Thoughts from a broken girl...

I've been thinking a lot recently about competition. I am competitive by human nature, but lately I've been seeing that maybe I'm not competitive enough. I give up too easy. I had a conversation with someone last year that told me that I always get what I want. Something like, "If you give an idea, everyone just goes with it without question. And your plans or ideas always end up happening." Well, friend, my ideas rarely end up happening. Sure on a small scale such as "lets go to McDonalds instead of Wendys" (that's worked a few times on this trip... unfortunately not enough. haha) But when it comes to the big stuff, the stuff the requires a fight, a bit of competition to get my way, I graciously bow out without question. Maybe I don't have the guts to see my dreams come to completion. Maybe I'm dreaming too big and I'm not a skilled enough fighter to see them happen. I dream of things and people that are out of league. I dream big. Ridiculously big. Impossibly big.
Suddenly today, I feel very small.
This picture describes my life right now. I'm in front of a big scary building, with a big scary door but for some reason I have this powerful urge and almost need to go in it. I walk up... and its locked.

Tour

It's official, I'm the worst at blogging on this trip. The reason is that God's doing so much that I have too much to say. The drives prove to be my quite introspection time and I'm thinking at high rates of speed. I couldn't possibly write it all down, so its hard to even try.
Lets just say this...
My eyes have been opened to so many things.

Pursue Pursue Pursue

So far on this trip, if I could summarize what God has been teaching me it would be this quote:
You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. ~Mary Manin Morrissey

For years I have blocked my dreams by fear. So far this tour has been teaching me that my dreams are obtainable. Speaking is not out of the question and God can speak through me to touch people's lives in ways I never thought possible. Maybe I can be surprised.

Something that I believe is that when you want something, then go for it. No matter what you worry might happen. I'm learning that not everything is going to end the way I think its going to end. I always think I know what's going to happen, often times I have pessimistic ideas of what the outcome will be, but you never know until you try. If you want something bad enough then fight for it. Don't ever expect the worst, expect God to move. Expect that the dreams God has put in your heart to always come true. And rely on the faithfulness of God. Take risks to pursue your dreams. No matter what the cost may be, pursue, pursue, pursue.

Give it up already

Our team has had two wild stories of people physically giving up something that they felt was hindering their walk with God, and handing them over to two of us on the team. First two high school girls came up to Ike after the service and gave him their razorblades. We were just in awe of that act because its not something we were asking people to do and they did it completely on their own and with the leading of the Holy Spirit. But then just two days later I was approached by a young guy who along with the leading of the Holy Spirit presented me with over $2000 worth of gaming equipment with full confidence that I was supposed to have it. Three young people responded to the call of God to them to give up whatever was blocking them from stepping forward with God. Powerful stories on tour this year.
With all of this happening and especially with all the time in the van to contemplate all areas of my life, I've been pressing into the Lord and seeking if there's anything that's holding me back from fully responding to the call God has given me. I'm realizing how much I need to die to myself so that I can really live. Matthew 16:25: "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."

My Heart

Mat Kearney sang me to sleep today in the back "nest" of the van. Realization! I want a man that can sing to me. The reason is that I was in a terrible bitchy mood that was completely unwarranted but realized, so I put myself on a "time out" in the back away from the innocent potential victims in the van. I clicked on Mat and was catapulted into a dreamy sleep filled with sweet dreams and an unfortunate amount of drool. But I awoke to a feeling of peace and that's when I saw the need for a crooner of my very own. I may not be musical, but I know that my heart responds to music.

Time

I have to admit, I'm afraid of time
That it will forget me and I'll be left behind
Some days afraid that it will never pass
Others worried that its running by too fast
Oh time won't you remember me?

You treat me like another stranger
Leaving me alone and in serious danger
Of getting lost in my own deep thought
Fighting a battle I've continuously fought
Oh time won't you remember me?

Must you be my biggest enemy?
Has this fight become my identity?
I'm overcome with deep regret
Finding my motives becoming suspect
Oh time won't you remember me?

Moving on without looking back
Telling time to chill out and relax
Because I'm going to sit and wait
Leaving time alone and letting fate be fate
Time get lost and forget about me