Believing in the Impossible

I don't really know what's going on with me. I've been in an incredibly amazing mood these past few days. Not that I don't like it, I just can't quite figure out why. Life's pretty great right now don't get me wrong. My internship is better than I could have ever expected and my relationship with God is booming. But, not everything is so great. Let's not forget my terminal case of singleness. I know I know, that sounds pathetic, but seriously, sometimes my relationship status gets me a little down. But recently I just can't help but be positive about everything! I know that some things won't change, I just can't help but have hope that they will. God has taught me to believe in the impossible and currently finding my guy seems pretty impossible. So, I'm believing in it! I refuse to be sad about where I'm at because this is where God wants me. 

Holy Wind

God is blowing me away these days. I'm constantly in awe of Him. He is unbelievably good! Seriously! I can't get over how great it is to follow Him! He never disappoints me. NEVER!

Transforming Love

God amazes me. I never dreamt that He could do so much for me over the course of two months. Now, lets see what He'll do over the next two months! He is so good to me. His grace and mercy are unmatchable, His heart for me undeserved. How did I get such a loving father? He has shown me a transforming love that sees no bounds. I wake up every morning wondering what He will do today, what He will break in me, what He will grow. I am always changing in the midst of His immutable grandeur. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Serenity

....the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled....

I've confused peace with feeling emotionless. The truth is that I don't feel upset or depressed because God has filled me with a glorious peace. I don't need to worry about anything because if I've learned one thing in the last year its; when you follow God there is great favor. I will rest in Him. There I find my serenity.

Frozen

Recently my thoughts have been so scattered. Possibly due to my new intern schedule that barely leaves me a minute to breathe let alone a minute to organize my brain. I'm not really sure where I'm at emotionally right now. I guess you could say that I'm numb. I know that deep down I'm devastated because I just found out that a certain future plan I had has fallen through, but I can't seem to cry about it. I can't muster one single tear, not even watery eyes. I feel nothing. I feel empty. I'm frozen in time, unable to move forward or back. I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers. 

....

Sometimes I'm such a fool. 

I Wish

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanted know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.
And I wish that we could see if we could be something.
Yea I wish that we could see if we could be something.

Recently I had a friend tell me I was lovestruck. Its probably true. She said that she wouldn't be surprised if I was the first of our little high school group to get married. That puzzled me. I really don't know what possessed her to say that. I am not in a relationship nor am I even close to one. The song above is by Kate Nash. Some say it's rather depressing but I think it's beautiful. It describes my feelings perfectly. 

Sometimes I wish I was someone's favorite girl. That my smile was his favorite smile. I would love to be his little mystery that he desperately wanted to solve. I wish I had someone to hold my hand when I was upset. I wish I had someone who needed me and who knew me deeply. I wish that to someone I was the last thing they thought of before they went to sleep. I wish

I refuse to not see it through

I solved a problem today. A problem I'd been struggling with for a while. I was chatting with Jess on skype today and solved it. I had no intention of figuring it out. I was just talking and then suddenly everything clicked. Once you verbalize what your feeling then you can begin to process it. I didn't know that deep down I knew the answer but then there it was typed out. Ha, its funny. Jess has a way of getting to the root of an issue. She asks the right questions, the kinds of questions that lead a person to an answer. 

Here's the new problem. The solution to the previous issue is far more scarier then not knowing the answer. Maybe I would have been better off not knowing how I felt. I finally put the pieces together and revealed a frightening picture of my future. Now, my future isn't scary, in fact its beautiful. Its what I have to get to that's scary. I hate to say it, but I need to become bold. I need to go for what I want or I'll never see it through. 

I realize this is the worst blog I've posted. It doesn't make any sense to anyone who would read it. But I don't expect anyone to read it, I don't expect anyone to understand. All I know is that I need to make some changes and I need to make them soon. 

a word

how can i describe your grandeur?

how i can express how beautiful you are?

you constantly move me

like a ship on the open sea

i am captivated by your presence

you anoint the lowliest for your kingdom

you look upon the lost and the humble

you exalt the unworthy

you lift me up and you call me yours 

you life me up and you call me yours

Broken Boxes

Thailand was incredible. Words can't really describe. God worked on me in ways I never imagined. Here is a blurb taken from my journal:

"Day 12- It's pretty pathetic how much girls dwell on love. We always have some boy on our minds. Sometimes it consumes me. I try to think of something else but all I can think of is my future and how much I want him to be apart of it. Sometimes I feel imprisoned by my own mind. My plans put me in a such a constricted box. I can't get out of it no matter how hard I try. The box is made of glass which taunts me with its transparency. I can see reality but I cannot touch it because of what I've built for myself and every time my plans fail the box shatters and I build my new box over the broken remains of the previous one. With every broken box my knees get bloodier and bloodier from the shards of glass. At this point my knees are deeply scarred and it seems like those scars have become a part of my identity. I carry them with me. If anyone asked I could tell them the story behind each and every one of them. About what caused them and how long it took to heal. Each of my scars are a testimony of God's redeeming love. How He always pulls me out of my deepest pain and begins the healing process. "

"Day 28-It's about time I started dancing over all these broken boxes and rejoice over what God has brought me through. I put the past behind me and rest in the security I've found in the King. I lay down all my scars to my loving Savior. I surrender any hidden agendas or plans for a distant future. Oh God, I can not begin to fathom the plans you have for me. I realize that I am in process. I am a beautiful painting you're working on. Lord, help me to move out of the way from  your plan, I'm sorry I've gotten in the way. God, I remove myself and submit to you and your promises. You alone know the future and you alone are faithful."