Nothing Else Worth Saying, So I'll Say This

inner battle pulls as i lose all control

can't think, writing my thoughts paper and ink

don't know what to say but the feelings won't delay

am i up? am i down? possibly turned half way around

can't hear you but i count your promises true

a faith that holds on as i'm called upon

to watch and wait, anticipate

what the future brings as my heart sings

more of you God

Today's Lesson

This internship is teaching me some valuable lessons. Today's lesson was a goodie. 

How to look happy and energetic 

When you feel like this

This will come in handy through out my life in ministry. 

Maybe

Maybe I don't know all the answers.

Maybe I don't know what I want. 

Maybe I'm far more lost than I thought.

Maybe I'm in over my head.

Maybe I will never truly know what it means to be loved. 

Only the Lonely Know

I'm sick of all these words

Jumbled mess of nouns and verbs

They give me no peace of mind

Letters put together all combined

I love what God tells me, I love the sound of His voice. His voice is like my dad's when He's sure He's right, confident and strong. But right now I don't need anymore words. I don't need a verse to help me out. All I need is results. I need my dreams to come true. Not sometime in the distant future; right now!  

I realize that I sound so demanding which is not what I'm going for; more of a desperate daughter. God! I need something! I need someone! I need answers! I need intervention! 

The Eye

Some say the eye is the window to the soul. When you look in my eyes what do you see? A week ago one of the pastors here at Eastside said that I "have a depth in my eyes" after he asked me if I wrote music or painted or something. When someone stares into my eyes I hope they see a woman of God. Someone who is sincerely after the heart of God. I hope they see a growing faith and reliance on the father. I hope they see a dreamer who dreams of Heavenly things. I hope they see an undying love and a willing spirit. That is who I want them to see. 

Do You Hear Me When I Cry?

I don't know much, but what I do know, is that I love you and I need you more than ever. I realize how much I don't understand and how much I'm lost without you. Please walk with me. Please be my guide.

 

As I surrender this is where you take me. 

You take me to the place where we first met, where I first fell in love with you. You hold my hand so I do not fall. I feel a soft wind against my cheek, it tickles my senses. I can hear a rustle of wind whipping through the tall grass. I don't know where we are but I trust that you've been here before. Your firm confident steps calm my fears. Next to you I feel loved, accepted, and at home. I am your beloved daughter. You will never lose me, you will never leave me, and you will always know the way. 

Release

I see you watching me

Eyes shift when I look your way

Your stares make me believe

That we could be something someday

I worry that it's all in my head

But its alive and well

The feelings, I can't keep dead

Emotions put me in such a hell

Confusion and tension will rise

As I wait 

For all my dreams to capsize

For I believe it will be fate

The past proves strong

And true to the letter

For it will be long

Until things get better

Dear Dad, I'm Done

Dear Dad 

Why am I were I'm at right now? Why have you brought me here? I'm having a hard time with my life right now. Lets be serious, I don't think I can handle this anymore. Can we look back to a few years ago, please? Yea... I'm not exactly where I wanted to be. What are you doing? Why aren't you granting the desires of my heart? Have I not faithfully served you?! Have I not followed Your lead? I'm at Bible College pursuing a calling You gave me and I'm here at a internship You wanted me at. Haven't I delighted myself in You? Praising Your name and sharing Your word? Where are the desires of my heart? I just don't know what to think right now. I just don't know what to believe. I don't want to be stuck here anymore. Why aren't You letting me move? You've placed me in a cage and You won't let me out! LET ME OUT! LET ME GO! I feel alone and forgotten by You. 

Jemima

Too Much!

So, I might be a little frazzled as of late. But I'm working through it. God's been doing a lot in me and it's tiring me out! This constant download of new information has left me a little overwhelmed. I just need something I'm accustomed to; family or PLBC friends. I need something safe and comfortable. 

A Little Reminder

Here is a little reminder of how God speaks to me.
My first year at PLBC proved to be a great year of growth. One factor that contributed to that was lifegroup. Lifegroup was a small group of girls, six of us, who met on a weekly basis and prayed and shared with eachother. God did many things for me through those girls. One of the first things we did after sharing our testimonies was do a prophetic excerise. (Grace, our leader's favorite thing to do) In this excerise we spent time praying and wrote a word or verse we were hearing on a specific piece of paper. Each paper was numbered and matched secretively with a person in the group. No one but God knew who the paper belonged to. After we all had finished we read what people had wrote. As it turned out I was paper number 1.
This morning I reread that paper and two entries jumped out to me. The first was from Bethany I think, judging from the handwriting. It says, "God wants you to step out in trust. He will not let you fall. He will place your feet on a solid place. You will not falter or stumble. He will embolden you and give you courage and strength. Trust." This is exactly what God has been teaching me this summer. This word is for me right now. With God I will not falter or stumble, I will trust in Him because it is from Him that my strength comes.
The second entrie was actually from me. This is what I heard from the Lord for paper number 1. "God wants to fill you overflowing. He says all you need to ask and He'll start pouring. Open yourself up! He's ready!" I remember when I heard that I sensed some urgency from the Father. God seemed almost impatient, that He's been waiting for a while. When Grace read it outloud I nearly cried because I knew that God was desperate for me. Despite how much I said I was ready for an outpouring of Him, I don't think I was. At that point, for some reason, I couldn't let go of my agenda and embrace His. This entry served almost as a glimpse of what God was going to do for me in Thailand and after. I've been transformed by the renewing of my mind.

Where You Go I Go

Where you go I go
What you say I say
What you pray I pray

Jesus only did, What he saw you do
He would only say, What he heard you speak
He would only move, When he felt you lead
Following your heart, Following your spirit

How could I expect to walk without you
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I would not begin to live without you
For you alone are worthy you are always good

You are always good
You are always good
Always good
Always good

Though the world seems to forget
We will not forget
Who you are and what you've done for us

You are my God