I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I just haven't met you yet

by Michael Buble

I'm not surprised

not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times,

I stop keeping track.

Talk myself in

I talk myself out

I get all worked up

and then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to loose it

I came up with a million excuses

I thought I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out

you'll make me work so we can work to work it out

and I promise you kid that I'll give you so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait

I'll never give up

I guess it's half timing

and the other half's luck

wherever you are

whenever it's right

you come out of nowhere and into my life

and I know that we can be so amazing

and baby your love is gonna change me

and now I can see every possibility

and I know someday that it'll all turn out

you'll make me work so we can work to work it out

and I promise you kid that I'll give you so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet

they say all's fair

and in love and war

but I won't need to fight it

we'll get it right

and we'll be united

It Hurts

Sometimes I ask myself why I dress up, why I straighten my hair, wear jewelry. What's the point? I guess I just want to be seen. JUST SEE ME. AREN'T I WORTH IT?

I just want to be seen. Its never happened and I'm losing hope that it ever will.

I Want the Moon

There once was a little girl who dreamed big. She never let anything stop her from getting what she wanted. One night she looked up and saw the moon and said "Daddy, I want the moon." He said to her "Well, the mountains are in the way." "Daddy will you move the mountains?" She asked. "Baby, for you I'd move the whole Earth." He responded.

Savior you can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save

Beautiful

I need you like the rain

Come to me and sing again

I long for your love so much

I've wanted your pure touch

You are Beautiful

Beautiful

You are Beautiful

Beautiful, so Beautiful

Beautiful

I need you to be here

Come to me I can feel you near

I love you, you are my hope

You love me as your own

You are Beautiful

Beautiful

You are Beautiful

Beautiful, so Beautiful

Beautiful

God you are so beautiful. I need you, come to me

Done

Put a fork in me. I'm done. Done with the search, done with the questions. I'm done.

I'm Smothering Myself

Only You by JJ Heller

Are you the little girl who locks herself inside her room
Waiting to be rescued
Or are you the captain of war
That he began to prove his merit as a man

Everyone is known for something
What’s it going to be for you

Are you the picture of perfection
But when it comes down to it you don’t have a clue
Or are you the center of attention at all times
God help the man who takes away your chance to shine

Everyone is known for something
What’s it going to be for you
No one else can paint your portrait
With an unobstructed view

You’re the one who gets to choose
How much of you you’ve got to lose
How much of you you’ve yet to gain
Who are you...

I think I am the little girl who locks herself inside of her room waiting to be rescued. I live my life so guarded so worried about getting hurt but the reality is that I'm hurting myself way more by holding back. I need to be rescued from myself. I am holding myself back from the girl I could be.

Holding On

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

Fairy Tales

Little girls are raised to believe that someday their prince will come on a white horse and sweep them off their feet and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. What a ridiculous thing to teach a child! Life is not a fairy tale. There is no such thing as living happily ever after, and there is no such thing as "the perfect prince". But girls lets get serious, there's no such thing as the innocent princess that stays in the castle waiting for her prince and is perfect in every single way. The whole scenario is complete bull. Fairy tales are purely a picture of the "ideal" life.

This is what happens in fairy tales:

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here
Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood
For shame she says
None for you dear prince, i'm tired today
I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

Snow White is doing dishes again cause
What else can you do
With seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and calls up a friend
Says will you meet me at midnight?
The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says
Would have cut it myself if i knew men could climb hair
I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows

Head Cold Thoughts

I've been trapped in my room for two and a half days with a horrible vicious cold and consequently have had a lot of time to think about my life. When you're hacking, sneezing, and blowing you often stop to think about the current state of your life, at least I did. How pathetic am I? Constantly thinking about boys and subsequently wasting my life away. Why can't I be happy with the here and now? My head is pounding from the pressure of my sinuses but also from the pressure I put on myself to find someone. It's all me, I'm the only one consistantly asking myself, "Why don't you have someone yet?" My sister is heartbroken because it seems like everyone around her is getting pregnant and she's been trying for over a year with no success, and that's how I feel. Everyone's getting together, engaged, or married. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but envious too. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Flip Flop

I am two minded. One mind says "I'm ok", that I'm content. The other says "I'M SO MISERABLE!" Which one will win? Somedays I am happy and sincerely satisfied with life, but others I concede to my more melancholy side. Its draining to flip flop back and forth and I find myself wondering who I really am. Am I happy or am I sad?

Victory in Victoria

This weekend was precisely what I needed. I need to be away from campus, away from all my stress, and to just relax. I officially LOVE Victoria BC.

And Out of the Darkness There Came a Light...

I've had a difficult begining. I put too much stock in the fall and my life imploaded on itself. I was experiencing a dark night of the soul, and it was rough, real rough. Too many tears, fits, and outragious thoughts. I had to put an end to it.

Sunday night I cried and yelled it out with God. He was clear, "Who are you serving? Yourself? Or me?" Wow, seems so simple yet entirely profound. I had been serving myself. I made a turn around. Along with Courtenay and Serena I wrote down all the lies I'd told my self and all the stuff I'd been focusing on. I wrote these down before I left to pray so afterwards I realized that all that I'd written down were things that I'd been serving. I burnt them and watched the ashes blow away. And I felt a peace. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I am empty ready for God to fill me. Pour it on God!

I'm Getting Used To It

Broken Heart by Motion City Soundtrack

I’ll start this broken heart
I’ll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I’ll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that’s yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love
But I get carried away with every day

And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it
I’ll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They’ll never guess what’s not inside
I’ll express myself with ease,
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they’ll talk to me
But I get carried away with every page
In every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it
I’ll destroy this useless heart
I’ll mess it up so it’ll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone
But I get carried away
with every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it, you just have to live with it

I don't want anyone reading this blog to think that I have a broken heart, but so many of these lines are far too true for me right now.

This Is For Real

I'm so glad that I created this blog this year. Its proved to be my point of release. What a healthy positive way to unleash everything that's pent up inside. A couple of nights ago I took some time to read through the past couple of months of posts. I sat in a dark room and read them out loud so that my own ears could hear all that God has done for me this year. This blog is a testimony of God incredible grace in my life.

Recently, starting at Rockridge, I've had such a focus switch. My focus is moving towards God, my job, and my friends relationship with God. And this is real, this is not me just saying that I've changed so that I sound "holy" it is an actual transformation. This hasn't been easy and its been a test after test from God to find out if this lesson is sticking. For example, Thursday morning I had a breakdown. I left early from class, took a drive, yelled at God, cried at God, and listened to God, it was beautiful. Afterwards I sat in a random parking lot in Newton and wailed on the phone with my mom. At the end of my pity fest with her she told me to worship and count my blessings because "if you can thank God in the midst of this then you have the world beat." This wasn't a new concept for me, I always struggle with worshiping despite my circumstances. But I knew I needed to champion this so I began to worship God for His ever present presence in my life. My attitude did a 180 immediately and my day ended up being pretty great. I know that was a test to see where I stood with God in the bad times. During worship we sang a song "You are God Alone" and a line said "and right now, in the good times and bad, you are on the throne, you are God alone". No matter what I'm going through God is still sovereign and He still cares for me. He is never distant He's as close as my skin.

Habits

"I need to say goodbye to all the metaphors and lies that have taken me years to come up with"

You know when you go down a old road in the forest and the path is so worn down that your tires just fall into the divots and follow the hundreds of tires that have forged the way? That's what my brain does. When I see someone I like or am semi-interested in I immediately fall into those divots. I am a creature of habit. The worst part of it is that when I find out that there is no future in him I think the same thing. "I'm not thin enough.", "I'm not beautiful enough.", "I don't flirt enough, he doesn't even know I exist.", "I'm not good enough.", "I'm never going to find anyone.", "I'm so sick of this." to name a few. But what I really need to do is train my brain not to think that way. I can't handle thinking that way, I'm not strong enough to continue doing that and I can't afford the emotional expense. But habits die hard. Its so easy to fall into a pool of self pity and drown in it. This will be a process.

Up There

I think I'm going to like this tower business. I like being distant. Not in a personality way, but in a "Are you worth my time?" way. Nothing stuck up, nothing pretentious. I really like the view from here. And from this tower I feel safe and up high I feel closer to God.