Scatter Brain

rantings.... thoughts... introspection

Falling deeper and faster into despair
Asking for answers
Will somebody care?

I can't shake this feeling
Desperately searching and
Looking for healing

Feeling, enclosed and entrapped
Trying to remember the day
I lost it and snapped

Being haunted and chased
By shadows and voices whom
I've never faced

Shadows making sure I never forget
Stirring up old feelings
And past regrets

Where is my relief?
I need a reprieve
Of all this sick grief

How long will this last?
Why am I waiting for answers
To questions I've never asked?

Like, "Why I am here?"
And "Wouldn't it be easier,
If I just disappeared?"

Left my problems for a while
Tossing all these feelings in a
Bin marked "junk pile"

Ran away and never looked back
Ignoring the shadows as
They wait to attack

Yeah that's what I'll do
Get rid of every person, crisis
And scream "WE'RE THROUGH"

But then where would I be?
Well alone again
What's wrong with me?

It's a vicious cycle I need to break
Get up out of bed
And finally awake

Open my eyes to world all around
To find that it was all a dream
Hope that my sanity will rebound

Change is a dirty word

Today I hate change. I hate sitting here wishing that things we back to the way they used to be. That friendships lasted, that all the laughs weren't forgotten. I can wish all I want but it won't change things.
Change is a terrible word. Change makes me cry. Makes me sit here alone wishing.
Let's never use change again. How about refashion, redesign, refine.
Yeah, that sounds better. Those words imply hope. I just need some hope that things are going to look up. That laughs will be replaced with bigger laughs. That this new year is going to be unparalleled.

Refashion.
Redesign.
Refine.

Devestation and Reform

Alright, here goes nothing. For the past few weeks God's put something on my heart. A realization that one year ago I was in Grenada, and then suddenly, I wasn't.
It's been one year and I haven't touched my journal. I've refused to even glance at those tear stained pages, soaked with emotion and covered in deep descriptive language. I got back from Grenada and I hid everything that happened away, far from anyone, including myself. I told myself I wasn't broken and everything was a bad dream. But those were lies. The truth was that I was broken and the reality of it was something I didn't want to deal with.
But it started this morning while I was sitting by the lake up at RockRidge during our annual fall retreat. The tears just started to flow as I began to process my brokenness.

It boils down to one thing. I've blamed God for all of this and harbored bitterness towards him. I haven't wanted to deal with it because it's just been easier to blame God for mistakes I made. But the truth is that I made poor decisions and I suffered the consequences. I'm not saying Grenada was a poor decision, but some of my motives were poor, some of the ways I dealt with adversary was poor, and my attitude was definitely poor.
Tonight I read through my journal, laughing at parts, crying at others. I couldn't get over how truly profound some of the things I had written were. Some things that I wrote on the first few days made me see how God was preparing me for the challenges ahead. I could see His hand through the whole trip.
There were some serious things I wrote about how I was feeling.
Such as (day four)
"I finally got to video chat with Mom and Dad and I cried my eyes out. It was so good to see them and hear their voices. Mom is always so encouraging to me. She makes me feel like I can do anything. I want to make them proud. Which Mom says is easy because she's already proud of me. I guess maybe I just want to make myself proud of me."
Wow. I read that and teared up. From the very beginning I allowed satan to feed me lies. I remember having the feeling that I needed to prove something. Prove that I was strong enough to do anything. That I was brave. That I was obedient. Where did that idea come from? There can only be one source and it isn't the Lord.
I've realized how strong I really am. These past few years haven't been easy but God has been refining me.
Isn't that how it works? Through the challenges God refines us, shapes us to be the soldier, the conqueror. Today is the day when all the pain I experienced last year in Grenada and the months after, finally makes sense. I was refined by fire, it burnt but it has had lasting effects. I've wasted so much time harboring anger against my God who never deserved it because I refused to ask "why?".

God forgive me. Let's move on.

Here's to.

Here's to facing fears and jumping off piers.
Here's to trying new things and growing my wings.
Here's to meeting new people and trying to find a cool word that rhymes with people.
Here's to being brave and putting my anxiety in the grave.
Here's to changes that are true and actually seeing them through.
Here's to a goal to grow and letting the Holy Spirit flow.
Here's to my last year at PLBC.

Alone

This week I embarked on a solo trip into Washington to promote the college at a couple of youth camps. I was totally ready to go down on my own considering one of my "21 things to do while I'm 21" was to go somewhere alone. The idea of being alone has always terrified me and at the age of 21, I think it's time to get over that.

The trip had it's ups and downs. Being alone proved to be more difficult then I'd like to admit and satan sure thought he had the best of me for a while. But in the end I found out some pretty sweet things.

1. He's there. Always. He was with me through the really challenging moments of the trip, through the anxiety of going to new places, through the frustration of flat tires and migraines, and through the times I nearly fell asleep at the wheel from exhaustion. In the moments that I didn't want to talk to Him because I was upset, He was there.

2. Satan is an idiot. For thinking that he could stop me.

3. I'm not waiting for anyone. I was alone promoting a college, visiting youth camps and one of the youth pastors was surprised that I came alone and seemed to be genuinely shocked after my presentation. I don't think he thought I could do it. haha. Surprise! I don't need anyone else to do what God has called me to do. This sounds silly, but I've thought for a while that I couldn't really start my ministry until I found my husband. It's always been my dream to be in ministry with my hubby, so I just figured I needed to wait until he found me and then I would follow him in ministry. Well.. here's the deal. I'm single. Yeah, and probably for a while from the looks of things, so I better get going on my own ministry. As I walk on the path God has set for me and as my future hubby does the same our paths will meet. If its next week, next month, next year, or whatever, as we're seeking the Lord everything will work out. My calling is my calling. I was not created to sit and wait around and twiddle my thumbs while people are doing great things for the Kingdom. NO WAY. This is my time to work!

blogs don't need a title, they need a rhythm.

I'm a satellite heart. Lost in the dark. You stop I start.

grrr..... sermons....

Sermon prep... cue the pre sermon melt down.

No matter how many times I do this I'm never comfortable up there. I'm never calm. I'm never confident.

Good thing God didn't call me to a life of comfort, He called me to a life of obedience! But why God, does my obedience have to give me the shakes and panic attacks? Why can't my obedience allow for a good night of sleep and a restful prep time?

Give me peace. Give me strength.

Love Can Make You New

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koMHJ0_VkfM

This song is totally speaking to my heart right now.

Reminders

For the summer I'm living in a lovely home with a nice family of three and I'm really loving it. Christine and Brian are very sweet and have opened up their home so generously to me. Their daughter Madison, who is 9, has been fun to get to know. The house is mellow and quiet most of the time and I quite enjoy it.

But as the hours go by and the night gets later and later, the quietness of this home is broken by the desperate cries of a terrified nine year old, no doubt jarred awake by an undeserved horrific nightmare. This I can relate to. The thought of my young years of tear stained pillows and hours of hiding under blankets shaking from fear is almost too much to bear on this cold night. I now look back on those years from a distant future and remember when I used to hope and wish that I could just grow up and all of this would go away. And it has, and I have grown up, and everything is different. I do not dare to say that I am completely fearless now but I do not allow for satan to steal my joy, steal my peace, and ESPECIALLY steal my sleep (I, an overwhelmed college student, regard my sleep to be of the highest importance.)

Tonight is a night of quiet introspection of a life transformed, a girl into a woman, and a new outlook on life. And, most significantly the understanding of who I am in Christ and who the puny little enemy is. That enemy doesn't stand a chance against the God I serve, the God who lives in me, the God who is intimately woven into every area of my life. Yeah, that God.
The God who saved me from my desperation and brought me into appreciation for His mighty works and grace, and peace, and strength, and the list goes on and on as the minutes go by faster and faster while I write this with dropping eyelids and a mind that's fading quickly. I must call it a night and go to bed and drift off to sleep in peace with a smile on my face. No fear, no anxiety, because tonight I know who I serve and I know who I am.

Father's Day

Let me tell you about my dad. My dad tells me all the time that he's proud of me which I find silly, because I'm the one that's proud of him. My dad is one of the bravest men I know. With a testimony of unbelievable faithfulness in his vows to my mom and his devotion to the family, my dad has taught me what a real man is. A real man is a man that provides for his family, sticks around when the going gets tough, and tears up when he gets a word from the Lord. My dad is a warrior poet. A man who is in touch with the Spirit and fights for integrity for the Lord everyday. My dad had a vision to see men come into wholeness and an understanding of God's grace and now he's working to see that vision fulfilled.
Daddy I love you and I'm proud of you. I couldn't ask for a better dad.
Happy Father's Day.

I crave stability.

I'm going on week 8 of living out of a suitcase, and I'm averaging 3 different beds a week since tour and I'm sick of it. I won't have a room to call my own until the end of June and I'm desperate for a place to belong. There's something about opening up a closet and seeing your clothes hanging to make you feel settled, anchored, secure. I need a place that doesn't change, that remains constant in my senseless "live one day at a time" summer. I want to belong, I don't want to feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me anymore. I'm sick of this limbo of not knowing what's going on. I have not been one to live "day by day"; I'm a planner and I love it. I enjoy having a strategy before I go into battle, but where God has me this summer I am defenseless to the bombardment of curve balls being thrown at me.
My only constant is the hand of my Father ever present through the ups and downs. The voice that tells me "come" even when I can't see the ground in front of me. "Jump" He says, and He's always there to catch me.
I may not have stability here, but I will always be secure in Him.
Secure in the knowledge that wherever He calls me, He's already there waiting for me to arrive. With me even as I contemplate worries and fears for the summer. Ever present, never changing, my anchor in times of uncertainty, my shield in times of battle, my cornerstone to lean on, and the foundation on which I stand.
I hold on to You, because You are all I have.

Expect

Lord please change my expectations.
Then exceed them.
Summer here we go.

Thoughts from a broken girl...

I've been thinking a lot recently about competition. I am competitive by human nature, but lately I've been seeing that maybe I'm not competitive enough. I give up too easy. I had a conversation with someone last year that told me that I always get what I want. Something like, "If you give an idea, everyone just goes with it without question. And your plans or ideas always end up happening." Well, friend, my ideas rarely end up happening. Sure on a small scale such as "lets go to McDonalds instead of Wendys" (that's worked a few times on this trip... unfortunately not enough. haha) But when it comes to the big stuff, the stuff the requires a fight, a bit of competition to get my way, I graciously bow out without question. Maybe I don't have the guts to see my dreams come to completion. Maybe I'm dreaming too big and I'm not a skilled enough fighter to see them happen. I dream of things and people that are out of league. I dream big. Ridiculously big. Impossibly big.
Suddenly today, I feel very small.
This picture describes my life right now. I'm in front of a big scary building, with a big scary door but for some reason I have this powerful urge and almost need to go in it. I walk up... and its locked.

Tour

It's official, I'm the worst at blogging on this trip. The reason is that God's doing so much that I have too much to say. The drives prove to be my quite introspection time and I'm thinking at high rates of speed. I couldn't possibly write it all down, so its hard to even try.
Lets just say this...
My eyes have been opened to so many things.

Pursue Pursue Pursue

So far on this trip, if I could summarize what God has been teaching me it would be this quote:
You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. ~Mary Manin Morrissey

For years I have blocked my dreams by fear. So far this tour has been teaching me that my dreams are obtainable. Speaking is not out of the question and God can speak through me to touch people's lives in ways I never thought possible. Maybe I can be surprised.

Something that I believe is that when you want something, then go for it. No matter what you worry might happen. I'm learning that not everything is going to end the way I think its going to end. I always think I know what's going to happen, often times I have pessimistic ideas of what the outcome will be, but you never know until you try. If you want something bad enough then fight for it. Don't ever expect the worst, expect God to move. Expect that the dreams God has put in your heart to always come true. And rely on the faithfulness of God. Take risks to pursue your dreams. No matter what the cost may be, pursue, pursue, pursue.

Give it up already

Our team has had two wild stories of people physically giving up something that they felt was hindering their walk with God, and handing them over to two of us on the team. First two high school girls came up to Ike after the service and gave him their razorblades. We were just in awe of that act because its not something we were asking people to do and they did it completely on their own and with the leading of the Holy Spirit. But then just two days later I was approached by a young guy who along with the leading of the Holy Spirit presented me with over $2000 worth of gaming equipment with full confidence that I was supposed to have it. Three young people responded to the call of God to them to give up whatever was blocking them from stepping forward with God. Powerful stories on tour this year.
With all of this happening and especially with all the time in the van to contemplate all areas of my life, I've been pressing into the Lord and seeking if there's anything that's holding me back from fully responding to the call God has given me. I'm realizing how much I need to die to myself so that I can really live. Matthew 16:25: "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."

My Heart

Mat Kearney sang me to sleep today in the back "nest" of the van. Realization! I want a man that can sing to me. The reason is that I was in a terrible bitchy mood that was completely unwarranted but realized, so I put myself on a "time out" in the back away from the innocent potential victims in the van. I clicked on Mat and was catapulted into a dreamy sleep filled with sweet dreams and an unfortunate amount of drool. But I awoke to a feeling of peace and that's when I saw the need for a crooner of my very own. I may not be musical, but I know that my heart responds to music.

Time

I have to admit, I'm afraid of time
That it will forget me and I'll be left behind
Some days afraid that it will never pass
Others worried that its running by too fast
Oh time won't you remember me?

You treat me like another stranger
Leaving me alone and in serious danger
Of getting lost in my own deep thought
Fighting a battle I've continuously fought
Oh time won't you remember me?

Must you be my biggest enemy?
Has this fight become my identity?
I'm overcome with deep regret
Finding my motives becoming suspect
Oh time won't you remember me?

Moving on without looking back
Telling time to chill out and relax
Because I'm going to sit and wait
Leaving time alone and letting fate be fate
Time get lost and forget about me

Dreamer

To entertain myself in the van on this ridiculously long voyage, I've been writing poetry. : ) Little poems here and there, nothing crazy. This one was written yesterday.

Dreamer
I'm a dreamer, maybe I dream of things that would never come true,
but I'm going to keep dreaming and hoping that one day they do.

When all hope seems lost and everything begins to stress
I will hold tight to the truth and move forward and press

Press on to what I know is sincere and real
Work to heal the scars of the lost hope and feel

To feel again, my deepest desire, to fight against the feeling of loss
To dream again, despite the possibility of failure, counting all the cost

I'm a dreamer, I know this to be true
I'm a dreamer, dreaming about you

Wrap Up

Third year at PLBC ended abruptly and left me feeling empty inside. Some of my best friends have graduated and school just won’t be the same without them. Sure I’ll see them occasionally, but we all know that the past is in the past and nothing will ever be the same. I feel like so many people are moving forward in their lives and I am standing still.

I’ve probably just spent to many hours in quiet introspection. This is when I get all melancholy about my life.

The truth is I’m not standing still. LITERALLY right now I’m traveling down the highway through BC on my way to Montana in a van with 9 of the weirdest/most ridiculous people I’ve ever met. Last night I was tired and could have easily put myself in a bad mood but instead I couldn’t stop giggling. Isaac was being his typical strange self and I just couldn’t handle it. I hope that’s a sign of what’s to come on this trip. No moments of frustration, just random fits of smiles and uncontrollable giggles.

Despite my current location and trip I’m embarking on, I just can’t help feeling stuck. I know I’ve blogged about this before but that’s because I’ve felt this way for a while now. Maybe it’s that I want certain aspects of my life to move and change. I really don’t care where I live, what job I’m working, and those are the things that are changing in my life. I want to graduate, I want to find someone special, and I want to live on my own. None of these things are going to happen any time soon, but a girl can dream can’t she?

“I don’t know just what I’m here for. I want more then words can describe….. And I don’t wish to know my ending. I just say, I wanna know when I’ve begun, when I’ve begun. I wanna know where it started from, where it all has started from. Because I feel like I’m spinning, I feel like I’m spinning, I feel like I’m just spinning around.” –You Get Me High, Jason Mraz.

Gal 2:20

"I have been crucified in Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." Galatians 2:20

Thank God it is not I who live, but Him through me. Because if I were living right now, I'd probably be living at home settling with a sub par job with minimal leadership training, going to college with no real vision for my future, living at home, barely socializing with people. That's the Jemima of the past who was so insecure that it crippled my life. That is until I made the silly declaration to the Lord that went a little something like this: "God I want to serve You. Where you go I will go." Sounds pretty reckless if you ask me. : )
The good news is that its Christ that lives through me and I don't need to worry about the insecure Jemima that can't get up in front of a crowd. I'll let Christ take over, and tomorrow night I'll be speaking at Northside church and I'll be doing the wrap up message Easter Sunday morning at Northridge Church. Why should I worry when I'm just a vessel for God to move. It's really not my words, it really has nothing to do with me. In fact, I'm praying that a removal of myself while I'm speaking, because I don't want to get in the way of what God is doing. I'm just awkward, He's the real champ.

Surprise?

I wish I could just turn off my brain and stop analyzing everything that's going on my life. Not everything is a complex puzzle, somethings are really what they seem. Somethings are black, others white. Some are "yes's" others "no's". But why do I always think there could be a gray, or a "maybe". The funny part is, I'm completely in touch with reality. I know the outcome, I can see it a mile away but I always want it to be different. I want to be wrong, I always want the path to deviate and I'm actually surprised. But I never am. Nothing could ever surprise me. No one could ever surprise me.
I dare you to surprise me.

Key Chain

A key chain breaks, and so does my heart.
Sure it may seem pathetic but I'm actually devastated. My key chain was from Grenada and given to me from Rev and it was a daily reminder of God's call on my life, and today it shattered. The sand that filled it is floating around my computer bag and I'm crushed along with it. Seems too pitiful for words. 227 days ago I came home broken, confused, and searching for answers. Answers that I've yet to find and I wonder if I'll ever be the same again.
Sure there were victories. Sure there are areas of me that are better because of the trip. But there are questions that I am dying to figure out.

Trapped

Four cold walls against my will. I feel trapped, just staring at the wall waiting for something to change. Or hoping that the wall will just break down in front of my eyes. I feel like I've been staring at the wall for months now. Will it ever fall? I feel so stuck, so trapped, behind these walls against my will.

If I knew all the words I would write myself out of here.

2+2=?

New download. Happened in the car today... I'm still working it out.

I am logical. When I was young I loved algebra because it was easy for me. They introduced letters into math and I said "Bring it on!" That's how I'm wired. Math makes sense. Math is a constant. I don't have to worry that I won't work out, it will, I just have to figure out how to solve it.

I am a planner. When people asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I would respond, "A teacher." I was one of those kids that gave her stuffed animals practice multiplication and spelling tests. I instructed them on the basics of 2nd grade curriculum and I am proud to say that my toys were the most educated on the street, hands down. I planned out my future and practiced for it.

I am captivated. Logic dictates that a young girl with a bent for teaching and a knack for mathematics would enter into the teaching profession but logic doesn't factor in the call of God. God designed me a certain way for a particular reason and that was not for teaching math. I'm not designed for 3rd grade book reports, or fourth grade long division. I am called for something else. It is my deep desire for the things of God that has dramatically transformed the direction my life is taking.

I am called. Despite all that logic says, I am waiting on what God says next. Every season brings a new vision, a new direction that God calls me to. Who cares about what makes sense? Who cares about what is practical or what is safe?

I will rest. His plans are perfect. His plans are higher.

Decisions

Long gone are the days when summer meant no school, lots of down time, big plans to have picnics and super soaker fights in the park. Now summer means no school and you better find a job that will get you through the summer and give you some money for the next expensive semester of classes. Summer involves responsibility and I would like to rebel. I would like to go back to easy fun summers and I think the only way I can do this is to win the lottery. And since I don't see that happening anytime soon, I'm faced with a big decision. I have two opportunities 30 minutes away from each other. Two churches that look similar, resemble the same size, but two totally different summer experiences.
Out come the pros and cons list and I'm just lost in all of this. How do you choose between good and good? Where is the better?
Excuse me while I lock myself in my room praying and crying the day away. I'll be in my prayer closet if you need me....

Time Flies

Memorize this face.

That is the face that surfaces twice a year when I the "fun college veil" has been torn from my eyes to reveal the impending doom that is finals week. Two weeks of class, one week of finals, graduation, then tour. WHAT THE WHAT?
I'm always looking forward to summer but have I wished away winter and spring? Summer is coming up so fast I can't hardly believe it and I'm scared to leave the comfort of my life right now.
Time, please please please slow down.
Sincerely, Me.

Oh So Bitter Cold

My encounters with God have become increasingly more strange. God's leading me to swing sets, distant paths, and marshy swamp fields and I'm following and therefore growing more and more in love with His vast mystery. A recent burning has been in my heart to revert to the Jemima of my childhood. The child who's innocent imaginative mind discerned the ways of the Spirit routinely and with passionate curiosity. Where did that Jemima go? I habitually cry out to God to show me more, to speak more, I want to see the demons and the angels I saw when I was young. I want to feel God's presence like an arm around my shoulders like I did when I was young. I want to see all that I saw back then.
Where is the innocent imaginative mind I once had?
It's tainted with the rebellion of my past, the interest in the things of this world and with it; a fog has come over the things in the Spiritual realm.
Tonight as I stood freezing in the middle of a swamp at roughly 9:45 PM (like I said..... strange) God so clearly said. "Yeah, your feet get numb the longer you stand in the cold." Now, I realize that reading that hardly gives the stern tone that I received it in. God oftentimes speaks to me in His tough correcting Father voice, this was one of those times. Boom. With a blaring echo the words reverberated around my head. I'm numb. What was uncomfortable has become comfortable. I am desensitized. If I'm living in the world, how do I expect to also live in the Spirit? How can I discern the ways of the enemy when all that's around me is of him. Now, don't misunderstand me. I do hear from God, I see Him everyday. But there is a haze over all that I could see. I am getting only a taste of what God has for me. I am not of this world; I cannot become acclimatized to how it operates. It is a dying lost world out there and I will have no part of it. "For our citizenship is in Heaven" Philippians 3:20. 1 Peter 2:11 says, "Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul." If you stand in the cold long enough, you get numb and you can't feel anything.

Get out.

Pure Heart

"Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of its use to me. Arteries so clogged with my will it blocked His will from flowing threw me. So I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flat lined my obscure vision landed me flat on my back. Through my ignorance He saw, so through my sternum He sawed and cracked open my chest to transplant Psalms 51:10; a new heart and a renewed right spirit within. So now I fully understand, better yet, thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait for you."
I came across this incredible poet this week and I can't get her words out my mind. Her poem entitled "I will wait for you" is one of the rawest wisest words about a woman waiting for her husband, I've ever heard. So inspiring and gave me hope for my quest of finding the one.

"Arteries so clogged with my will it blocked His will from flowing threw me." Truer words have not been spoken. I always get in my own way. If I could just allow Him to move without worrying or placing my will above His then maybe I would get somewhere! Why do I complain so much about feeling stuck when I'm the one at fault? I've clogged up my heart. I need some Psalms 51:10 flowing threw my veins.
"Create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me"

Numb

Often times we mistake numbness for healing. "Oh, I don't hurt anymore, so that means that I'm cured." But numbness isn't a cure. Its a temporary feeling that occurs when the mind is overwhelmed and unable to deal with a crisis anymore. The key word is temporary meaning that the feeling will wear off. In many situations its just easier for the mind to shut down then to come to terms with the source of the crisis. Healing comes from the Father. It's His love that makes us whole. Usually that healing isn't a clean easy process; its from the inside out. When we allow God to get to the core of us, to the center of the problem, then the healing isn't temporary, it isn't artificial, its complete.
This is a hard lesson that I'm learning this week. Something I thought I had dealt with I had apparently just buried so deep inside that I didn't even know it was there anymore. But almost like a time bomb ready to go off at a precise moment it came up from the depths and resurfaced. But this time I recognized the problem and went at it accordingly. No more numbness, no more short lived so called peace, I want the real deal.
The next step is surgery; a highly vulnerable procedure to remove the dead tissue in my life. Surgery in the physical is frightening. The inner most parts of me exposed in a cold sterile operating room with me helpless to do anything about it. Secrets revealed, scars formed. But God has a different plan. His surgery isn't invasive and it doesn't result in scars. It sounds perfect, but why does it always take me so long to realize I need it? Why does it take me so long to admit I need to go to a doctor? Same question. Because I always think I can get better on my own. So here I am, admitting that I can't heal myself and I need God's expertise. Open me up and lets get to the bottom of this.


Shhh... don't bother the surgeon while He's working...

Disarray

The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye. ~Winston Churchill

Themes in John

The following will mean nothing to you. haha. Memorization at its finest! I'm going to recite what I've been spending the last 30 minutes on. These are the themes in the Gospel of John.
remain/abide
revealing/knowing God
Son of God/Father
truth/falsehood
ascend/descend
Heaven/world
light/darkness
rejection/reception
signs/works
testimony/witness
new birth/children of God
hour
name
Messiah
commands
feasts
ot connection
glory
lift up
sent
believe
"I am"
love
judgment
life

BOOM. Ha, now I have it posted so I can see it tonight or tomorrow. Yeah, that's the whole reason its posted. Please disregard. : ) However, you might have learned something!

Laziness

This semester has been pretty chill. Barring a one or two hectic weeks, its been a breeze. And I find myself being lazy because of it. Now at the onset of a week that rivals the busiest weeks of my college career I'm numb at the thought of all I need to do. I lack any motivation to get my work done, or to go to my classes. I complain a lot about how the administration here put two intensives back to back so I'm in class the whole week. But why am I here?

"Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and become a slave." Proverbs 12:24

Boom. Conviction. Why am I here? Leadership training. So I guess I'll just have to suck it up. ; )

21 Things for 21

I play it safe in life. Look 3 times before you jump... if you even end up jumping. Rethink every possible potential danger before doing anything. All possible scenarios must be calculated. Maybe I should live a little. But its so hard to get myself to do anything remotely risky. I'm 21 and I live the most boring life.
So I'm throwing down the gauntlet. It's time to embrace life! Here are 21 things to do while I'm 21. Some risky in the physical sense, others risky in other ways, and some are just long awaited goals...
1. Skydive or Bungee Jump
2. Learn how to do donuts in my car
3. Snowboard at least once
4. Take a trip somewhere by myself
5. Pick up my guitar again
6. Buy a canvass and spend some time making a piece of art
7. Learn how to longboard (not necessarily well)
8. Try at least 3 really weird foods
9. Spend an entire day without speaking, only listening and taking pictures
10. Read at least one Jane Austen novel
11. Slow down, breathe, and make a house of cards
12. Spend some time in a mud pit :)
13. Climb a tree
14. Go ice skating
15. Take the sea bus somewhere
16. Learn how to french braid
17. Spend a week only eating with chopsticks
18. I realize this sounds massive, but I can do it. Memorize the Sermon on the Mount
19. Discover some new dance moves and use them!
20. Attempt to like tea
21. Write a "hand dance" with a friend and video tape it

Dance With Me

"Behold You have come over the hills upon the mountain. To me, You will run, my beloved, You've captured my heart. Won't You dance with me, Oh Lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. With you I will go You are my Love, You are my Fair One. The winter has passed and the springtime has come."
Valentines Day has come and gone and so many young single girls get caught up in the desperation of being alone on V Day. But for me, Valentines Day and the day before were perfect opportunities to remember that Jesus is the lover of my soul. I am never alone, He is always with me.

Prayer

"And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:18.
Yesterday PLBC offered a ten hour prayer time for the student body. I was privileged enough to be apart of the set up. It wasn't hyped up and advertised as some sort of "God Encounter" or anything, it was simply an opportunity to spend some quality time in prayer. I spent several hours in the chapel soaking and I realized that my time in Grenada significantly changed my prayer life.
Grenada drastically shook up my life. It slapped me with the realization that I desperately need God. I am hopelessly lost without Him. Before Grenada I thought I could do my own thing and pray only when I needed something. Post Grenada I am in a perpetual dialogue with God. Its like always being on the phone with my Dad. I'm becoming aware of the importance keeping a clear line of communication between me and God.
I speak to God and He replys. I am confounded with the vivid grandiose words He says back. His speech is eloquent and clear and what He says is always good. Rich deep responces that challange and encourage. Oh how I love to hear from the King. I long to hear Him every day as I tune my ear to His voice.

Speak to me Oh God more and more everyday.

Blog Title

Someday I'll blog again. When I find where I misplaced my inspiration. Inspiration is like a rainbow colored unicorn. Beautiful yet elusive.

Wednesday

Some days you just need to hide in a fort.

Hopping

All my life I've struggled with trying so hard to find where I belong. I guess I've always tried to be a part of something; to have something that defines me. I am pretty good at some things, I'm pretty terrible at other things, but there isn't one thing that really defines me. I've never found something that I'm just really good at. I seem to float around. And because of that, I seem to float around to different places and different faces. Growing up I made myself an outcast at school because I feared rejection but the place I found comfort was church. I knew people there and I felt accepted. I've been in BC for two and a half years now and I'm still searching for a church where I can feel at home.
I suppose the only comfort I can take now is the truth that we as Christians cannot call this world our home. Because we are inhabitants something far greater. This "home" is only temporary and its our home in Heaven that really matters.
Cheesy moment over.
I really wish my church search could be over. Who knows, I might only be here for one more year, you never really know.

Shadowland

I was lost last semester. Not really sure how to put it to words but I feel like I was present in the physical sense but absent on all other accounts. Christmas break was an escape but not a solution. The tricky thing of escaping is that typically you have to return. Some things are unavoidable. When I arrived here at PLBC last week I felt something in my room as I walked in. It was like a weight was dropped on my shoulders once again; a complete intrusion on my peace. Over the next couple of days I was determined not to allow for the enemy to bring chaos into my life this semester. It's my job to train the chaos into something else and harness it this year. I refuse to be who I was. This shadow of me will be just that, a shadow of the past not a mirror of the future.

Know:Live:Speak

I recently jumped on the bandwagon of Twitter. I was wondering what Twitter was actually contributing to my life when I stumbled upon a convicting tweet by John Piper. It said

"People are less intimidated when you are more like them, but are they more helped? (John 7:46)"

Jesus didn't tone his message down to suit his audience. Jesus spoke the truth and He never apologized for it. John 7:46 says "No one ever spoke the way this man does,” the guards replied." I guess I get convicted in how I have approached the Gospel in the past. So often I find myself worried about how people will feel if I tell them the WHOLE truth. Its easy to tell the super nice parts of the Gospel. Like the "Jesus loves you" parts but its not so easy to say that Jesus "loves the sinner but hates the sin", or "take up the cross", "give up everything to be sold out for Jesus". People don't really like to hear that what they are doing is sinful and that they need to change. I can see a lot of compromise in my life and I want to change that. Know the truth, live the truth, and speak the truth.