Ruts

I'm becoming more aware of how satan chooses to attack me. This is good because you should know your opponent so you can always be one step ahead. I guess I'm getting pretty tired of him going after my self worth. This weekend has been hard for me in many ways and I've caught myself falling into satan's old trap. I can't allow myself to go there. I can't think that way. Satan lights a fire and then steps back to see it burn. JJ Heller says it perfectly in her song All the Beauty when she says "I know that she's a liar, when I look into her eyes. But I believe in every word she says. She's out to start a fire burning everything I have. I can't put it out cuz its all inside my head." As soon as any thought belittling my worth comes up I just run with it. I seem to expand on it and dig a deeper hole. See its all inside my head. Its a combination of satan's lies and the ruts I've made in my thinking. It's like when I was in high school the route to school every morning was so burned into my mind that sometimes when I wasn't thinking on the weekend I would drive and just take the route and get close to the school and realize that I was meaning to go somewhere completely different. All satan does is whisper "See, you're not worth it." and my brain immediately gets in a rut and fast forward: later that night I'm sitting alone in my room crying. I wish I was kidding, I wish I was being overly dramatic (as per usual) but alas, over the past few years I've found myself repeating the same track over and over and sitting alone, sad, and broken in my room crying. I guess its hard for me to put all of this into words without being specific but like I've said before in my blog, I don't write for other people. I write for myself. I write to release and process. So it might not make sense but this is what I'm going through.

But here's the truth: I am a child of God and my worth is in Him.