Tall Tower

I've had a lyric rolling around in my brain for the past month and today I realized the significance of it. Brooke Fraser has captivated me since I first heard her and her song "Deciphering Me" doesn't disappoint. The line I find most compelling is "I am a locked room in a tall tower". Recently I've been struggling as per usual with a male interest that doesn't seem to give me a second thought. And after a tough conversation with Leah last night and this morning I've rediscovered this line. I am yet again on a one way street with a boy. This interest doesn't go both ways and to be quite honest that frustrates the hell out of me. But I am persevering. I am realizing that for right now I am a locked room in a tall tower. I am not easy to get to. Someday my prince will have enough courage and drive to climb that tower and rescue me. But for now I will wait in my tower. This is where God has put me and this is where I'll stay.

If You Find Her by Future of Forestry

She won't falter easy
She'll be careful, she'll be coy
But still she paints her heart
Among the musings of a boy

If You find her
Tell her that I love her
If she hears You
Ask her heart to come

At the break of morning
The day awaits her when she sleeps
Deep inside her dreams is all
The beauty that she keeps

I'm sorry Lord, I've been a little lost. You've been calling but I'm put you on hold while I focused on my own problems. Forgive me Lord. I've missed you.

Divine Mystery

Lord I know your whisper though I've never heard the sound. Your presence is all consuming. I can't escape it nor do I desire to. I wait for more of your rich love that you lavish on me. I drown myself in your divine mystery. A brilliant source outside the workings of my mind.

Lord come. Dwell in this place. Fill this heart. I wait. I wait

Agape Love

Have you ever been railed with a word over a period of a couple of days? In the past 4 days I've had someone, teacher, speaker, and such bring up the word "agape." Today I was reading in my Introduction to Christian Doctrine text and yet again that word came up. At this point I had to look it up and think of the implications in my life. Agape is one of the greek words for love. It represents divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love. This is what God has for us. And this is what I should have for my fellow neighbor. Right now I have a lot of anger for a specific person/situation, but I am not called to have that anger, I am called to have agape love for them. I am called to serve them with love and care for them despite whatever this situation is. I have to be bigger than all of this.

Beautiful People, A Beautiful Night

Last night we celebrated Lacey's three years of sobriety!!! 27 of us went for dessert at Boston Pizza and had a fabulous time!!! Praise God for His amazing intervention in her life!!! GOD YOU ARE SO GOOD! Here are some pics-

Attractive Today

Attractive Today by Motion City Soundtrack

I am wrecked. I am overblown. I am also fed up with the common cold. But I just need to say goodbye To all the metaphors and lies That have taken me years to come up with.

Say it's true. Say you like me. (I like you.) Just for the night, for me, it's been eternity..

And as I gently sip this drink, I think about my lack of future, And of all the places I could learn to fall in love.

I know I shouldn't waste my time, I should have been better designed, Therefore, some things still break.

I am wrecked. I am overblown. I am also fed up with the xxxxxxx common cold! When I just want to feel alive for the first time in my life, I just want to feel attractive today.

Pure Unadulterated Hotness

who wouldn't want to date this?

Happy in Your Arms

I think I reached the point at which I'm comfortable with where I'm at. Odd, I realize, let me explain. Finally I think I'm ok with being single, I'm perfectly fine with the place God has me. He's with me and I don't need anyone else. He is enough, He sustains my every need. Actually, I LOVE where I'm at. It's such a beautiful place of deep relationship and deep conversation. Right now I'm experiencing the most perfect love I will ever experience, why would I want anyone to get in the way of that? I want to stay intimately connected to God for this season. That's what I desire and mostly that's what I need.  

My Life Is a Joke Today

Can I be more of a spaz today? Seriously, I've done more stupid things today than I thought possible. I think I'll just stay in my room for the rest of the day to avoid anymore possible embarrassment. I fell down the stairs but caught myself at the last step, unfortunately I wounded my finger in the process. God, help me through the rest of this day!

Loves

I'm so blessed

"Give Up the Chase"

It's hard to submit to a word from God when you don't fully understand it. It's perimeters aren't laid out, there are no rules, and there are no promises at the end. Friday night God told me so clearly to "give up the chase". As far as I know that means I need to give up pursuing any relationship. I need to stop focusing on it, but its hard, so hard. I don't know what that word means, its rather cryptic. I guess I would really like to know what will happen if I did give it up. Mostly if my guy would come. I guess once I give up the chase I will truly find out what it means to live by God alone, leaning on His strength and discovering how He is enough. Am I ready to give it up?

"Emo-ness"

So what if I'm emo? Being emo means that you're emotionally sensitive, and I'm ok with that! So what if I cry all night and then layer on the eye liner and take freaking amazing pictures of myself to make myself feel good. That's fine! I like poetry, I like songwriting, I like being emo! Its me! Get over it!

Alone By JJ Heller

Where am I 
Why is it so dark down here
Do you know me 
Doesn’t anybody recognize my face
Or can I be replaced 
Can I be replaced

Do you need me 
What if I just up and left
Would you miss me 
Would you miss me

I am so alone 
Doesn’t anyone understand me
I long to be home in my Father’s arms 
Because he knows me

All I want is a little bit of company
All I have is a paper bag 
Full of pieces that don’t fit together
Did they ever

I am so alone 
Doesn’t anyone understand me
I long to be home
In my Father’s arms 
Because he knows me

But I am so thankful for this time
You so graciously remind me
This is not my home 
This is not my home

Something New

I pierced my nose today. Who knows why really, but I did. It's something I've wanted for over a year now and I finally got enough courage to do it. But why did I really get it? I feel like I'm so obsessed with everyone thinking that I'm tough. That I'm different than all the other girls. But that's not true at all. I'm not tough, in fact I'm a huge wuss. Maybe this piercing is a sign of what's to come. A new truly tough girl who can handle whatever life throws at her. Maybe a girl who means business and gets what she wants.  That would be nice. I would love to finally get what I want. 

Action

My word during worship at Bible Fellowship yesterday. This year is a year of action. This is my year to become a "doer". Without any hestitation to move according to God's Spirit. I do not want to get to Heaven with soft hands and feet. I want hands that look like I did some work! I want callouses on my feet to show that I stepped out! 

Lord help me to walk out according to Your word. Help me to live in your presence always. 

Psalm 55

Here is one of the devotions I did this summer at Eastside. 

"Psalm 55. No matter how many times I read that the Lord listens to me I am still in awe of it. not because I don't think He answers my prayers, because I know He does, but because I am not worthy of such devotion and attention. The God of the Angel Armies listens to me, cares for me. 'cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you' vs 22. Not only will He listen but He will come through. He will sustain me. I am one of His biggest concerns. And when God says He'll take care of you. He REALLY will."

I praise you God for you care, for you love me more than I'll ever deserve. You, God of the Angel Armies, will keep watch over me. 

I Can't Compete

I've spent a lifetime working on my "tough girl" exterior. Joking around that I'll fight someone making people believe that I'm intense. Obviously its just an attitude I picked up somewhere possibly due to the fact that I was raised on John Wayne movies where everyone was the "tough guy" and being tough meant you were respected. There are lots of things in my life I find worth fighting for. Morality and my spirituality for example. But there is one thing I refuse to fight for, one thing I simply cannot compete with. And that is girls that throw themselves in front of guys. I will never be the flirter, the giggler, the tease,  the ridiculous one. I just can't make myself do it. The unfortunate thing about that is when it comes down to me and another girl I always lose because I just can't compete. I only pray that my man is smarter than all of that. That he looks past that and sees inside. That he would know me for who I am deeply. That he would chose me because of what I have to offer to him and him alone. I guess I don't flirt because it wouldn't be fair to my future husband and it wouldn't be fair to all those other guys future wives. I can't compete because I refuse to compete.