Dreamer

To entertain myself in the van on this ridiculously long voyage, I've been writing poetry. : ) Little poems here and there, nothing crazy. This one was written yesterday.

Dreamer
I'm a dreamer, maybe I dream of things that would never come true,
but I'm going to keep dreaming and hoping that one day they do.

When all hope seems lost and everything begins to stress
I will hold tight to the truth and move forward and press

Press on to what I know is sincere and real
Work to heal the scars of the lost hope and feel

To feel again, my deepest desire, to fight against the feeling of loss
To dream again, despite the possibility of failure, counting all the cost

I'm a dreamer, I know this to be true
I'm a dreamer, dreaming about you

Wrap Up

Third year at PLBC ended abruptly and left me feeling empty inside. Some of my best friends have graduated and school just won’t be the same without them. Sure I’ll see them occasionally, but we all know that the past is in the past and nothing will ever be the same. I feel like so many people are moving forward in their lives and I am standing still.

I’ve probably just spent to many hours in quiet introspection. This is when I get all melancholy about my life.

The truth is I’m not standing still. LITERALLY right now I’m traveling down the highway through BC on my way to Montana in a van with 9 of the weirdest/most ridiculous people I’ve ever met. Last night I was tired and could have easily put myself in a bad mood but instead I couldn’t stop giggling. Isaac was being his typical strange self and I just couldn’t handle it. I hope that’s a sign of what’s to come on this trip. No moments of frustration, just random fits of smiles and uncontrollable giggles.

Despite my current location and trip I’m embarking on, I just can’t help feeling stuck. I know I’ve blogged about this before but that’s because I’ve felt this way for a while now. Maybe it’s that I want certain aspects of my life to move and change. I really don’t care where I live, what job I’m working, and those are the things that are changing in my life. I want to graduate, I want to find someone special, and I want to live on my own. None of these things are going to happen any time soon, but a girl can dream can’t she?

“I don’t know just what I’m here for. I want more then words can describe….. And I don’t wish to know my ending. I just say, I wanna know when I’ve begun, when I’ve begun. I wanna know where it started from, where it all has started from. Because I feel like I’m spinning, I feel like I’m spinning, I feel like I’m just spinning around.” –You Get Me High, Jason Mraz.

Gal 2:20

"I have been crucified in Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." Galatians 2:20

Thank God it is not I who live, but Him through me. Because if I were living right now, I'd probably be living at home settling with a sub par job with minimal leadership training, going to college with no real vision for my future, living at home, barely socializing with people. That's the Jemima of the past who was so insecure that it crippled my life. That is until I made the silly declaration to the Lord that went a little something like this: "God I want to serve You. Where you go I will go." Sounds pretty reckless if you ask me. : )
The good news is that its Christ that lives through me and I don't need to worry about the insecure Jemima that can't get up in front of a crowd. I'll let Christ take over, and tomorrow night I'll be speaking at Northside church and I'll be doing the wrap up message Easter Sunday morning at Northridge Church. Why should I worry when I'm just a vessel for God to move. It's really not my words, it really has nothing to do with me. In fact, I'm praying that a removal of myself while I'm speaking, because I don't want to get in the way of what God is doing. I'm just awkward, He's the real champ.

Surprise?

I wish I could just turn off my brain and stop analyzing everything that's going on my life. Not everything is a complex puzzle, somethings are really what they seem. Somethings are black, others white. Some are "yes's" others "no's". But why do I always think there could be a gray, or a "maybe". The funny part is, I'm completely in touch with reality. I know the outcome, I can see it a mile away but I always want it to be different. I want to be wrong, I always want the path to deviate and I'm actually surprised. But I never am. Nothing could ever surprise me. No one could ever surprise me.
I dare you to surprise me.

Key Chain

A key chain breaks, and so does my heart.
Sure it may seem pathetic but I'm actually devastated. My key chain was from Grenada and given to me from Rev and it was a daily reminder of God's call on my life, and today it shattered. The sand that filled it is floating around my computer bag and I'm crushed along with it. Seems too pitiful for words. 227 days ago I came home broken, confused, and searching for answers. Answers that I've yet to find and I wonder if I'll ever be the same again.
Sure there were victories. Sure there are areas of me that are better because of the trip. But there are questions that I am dying to figure out.

Trapped

Four cold walls against my will. I feel trapped, just staring at the wall waiting for something to change. Or hoping that the wall will just break down in front of my eyes. I feel like I've been staring at the wall for months now. Will it ever fall? I feel so stuck, so trapped, behind these walls against my will.

If I knew all the words I would write myself out of here.

2+2=?

New download. Happened in the car today... I'm still working it out.

I am logical. When I was young I loved algebra because it was easy for me. They introduced letters into math and I said "Bring it on!" That's how I'm wired. Math makes sense. Math is a constant. I don't have to worry that I won't work out, it will, I just have to figure out how to solve it.

I am a planner. When people asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I would respond, "A teacher." I was one of those kids that gave her stuffed animals practice multiplication and spelling tests. I instructed them on the basics of 2nd grade curriculum and I am proud to say that my toys were the most educated on the street, hands down. I planned out my future and practiced for it.

I am captivated. Logic dictates that a young girl with a bent for teaching and a knack for mathematics would enter into the teaching profession but logic doesn't factor in the call of God. God designed me a certain way for a particular reason and that was not for teaching math. I'm not designed for 3rd grade book reports, or fourth grade long division. I am called for something else. It is my deep desire for the things of God that has dramatically transformed the direction my life is taking.

I am called. Despite all that logic says, I am waiting on what God says next. Every season brings a new vision, a new direction that God calls me to. Who cares about what makes sense? Who cares about what is practical or what is safe?

I will rest. His plans are perfect. His plans are higher.