Decisions

Long gone are the days when summer meant no school, lots of down time, big plans to have picnics and super soaker fights in the park. Now summer means no school and you better find a job that will get you through the summer and give you some money for the next expensive semester of classes. Summer involves responsibility and I would like to rebel. I would like to go back to easy fun summers and I think the only way I can do this is to win the lottery. And since I don't see that happening anytime soon, I'm faced with a big decision. I have two opportunities 30 minutes away from each other. Two churches that look similar, resemble the same size, but two totally different summer experiences.
Out come the pros and cons list and I'm just lost in all of this. How do you choose between good and good? Where is the better?
Excuse me while I lock myself in my room praying and crying the day away. I'll be in my prayer closet if you need me....

Time Flies

Memorize this face.

That is the face that surfaces twice a year when I the "fun college veil" has been torn from my eyes to reveal the impending doom that is finals week. Two weeks of class, one week of finals, graduation, then tour. WHAT THE WHAT?
I'm always looking forward to summer but have I wished away winter and spring? Summer is coming up so fast I can't hardly believe it and I'm scared to leave the comfort of my life right now.
Time, please please please slow down.
Sincerely, Me.

Oh So Bitter Cold

My encounters with God have become increasingly more strange. God's leading me to swing sets, distant paths, and marshy swamp fields and I'm following and therefore growing more and more in love with His vast mystery. A recent burning has been in my heart to revert to the Jemima of my childhood. The child who's innocent imaginative mind discerned the ways of the Spirit routinely and with passionate curiosity. Where did that Jemima go? I habitually cry out to God to show me more, to speak more, I want to see the demons and the angels I saw when I was young. I want to feel God's presence like an arm around my shoulders like I did when I was young. I want to see all that I saw back then.
Where is the innocent imaginative mind I once had?
It's tainted with the rebellion of my past, the interest in the things of this world and with it; a fog has come over the things in the Spiritual realm.
Tonight as I stood freezing in the middle of a swamp at roughly 9:45 PM (like I said..... strange) God so clearly said. "Yeah, your feet get numb the longer you stand in the cold." Now, I realize that reading that hardly gives the stern tone that I received it in. God oftentimes speaks to me in His tough correcting Father voice, this was one of those times. Boom. With a blaring echo the words reverberated around my head. I'm numb. What was uncomfortable has become comfortable. I am desensitized. If I'm living in the world, how do I expect to also live in the Spirit? How can I discern the ways of the enemy when all that's around me is of him. Now, don't misunderstand me. I do hear from God, I see Him everyday. But there is a haze over all that I could see. I am getting only a taste of what God has for me. I am not of this world; I cannot become acclimatized to how it operates. It is a dying lost world out there and I will have no part of it. "For our citizenship is in Heaven" Philippians 3:20. 1 Peter 2:11 says, "Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul." If you stand in the cold long enough, you get numb and you can't feel anything.

Get out.

Pure Heart

"Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of its use to me. Arteries so clogged with my will it blocked His will from flowing threw me. So I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flat lined my obscure vision landed me flat on my back. Through my ignorance He saw, so through my sternum He sawed and cracked open my chest to transplant Psalms 51:10; a new heart and a renewed right spirit within. So now I fully understand, better yet, thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait for you."
I came across this incredible poet this week and I can't get her words out my mind. Her poem entitled "I will wait for you" is one of the rawest wisest words about a woman waiting for her husband, I've ever heard. So inspiring and gave me hope for my quest of finding the one.

"Arteries so clogged with my will it blocked His will from flowing threw me." Truer words have not been spoken. I always get in my own way. If I could just allow Him to move without worrying or placing my will above His then maybe I would get somewhere! Why do I complain so much about feeling stuck when I'm the one at fault? I've clogged up my heart. I need some Psalms 51:10 flowing threw my veins.
"Create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me"

Numb

Often times we mistake numbness for healing. "Oh, I don't hurt anymore, so that means that I'm cured." But numbness isn't a cure. Its a temporary feeling that occurs when the mind is overwhelmed and unable to deal with a crisis anymore. The key word is temporary meaning that the feeling will wear off. In many situations its just easier for the mind to shut down then to come to terms with the source of the crisis. Healing comes from the Father. It's His love that makes us whole. Usually that healing isn't a clean easy process; its from the inside out. When we allow God to get to the core of us, to the center of the problem, then the healing isn't temporary, it isn't artificial, its complete.
This is a hard lesson that I'm learning this week. Something I thought I had dealt with I had apparently just buried so deep inside that I didn't even know it was there anymore. But almost like a time bomb ready to go off at a precise moment it came up from the depths and resurfaced. But this time I recognized the problem and went at it accordingly. No more numbness, no more short lived so called peace, I want the real deal.
The next step is surgery; a highly vulnerable procedure to remove the dead tissue in my life. Surgery in the physical is frightening. The inner most parts of me exposed in a cold sterile operating room with me helpless to do anything about it. Secrets revealed, scars formed. But God has a different plan. His surgery isn't invasive and it doesn't result in scars. It sounds perfect, but why does it always take me so long to realize I need it? Why does it take me so long to admit I need to go to a doctor? Same question. Because I always think I can get better on my own. So here I am, admitting that I can't heal myself and I need God's expertise. Open me up and lets get to the bottom of this.


Shhh... don't bother the surgeon while He's working...

Disarray

The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye. ~Winston Churchill

Themes in John

The following will mean nothing to you. haha. Memorization at its finest! I'm going to recite what I've been spending the last 30 minutes on. These are the themes in the Gospel of John.
remain/abide
revealing/knowing God
Son of God/Father
truth/falsehood
ascend/descend
Heaven/world
light/darkness
rejection/reception
signs/works
testimony/witness
new birth/children of God
hour
name
Messiah
commands
feasts
ot connection
glory
lift up
sent
believe
"I am"
love
judgment
life

BOOM. Ha, now I have it posted so I can see it tonight or tomorrow. Yeah, that's the whole reason its posted. Please disregard. : ) However, you might have learned something!

Laziness

This semester has been pretty chill. Barring a one or two hectic weeks, its been a breeze. And I find myself being lazy because of it. Now at the onset of a week that rivals the busiest weeks of my college career I'm numb at the thought of all I need to do. I lack any motivation to get my work done, or to go to my classes. I complain a lot about how the administration here put two intensives back to back so I'm in class the whole week. But why am I here?

"Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and become a slave." Proverbs 12:24

Boom. Conviction. Why am I here? Leadership training. So I guess I'll just have to suck it up. ; )