am just as insecure as they are.

Run

Can't stop running away.

Packing my bags and hittin the road.

Moving from coast to coast.

Got to find me a new home.

Won't you come and save me?

Come and save me now.

Won't you come and save me?

Come and save me now.

Cuz, I'm gone.. yea.. I'm gone

Put those dreams behind

Put them away far far from reach

Don't look back, don't you dare

Got to keep moving forward

Breaking

Overwhelmed is an understatement. I am exhausted. I am tired of dealing with my own problems, but mostly I'm tired of being involved in other people's problems. Seriously, I'm not ok right now. I'm not whole. I'm dealing with some stuff and I don't have the strength to deal with other people yet. It's funny that currently at a pretty low point I have never had so much responsibility around campus. I need help, but all my time is put into helping others. I am drowning in tour responsibilities and gong show prep. I just need a break from my issues and responsibilities! I'm just tired.

All I know is that I'm reaching a breaking point and I'm nervous.

"I don't know how to follow you with out losing my way. Jesus come and take me by the hand. I don't know how to trust that you will do the things you say. Spirit teach me how to understand. That your love can heal the wreckage of my soul. The beauty of your light shining in me." When You Come Back- JJ Heller

Moving On

Boston by Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,

When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

REWIND

I may not be too cool for school, but I am too cool for my new current crisis. It seems like I can't avoid getting myself into awkward situations but this time I'm rising above it all. I'm rewinding my brain back to a simpler time. Probably back in the summer when life wasn't significantly less complicated. Can I do that? Can I actually erase all my problems by hitting the rewind button? Well, we shall see. I'm closing a door that I was stupid enough to leave open and moving on with my life.

(Insert Personal Pep Talk) Remember, Jemima, your theme for the year was Live More, Worry Less. So here's where you prove it. Stop worrying about things you can't control and get your life back in order. Live life, don't let anything hold you back.