(the following was written in the van)
Dear Tour,
I'm over you. I think it best to spend some time apart. And this may hurt but I'm thinking it would be best to make this separation permanent. It's not me, it's you. You are awful and I can honestly say that I hate you. I hate you with a burning in my soul. You are the bane of my existence and I would like to kick you in the face repeatedly with steel toed boots. I would like to stab you in the liver with a windshield wiper and slice a hole in your neck and fill it with bees. Please leave promptly because I can no longer be around you. Your stench makes me vomitus and your voice makes my ears bleed.
Jemima
I would imagine my life without tour to be a series of rave parties that never run out of hot men and strong drinks. I imagine it to be like riding a unicorn for the first time. I imagine it to be like finding a million dollars in your underwear drawer. I imagine it to be like punching Miley Cyrus in the mouth or drop kicking Paris Hilton's dog. I imagine it to be like a marriage with Michael Buble... pure perfection.
But alas...
Life is like when you slam your hand in the car door.
Life is like hearing your high school crush is getting married.
Life is like when your cat is murdered by your mother.
Life is like a shark attack.
Life is like when Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson's breast at the Superbowl. Awkward, uncomfortable, and distasteful.
But in all seriousness, I need some prayer. Today is a rough day and I have absolutely no patience.
1 comment:
This post made me giggle like crazy.
I was going to quote my favourite part, but then realized that your entire paragraph starting with "I would imagine..." is pure genius and there's no way I could pick just one part of it.
So thanks for making my night, and I'm glad to see that tour has since gotten better :)
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