He's waiting

No matter how good your feeling there is always a way the enemy can sneak in a steal that good mood and replace it with a new terrible one. All smiles one minute and then.. disaster. The enemy is cunning. He'll do whatever it takes to pull you down. He watches you so that when the time is right he can attack you at your most fragile place. He's sick, deranged, and worst of all he's charming. He woes you. He beckons you. But God is bigger than all of that. He is righteous, mighty, and powerful. And when you're in the midst of the enemy's attack He says, "I am waiting for you." (Luke 15:11-32) He waits for you to see who's the one against you and run to Him. He's waiting. Just open your eyes and go.

What Got You Last Night?

Recently Spiritually I've been going through a rough patch. But God is so faithful to pull me out of those situations. All my life he's proven that. I was thinking about that this evening when I had to outline my testimony that I'll be sharing in Thailand in May. Reliving my past was harder than I thought. I was sitting in one of the library side rooms in near tears as my mind raced from one horrible memory to another. My chest grew tight and my breathing got heavier as I closed my eyes and pictured myself curled up in a ball crying my eyes out and screaming at the top of my lungs for my mom to come in my room and save me from my dreams. I could taste the salty tears and I could feel my hot breath under my covers. I remember waiting for the sound of my moms door because that meant that everything would be better. I remember every word she said to me. "Just worship Jemima. The demons will leave if you tell them too." Can you imagine? A ten year old kid yelling for the demons to leave at 3 o'clock in the morning. That was my childhood. Preschool until eighth grade. That's probably why I sleep so well these days, I'm making up for my past. The most compelling part of my story is what my mom asked me every morning. "What got you last night?" and I would always answer the same way. "Nothing Mama." She would always remind me that God is my protector and He is faithful and He is greater than the devil and He can manage anything Satan throws at me. 

So just worship Jemima. Worship Him because He is the mighty warrior and He has won! He has saved me from the evil one! Worship Him because it makes the demons leave. Worship Him because He deserves it. 

This Beautiful Place

My soul is in a dark place. A place where I feel totally removed from God, I feel alone, worthless, dry, useless, unloveable, and forgotten. I fear that I've been here for weeks; unable to hear the voice of God despite my desperate efforts. I cry out to Him and seem to hear no response. All I hear are the echos of my plea reverberating off the walls of the endless pit I scream them into. They sound pathetic and it sickens me. I feel completely rejected, abandoned, and removed. I feel ready to break.

As desperate as I feel I can't help but have faith in what will come. As I fall deeper and deeper my Father waits. He waits for the moment to catch me. The moment at which I'm broken enough that He decides He can fix me. As humans there is a point at which something is unable to be fixed, but with God, that's when He fixes things; when the faith and hope for saving has run out.

ok.....

I think I'm at that point.....

Please catch me..... 

A Random Thought

Lord, you constantly surprise me. 

I am amazed how you can turn everything around for the good.  

Through every situation my faith grows.

You never disappoint. 

With every new day I am in awe of your great mercy and grace. 

No words could ever be enough. 

Someday

I'm slowing coming to the realization that I could care less about boys. I know, I know, it took me long enough. After spending so much time dwelling on my loneliness, I'm finally sick of it. 

Someday I will find the man who will love me unconditionally, who will lose his breath when he sees me, who dreams about my smile, who's thoughts echo with my laughter, who prays for me every night, who sees me, really sees me. 

Someday I will find the man who I will love unconditionally, who will take my breath away, who haunts my dreams, who's eyes make me weak, who I will pray for every night, who I will see, really see.

Until then I refuse to be defined by my singleness. I refuse to change myself in the meantime. I refuse to act like all those other girls and flirt shamelessly. I refuse to be anyone but myself. 

I've been thinking about all those girls who throw themselves at boys and how ridiculous they look. What do they think they're achieving? I know what they're achieving. They're gettting boys hopes up, boys they have no interest in. If flirting makes girls feel better about themselves and more loved, then that's fine. That's not for me. I have no interest in having several boys looking at me at all times. I just need the one. I'm going to find a guy who respects me; especially for the fact that I won't throw myself at him. 

Love me

Love Me by JJ Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees 
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please 
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner 
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me? 
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said 
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life 
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love 
The love that you never knew

As a I cry in the corner wondering if he'll ever come You wrap Your strong arms around me and tell me that you have a plan. That You love me deeply and richly, that You care for me in a way I couldn't possible imagine. That You love me for me.