2010

Here’s my last blog for 2010. I’m writing it at a church here in Corvallis Oregon that acts as a women’s shelter during the winter so homeless women have a warm place to sleep at night. It’s 3 AM and I have to stay awake in case the police drop anyone off here, or the women need anything. My mom is asleep until I decide I can’t stay awake anymore, and then she’ll take the next shift. It’s a kinda funny way to end the year. Its proof that I never really know where God is going to lead me and its more fun to just let Him do all the directing because I get to do sweet stuff like this.

A woman came into the room I’m hanging out in at about 1 am wanting to know if I could get her something to drink. She wasn’t feeling very well. At first I wondered if she was a little “off” mentally, which could definitely be the case, but as she began to talk and I learned that she had been drunk all day. I realized that I was getting the partially still drunk version of the story. I wonder what she’ll say in the morning once she’s had a chance to sleep some of it off.

Despite her current state she was saying some pretty truthful things. She kept saying how it was all her fault, how she had not gone to the bank, and she lost her bike, and she didn’t go get a shower today because she had decided “like a fool” to drink the day away. “It was only a few bottles of whiskey.” she said, so casually. My hour with her became a profound lesson in what happens when you put your own selfish desires first. I didn’t get her life story, I don’t know anything past what her day looked like, but from that I saw a woman that let alcohol dictate what she would do. She was horribly distraught to think about all that she didn’t do. She said she needed to go to the doctor but was too drunk to go and because of that she didn’t get her meds.

As I sat at the table and listened to this poor woman who was obviously starved for conversation, I thought to myself, “I don’t want to serve anything or anyone other than God.” It doesn’t seem worth it. I wonder what she thinks of when she looks at the past year. Will she remember most days? Or will she have days or weeks that are blacked out? When I look back at 2010 I see a year that can only be described as the strangest ride of my life. It started out at PLBC prepping for tour team, getting involved with the gong show, at one point I was dressed as a nerd named Martine, but we won’t talk about that… Then I was on tour, traveling all the way to New York City a place that I had only dreamt of going and didn’t think I would actually ever get to see. Then there was Grenada. Wasn’t that just a random time in my life?!?!?!?1 hahaha. God taught me so much about waiting on Him and following Him no matter where He leads. Then I got back to BC for another semester and was challenged in ways I never wanted but it was so good. God kept telling me to wait, to wait on Him, so that’s what I did. And honestly, I’m not too proud of the way I ended the semester but I survived it and I’m stronger because of it.

I have a pretty incredible life and it’s because of my God. Its not because of me following my selfish desires, it has been a journey of me blindly walking in faith listening to God’s voice directing my steps. This is a lesson that I’m learning every single day. It starts with waking up and saying “Good Morning God!” and remembering that He is our focus, we are not our focus.

Thank you God for an unbelievable year. You always exceed my expectations! Lets take on 2011! You and me, God! Its just You and me!

Manifesto

Recently I've been on a mission to develop what I call my Dating Manifesto. And I suppose listening to all three sessions of Loveology by John Mark the pastor of The Way in Portland has sparked an interest to get all of my thoughts down in writing. Mostly so I can refer back. I've blogged before briefly about a few of these things, but I'm trying to link all of this together, so bear with me. So here goes nothing, my attempt to capture the millions of thoughts swarming around in my head on my life and dating.

dramatic pause

I am nearly 21 years old and I am single. By choice? Negatory. Happy about it? Yes. WHAT? Yeah, I said it. Love in the physical Hallmark card sense is something I've yet to experience. Never have I held a boys hand, or cuddled on the couch, and never have I kissed anyone. Now according to what the media wants you to believe, I would be among the minority. However, that's not exactly true. I know there are lots of people out there in the same boat as me, we just don't seem to broadcast it : ) But here I am and I'll shout it from the mountain tops. I have EVERYTHING to give my future husband.
I've been labeled in the past as the rough American girl with the redneck family. I was raised a tomboy. I can shoot a gun just as good as most guys. I don't have a problem talking about farts and poop. I've never been seen as the "princess" type. But believe it or not, I'm probably one of the biggest "hopeless romantics" you'll ever meet. Get past my tough exterior and you'll find the woman inside that just wants to be loved.
With several years of singleness behind me, I've had my fair share of time to develop my "list." Now before you roll your eyes and think "oh dear, THE LIST." I'd like to think my list is a little different then most. The typical reputation of a "My perfect guy list" (in pink glitter pen) is a list of stupid requirements that are absolutely impossible for any guy to achieve or to look like. And any girl that's going to rely on such nonsense better get used to seeing movies alone. BUT my list is different. I have zero expectations on appearance. Black hair, brown hair, no hair, I really couldn't care less. Sure us girls just melt at the sight of bulging biceps but that's not one of my requirements. I know that God has someone incredible lined up for me and I don't want to have any expectations of his appearance.

So here's a little glimpse of my list, or better said, what I'm waiting for:
I'm waiting for a man who doesn't compromise on the dreams that God has put in his heart. A man that has the guts to pursue his calling without question. A man that has the drive to get things done.
I'm waiting for a man who's love for the Lord is visible and contagious. A man that will be my spiritual leader.
I'm waiting for a man who is chaos to my order. Someone who will balance me and teach me to lighten up.
I'm waiting for a man who will be my poet warrior. Sensitive to his emotions, to the Spirit, and to my emotions and needs. But a man that will fight for what he wants, for what I want, and for what God wants.
I'm waiting for a man that will pursue me. A man that sees me for who I am and sees me also for who I will be as his wife and the mother of his children. A man who despite my independent personality, dares to approach me and become vulnerable with me and share his heart. A man who really cares to get to know me.

So how does that play out in dating?
Considering that I have so much to give to this man, and so do all girls, I cannot afford to settle. Those "requirements" "expectations" or whatever you want to call them that I just listed; are found in my future man. He will possess all of them and he will find me. Therefore, I refuse to pursue any guy in any way. I also will not waste my time "crushing" on guys because that truly is a waste of my time and a waste of space in my heart. Girls can get so caught up in liking someone that they can sort of "emotionally date" them and they can actually give their heart to this guy without him even knowing it. I am no exception. I speak from experience. But I stand now, firmly declaring that I will not waste time on any guy that is not the one that God has planned for me. I believe that I was designed with him in mind and that he will complete me and I him. In my own life, there will be no dating anyone I'm not 100% sure that he will be my husband. I will not give away my first kiss to anyone who isn't him. There will be no settling.

So that's me. That's what I'm waiting for. But how does this work with everyone else? Well, girls, you are worth so much. No matter where you are in your path, past relationships or not, you have A LOT to offer your future husband. I think that so often girls don't see their own value so they go around seeing themselves as cheap and acting like it. But that's not the case! As daughters of the King we are worth waiting for. And so are our husbands!

Ok, its getting really really late and I need to go to bed. There's a piece of my thoughts as of late.

Somewhere Only We Know

Ok, I'm home. I can breathe right? Then why do I still feel a weight on my chest? Why aren't I magically all better? Well maybe I should give myself a break. I have only been home for 4 hours. Can't everything fall back into place immediately? Wouldn't that just be nice. That would be more than nice, it would be unbelievable. Totally unreal. Totally not ever gonna happen.
The semester was chaotic. It had ups and downs. I feel like I just watched everything happen in slow motion. I sat back and observed all the changes and now I'm just realizing the effects of them all.
I have some silly goals for this break. Write my gong show skit, complete some sort of TV marathon with my sis, and make a BOSS dinner for my fam. But my real goal for this break is to recover. I need to deal with the things that were holding me back last semester and move on from them. I'm not taking this heavy load into 2011.

December

Caught in a jet stream
Removed to utter desolation
In the midst of starless chaos

Oh December what have you done?

Cold hard facts
Of change I didn't ask for
Of pain I didn't want

Oh December what have you done?

Confusion why are you here?
Doubt please go away
Indecision rid yourself

Oh December what have you done?

Pause.... Ok, Go

One week from tomorrow my lovely Serena Rachel Robinson will be returning from Grenada. The thought of her homecoming has made me so incredibly excited but it has brought on a different emotion. I absolutely 100% do not regret my decision of coming home. I have never once questioned that choice. However, when I came home I guess I just expected to be doing more. I think I had convinced myself that by coming home God would give me a reward and make all my dreams come true within like 5 days of coming home. What did I learn in Grenada again? Oh right, that God knows the timing and He knows the plan and I should be so misguided to say that I think I can predict Him.
I'm reminded what God told me at the end of last year when He called me to leave Surrey Pentecostal Assembly and told me just to go to church for a while. To get filled because I was running myself dry. I didn't know that was for the year 2010 when I started it. I think if I knew that God would be doing this for the whole year, I might not have done it at all. I love to work with teens. I LOVE to work for the church. It's been my life since I was a kid. I was always helping out in every area of the church.
So I might be a intern junkie. I might be a control freak that wants to help out with anything I can get my hands on. What did I learn this year? Calm down. Worry less, live more. Maybe its good just to sit in a church service every once and a while and just soak in the Word of God and His people. This has been one of the hardest seasons of my life and God knows it.
Next semester marks the semester where I get involved again. I'm unbelievably excited and I hope that when I dive in I can remember what I have learned this year.

I Need More Drama

I'm twenty years old, going to college, and single. I have plenty of drama in my life. However, what I am severely lacking are stage lights, roll away sets, and long drawn out elaborate dance scenes. Yes, I need some theater. I love the theater the most, more than art, more than music even. Imagine how I must feel about being here in BC for 2.5 years without seeing a single show! When I was younger I was a stage freak. I was in every play I could get my hands on. I even competed in a few drama competitions. Now fast forward to now, and the closest thing I can get to that is silly drimes and gong show skits. I need a musical. I need a play. I need some drama!
I'm at a school that focuses on music which is great, don't get me wrong I love music. But its so hard for me to watch all my friends get so into their music and live out daily what they love while I'm trying to find a way to do what I love. I guess I made a sacrifice by coming to PLBC. Obviously, PLBC doesn't have a drama department and I know that God wants me here right now, but I also know what God gave me this gift, this passion, for a reason. I need to figure out how to make all of this work. For the mean time.... I need to see a show. That would be my perfect Christmas present.

Insanity

Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Perhaps that's true. I've had a few situations come up in the past few months that are testimonies to this statements validity. What am I thinking expecting people to change or situations to change if I just keep doing the same thing? Maybe its like to just leave them alone.
Maybe I should just leave....

Battle Ground

Recently I've had my shield down. I've felt like I've been under attack by the enemy. At every corner its like I face a new obstacle. Last night I decided that I was done. Seriously over these frequent assaults. So I asked God for some relief and He sent me to Ephesians 6. When I opened my Bible it was like a hand came out from the pages and smacked me in the forehead. DUH! When I was in Grenada every single time Serena and I left the house we prayed the armor of God on us to protect us from the attacks of the enemy. But ever since I got back I haven't done that. Which is silly because I am still in the mission field here in Canada. Satan can still attack and he does it often! I realized that I need to suit up before leaving my room every morning.
"Father, today I put on the helmet of salvation, I grab my sword of the spirit, my shield of faith, my breastplate of salvation, my belt of truth. I cover my feet with the gospel of peace. Ready to enter into battle for You, Lord."

Beauty Breakdown

What is beauty?

Today marks half way through November but more importantly, Natural November. I do confess that the first week of this quest to challenge social standards of beauty; I found to be exceedingly more difficult then I had expected. To jump inside the mind of a young woman is to fall into a whirlwind of insecurity and a tangled nest of over thinking. To take make up off a young woman is the equivalent of stripping off her clothes and expecting her to be comfortable in public. I've never felt so exposed. Baring my imperfections for all to scrutinize.

What will people think of me?

I believe fear of man is the core of my obsession with cosmetics. Girls have fooled themselves into thinking that make up manufactures beauty and therefore makes them more desirable. Its the fear of man that dictates the amount of cover up I put on, or mascara, or blah blah blah. Its the thought that I will be judged or even worse, overlooked. Isn't that the core of it? That my natural skin and my boring eyes will not impress and I will be discounted?

Who dictates what beauty is?

The history of beauty is a journey of society's desperate attempt to define such a mystifying word. The dictionary defines it as: the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.). According to this definition beauty arises from sensory perceptions which would suggest that beauty truly lies in the beholder. It is subjective to one's personal opinion of what is beautiful.
No one can give guidelines for beauty.

The Truth

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You.
When I was made in the secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
Psalms 139:13-16

If this is how God made me and formed me to be then why must I feel the need to cover it? God's definition of beauty is vastly different then the social norm we are forced into. What is beauty? God's creation is beautiful. We are made in the image of God, who's radiance surpasses anything we can imagine. My new revelation?
I am beautiful, my Daddy in heaven tells me so. Now if only society could grab hold of this conclusion.

Peace

I sat on a park bench today and had a good chat with God. No one was around so I just talked and talked. I can't explain the peace I felt. Its like a wind that just swept through and took away all my worries. With every word I spoke I felt more and more freedom. God has that effect doesn't He? "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Right? Sometimes its hard for me to believe that He could actually care that much for me that He would listen to a little girl on a park bench talking about all of her silly little problems that don't matter much at all. But He does. He loves the time we spend together. He loves Sunday afternoons in the park. And so do I.

What's New?

It's late. But my mind can think of so many other things to do than sleeping and judging by my rapid typing, it seems my fingers and my mind just need to say something so I think it best to blog.

Being home stresses me out. Its a kick back into an old life and a reminder that I have no idea where my new life is headed. My parents are always interested in what's new in my life. With me you never really know and I think they're grown to expect that. The simple question can bring a variety of answers pertaining to my major at PLBC, my future at PLBC, my ministry focus as of late, and various other subjects. Never a dull moment in my brain, I can tell you that much.

Last night I sat down with my parents to discuss all that is new with me, including recent cry fests about how I believe my life is going nowhere, but mostly focusing on the new opportunity with the Pregnancy Options Center. As I began to explain to my parents what I've been praying about and trusting God to illuminate; things started making sense. I realized that the dreams that I have had for years could actually be obtainable and I might actually be on the right track to see them come to completion. I suppose this is always a good thing.

Two silly dreams I've had suddenly collided and I realized what I need to do. First, I have a dream to speak in front of large groups of youth and young adults. I have had visions of me on stage preaching in front of crowds and I believe these visions are God given. The second is to write a book. This seems impossible but with God I know what the impossible is made possible. So why fear?

I realized that working with the Pregnancy Options Center is the perfect step for me on this path towards my future. It will help me become more comfortable with public speaking and familiar with the topic of "sexual integrity" which is what I want to write about in this book. I want to write about the seasonal gift of singleness and relationships. I realize right now, I can't quite write about relationships considering I know nothing about the subject but this will be a process. It's all about making steps towards my goals.

I am tired of dreaming and its about time to do something about those dreams. If this means starting chapter outlines for this book, then that's what I shall do. I am a driven girl. I will not let anything get in the way of these dreams. Step by step, I will walk in faith towards my dreams. My path is ordained, this is know for sure.

In Your Hands

In the midst of the chaos of my life as of late there remains one constant. God holds my hand. I want to continue to live the way I have been the last few months... casually strolling along with my Savior. Sometimes I literally find myself clenching my fist when I'm stressed to almost squeeze Jesus' hand. Sounds childish, I'm sure, but He is my comfort. So often I can actually feel His presence in my life. There are times where I don't feel like I'm walking alone. I panic easily in a stressful situation but since Grenada that's all changed. I can get overwhelmed sure, but who's going to fault me for that. I'm a full time college student, I've got stuff going on! But overall I don't need to worry about anything because God is here. He is in the room with me right now. He is ever present. With God by my side, who's going to mess with me?

Have You Not Heard?

I am exhausted. Midterms are killing me mostly because they are mixed in with papers upon papers. But Jemima, do you now know? Jemima, have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, Creator of the ends of the earth does not get weary. His understanding is beyond comprehension. He gives strength to the weary and those that lack might He gives power. Youths may get tired and weak but strength comes to those that wait on the Lord. They will renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary and walk and not faint. (loosely taken from Isaiah 40)

In my weakness I must wait on the Lord. In my exhaustion I will wait for Him.

My God is always faithful. He restores my soul.

As I am weary I will praise God for who He is and bring thanksgiving for all He has done.

I look to Him only, for He is my salvation.

Cupcakes

I need to make some cupcakes. I've realized today that making cupcakes is how I cope with my feelings. Its not always cupcakes, it could be cookies, or a cake. But its the act of baking. Maybe its because I need to do something that I'm good at, something that I can control. I don't even like to eat cupcakes. Maybe I'll eat one, but usually I give the rest away or just throw them away.

This is what makes living on campus really hard. I am upset. And I need to bake.

Standards

I got in a discussion just the other day about relationships. I know I know, big surprise. It's all us Bible College students talk about, well that and calvinism. But something struck me about this particular talk. In the end I discovered that in fact it is possible to settle for someone who looks the part, acts the part, and is incredibly awesome in every way. Well not every way... because setting involves giving up on something you want/need/require. I've been thinking that its really important for the person you spend the rest of your life with to have the same standards as you do. I'm not just talking big stuff like Christianity, and the BIG QUESTIONS of life. I'm also talking about other things. Many people in Bible College look the part. The BIG QUESTIONS line up but sometimes what we want is different. I see people settle on mates that are wonderful people, but in all honesty, aren't 100% what they want. See, I have standards that my guy must live up to. He MUST have the same views as me, on many different things. I hope that I never settle on anyone that has different views and convictions that clash with mine, no matter how amazing he may be. There are some fantastic guys out there, some of which I call my closest friends, but no matter how great they may be, I know what I want and I know what I need. But more importantly God knows what I want and what I need and He'll provide.

Bottle

God gave me a sweet word tonight. Psalms 56:8 says, "You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle, are they not in Your book?" And I thought to myself, I've wept for my future spouse before. I have wept at the void in me without him. I have wept at the thought of what he is struggling with right now. I have wept for him. What if God collects my tears? haha. I'm just filling my bottle.

And maybe it will rain on the day I find him.

Ruts

I'm becoming more aware of how satan chooses to attack me. This is good because you should know your opponent so you can always be one step ahead. I guess I'm getting pretty tired of him going after my self worth. This weekend has been hard for me in many ways and I've caught myself falling into satan's old trap. I can't allow myself to go there. I can't think that way. Satan lights a fire and then steps back to see it burn. JJ Heller says it perfectly in her song All the Beauty when she says "I know that she's a liar, when I look into her eyes. But I believe in every word she says. She's out to start a fire burning everything I have. I can't put it out cuz its all inside my head." As soon as any thought belittling my worth comes up I just run with it. I seem to expand on it and dig a deeper hole. See its all inside my head. Its a combination of satan's lies and the ruts I've made in my thinking. It's like when I was in high school the route to school every morning was so burned into my mind that sometimes when I wasn't thinking on the weekend I would drive and just take the route and get close to the school and realize that I was meaning to go somewhere completely different. All satan does is whisper "See, you're not worth it." and my brain immediately gets in a rut and fast forward: later that night I'm sitting alone in my room crying. I wish I was kidding, I wish I was being overly dramatic (as per usual) but alas, over the past few years I've found myself repeating the same track over and over and sitting alone, sad, and broken in my room crying. I guess its hard for me to put all of this into words without being specific but like I've said before in my blog, I don't write for other people. I write for myself. I write to release and process. So it might not make sense but this is what I'm going through.

But here's the truth: I am a child of God and my worth is in Him.

I'm not that girl anymore

Oh yea. I have a blog. So easily forgotten....

This month I was handed an incredible opportunity. A mysterious uncle of mine named Moses sent me a message asking me to be staff at Tillamook Outdoor School. Every year he does this to me! Every year he pulls on my heart via e-mail message and I fight the urge to go. But why would I want to go? Why would I want to go to a camp where I only know like 6 people? Why would I want to push my comfort bounds even farther? So every year I politely turn him down with some sort of excuse that is severely lacking in believability and every year he sends a gracious e-mail back pretending to believe my excuse and always saying "well maybe next year" knowing full well that I will never come back. It's not that I didn't have wonderful time my senior year in high school as a counselor. But it was hard back then to make friends and I knew it would be no different this year. Well, what I "knew" turned out to be completely absurd.

You see, I didn't factor in one very important component. I'm not that girl anymore.

The Jemima PLBC knows today is not at all who I was in high school. Let me paint the picture of who I was. I was non-existent. If you asked anyone from my high school what my name is they might be able to tell you considering my name is... unusual. But that's all they would have known. I was the girl that didn't talk, most definitely didn't have a personality, and didn't care to try and get to know anyone. I had my 5-6 friends and I thought it would be best to just keep it that way because then I wouldn't have to put myself on the line to make new friendships. I didn't want to risk rejection so I rejected myself. In retrospect it was foolish, but it was the only way I could deal with my severe social anxiety. I was sad really. I had a loud mouthed, opinionated, social girl inside of me but despite all my efforts I couldn't get her out. My self esteem was so low that if you graphed it, it would have been in the negatives. I hated myself, I hated my body, and I hated life. The only place I felt like I fit was at church because those were the people I knew from childhood and I was comfortable enough around them to be myself. That's probably why I have wanted to be a youth pastor because I want to make youth comfortable at church and help them grow like the people at my church did. High school was full of judgment and social classes and I despised it. I was significantly bigger then I am now, so that didn't win me any friendships with the popular, (later found out) bulimic girl crowd. I've never been interested in conforming to look like them but so many times in high school I wished I could be them. Life seemed easier. I had programmed my brain to hate myself. I related everything to my size. "If I wasn't such a whale then they would have picked me for their study group.", "If I wasn't so obese then I would be able to be social." etc... It was an act of God that got me to Outdoor School. I still don't understand how I committed to do it because it was so outside of my comfort zone. When I got there I discovered that my self esteem was so low that when we did the "web of life" exercise as a group of counselors I was convinced that this group of 12 people wouldn't be able to pick me up and lift me through the web. I actually thought I was so heavy that no group no matter how strong they were would be able to lift me. And when they did, something in me broke. Something changed. Something came alive.

Fast forward to where I'm at now. I drove up to camp on a Friday night and I was terrified. I was just hoping I would immediately see someone I knew and could cling to them for the rest of the week. Well camp doesn't work like that! I knew only a few people but I wasn't working with any of them. I was working along side four other staff members who I had never met. We lived in a shady house that we named "The Galaxy" because our role on staff was as STARs (Super Talented Adult Resource). We all slept in the same room and there was no escape for me. I had to socialize and I had to work at it! The first two days were a little rough because I had to remember all the songs for camp and act like I knew what I was doing for the sake of the counselors I was leading. But before I knew it the week was coming to a close and I had made lifelong friendships. The girl high schoolers I was mentoring were telling me that I was like a big sis and that some of the things I had told them at our little campfires they would keep with them for years. I had done the "web of life" again with complete confidence and success and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I am not the girl I once was. I love myself now, I understand who I am in Christ and I am able to be myself around people. It's crazy to see where I used to be and where I am now. But the week at camp was a great reminder of that.

HAVE TO

I've had two talks in the last week with guys about what they are looking for in a wife and what I'm looking for in a husband. After talking to them both about this topic I have decided my number one quality that I'm looking for, besides devotion to God because that just seems pretty obvious. For me, my number one HAVE TO is a guy that's driven. I have goals in life. My goal is to be a youth pastor and then grow from there into a stronger pastor position. That is my goal. I need a man that has a goal. It doesn't have to be the same goal as mine, but it needs to work with it. But I have to have a guy that has a goal and the motivation to push through towards that goal. I have decided the most unattractive quality in a person is someone who doesn't care about their future. I don't want a "floater". Also, sometimes I'm not decisive... I need someone who can take the lead and make the decisions. That takes drive.

In my room I have posted my dating covenant that I wrote for Spiritual Formation 2. Its a picture of a giant diamond ring and in the middle is my covenant. Or I like to call it my manifesto. The tag line in it is "I refuse to settle for anything less than what I am worth." And that's the truth.

The problem is that I can get so wrapped up in the "chase" of finding a guy. But lets be real. I didn't come to college to find a mate. I came to get closer to God and understand what my calling is, and currently my calling is blindly following the voice of my savior. And right now, He's leading me places alone. One day He'll bring someone to walk along side of me, but that's not now. God has proven time and time again that His plan is far greater than my own so I would be a fool to focus on something that He isn't putting in front of me. Jesus has my heart, it's an apartment for one.

At the Gate

During worship yesterday we sang a song with the line "You are my shield" and when we began to sing it I saw a vision of my heart. And in front of my heard was a large shield. The shield was beaten up, obviously well used in battle. The kind of shield that Russell Crowe would carry in any of his movies. His characters are full of battle experience, highly respected in battle, and not to be trifled with. I heard the Lord say, "That's my shield, and I'll guard your heart." I started to think about the awful job I've done in guarding my own heart. Time and time again at the third hour of the night I fall asleep at the gate. It's extraordinary actually. I'm such a bad guard that its like when the enemy comes, and I can sense him, that's when I choose to lay down and take a nap. Its almost like I want him to come in and attack my heart. But here's the good news. Jehovah never sleeps. I knew yesterday that God was calling me to give up the job and allow Him to step in and guard my heart. So many times in my life God calls me to give up control and allow Him to take over. It's proved to be a difficult task for me but its an area I'm growing in. I need to realize that God has good things in store for me so I can trust His control.

Dream World

Reoccurring dreams are a funny thing. I wonder what's going on in my subconscious to repeat a similar dream over and over. Its not so much a reoccurring dream as it is a reoccurring person. Someone that can completely penetrated the fabric of my mind. I guess its probably nothing, but I would like it to stop. Its getting ridiculous. Isn't my dream world supposed to be my escape from my real world problems? It would just be nice to not have any of these petty issues in my dream world.

VBS

As Serena and I walked home from the graduation ceremony for VBS we walked with our arms in the air, just like Rocky did at the top of those stairs. WE CHAMPIONED VBS! That was quite possibly the hardest children's ministry job I've ever had. Its a tie with my week at kids camp last year, and if you know how I feel about kids camp, you'll understand that VBS here was no cake walk.

But I can honestly say that I can now make a VBS out of nothing. We had nearly no money and barely any craft supplies, no fancy curriculum, no videos. We had a few teachers and a desire to reach out to these kids; and I found out that that's all you need.

Praise the Lord Serena and I are getting a break. We'll be going off to St. Georges for three nights and spending some valuable time with our missionary Rev Jacque at her house and also spending some valuable time on Grand Anse beach! haha. I think we deserve some tan time. : )

God, You are so good! You get me through the hard times and You never let me down.

Complacent.

Complacent. To be satisfied with ones current situation. To not move away from one's current location. To be stuck. To be dry. To be ok with mediocrity.

How can one person look at their life and say, "Alright, I'm good, I don't need to achieve anything else. I'm happy with everything just the way it is." Maybe its just me, maybe I'm the only person that can't be satisfied. I cannot be satisfied with mediocrity. This trip so far has been teaching me to press into the Word and to press into God. I will not be satisfied with what I had with God. I want more, I want it all. I want to be always moving, always growing, closer and closer to the Lord. I never want to be stuck and most of all I never want to be ok with that.

Another Update

I find myself questioning my effectiveness here. I realize that with missions you can't measure your success on anything. Your success lies in relationships. But I suppose it would be nice to have something tangible to say "look... this is what I did" but it looks like I won't be getting that. Somedays I feel so useless but I know that's the enemy speaking. I know that there is a reason I am here. I'm just not sure what exactly that reason is.

Overall things are on the up. Serena and I are finally getting into a routine which has proven very effective for adjusting us to the culture here. Having goals for the day is imperative for our mental health. The culture here is unbelievably laid back and its hard to adapt to that. I hear people at home saying they wish they could have some relaxation time but in reality what I'm in is a whole different beast. Boredom is Satan's open door. But Serena and I are battling him with positivity. We know that we can't allow him to bring us down.

We just wrapped up a week of VBS and have one more to go. We're being challenged because communication is lacking and organization is a foreign concept when it comes to this island. Sometimes we feel over our head in this whole VBS thing but we're not going to let that stop us. We're learning a lot about ministry all ready even though we've been involved in minimal events.

Words

I was looking back on some words I got this past year and I finally saw the importance of them.

"Hold onto me. Don't lose sight of me. Continue to look to me always, when troubles come, I'm here. You can depend on me."

"You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you."

"Whatever trials you may face, just trust in Him. It's okay to cry and release your emotions. Expect trials because you know that your brothers and sisters in Christ are going through the same things all over the world. Whatever enemy uses for bad or to bring you down, God has a plan to lift you up and carry you out."

"The joy of the Lord is your strength! Your joy and gladness brightens others lives, choose to live life with God's joy in your heart. He loves you--so dance before Him! Praise Him in all opportunities because the love and passion your have for Christ is contagious!"

"Surrender all, surrender all, I'm dead to sin, alive within."

"Be obedient and the Spirit of God will find you!"

"One of my friends told me that you should never watch the enemy because you'll psych yourself out. Keep your eyes focuses on God, don't watch the works of the enemy."

"There is a time for mourning and a time for dancing but His joy will always come in the morning. There are struggles ahead but keep the faith and you will endure them. Do not be robbed of your joy by those who may accuse you but let it shine even brighter in the difficult circumstances. You are a strong tower when Christ is your cornerstone- keep Him int he cneter of your life. Psalm 33."

"You're going to go far my child, so do not quit when things get very tough. Suffering, failure and hardship is refining you and leading you back to me. Don't forget to seek first my Kingdom and my righteousness."

"Perseverance. Some things don't go like you wanted them to go, but know that God has got your back and all you need to do is trust Him and persevere."

Fear Dreams

I had a dream last night that pulled me out of bed this morning at 6:45 to think it through. The dream boils down to "I hate change, I fear change, I fear being forgotten, I fear taking a backseat, and most of all I fear having to act like I'm perfectly fine with all of that." Right now I'm working through some things in my life. Like, who are my true friends and what does it all mean. The dream made me fear that I can't rely on the same people anymore. That I am gone and everything will change and I will be in the dark. I fear coming back in January to PLBC. Maybe it would be easier if I just didn't come back. Or maybe it wouldn't. Once again I struggle with "where is my place?" So much going on in my mind this morning, maybe I should try to go back to sleep and dream something pleasant.

This Weeks Lesson

I've been reading lately about cross cultural ministry, in retrospect I probably should have been reading up before I came here. I just wrapped up my first book and what I got out of it and what I mentioned in my last post is that the language of Jesus crosses all cultural boundaries. Serena and I both taught a session of sunday school this morning and this is what we learned. Culturally the children are different here, they are more shy and less interactive but we overcame these obstacles. Our ministry here isn't fancy. We have no smoke and very few mirrors. For children's ministry we don't worry about being edgy in any way, for worship we don't worry about different camera angles. In fact, here they don't even worry about instruments! haha.

I pray that Serena and I achieve what we came here to do. That is to bless this church and come back changed. I already know there's no way I can ever come back the same, I just hope we can impact this church.

You are my everything...

I guess I really can't fathom the greatness of my God. Lets look at the facts. God called me here to Grenada, He miraculously provided the funds, and He got me here safely. Now its my job to do His work. I am just in awe of how involved He is in my life. Seriously. Serena and I are learning what it means to live in the palm of His hand. He is our everything. He is guiding this trip. Honestly, I am just floating around in this sea of grace, moving in the ways He wants me to go.

We're strangers to this land but we do have one commonality, that is the love of Christ. Jesus Christ is a language spoken by all cultures. It is because of Christ that we have been welcomed here with open arms. The church here, even though its struggling, has a passion for the Lord that I admire. These people are so thankful for everything, even though they have nothing. They praise the Lord no matter what. Its the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Church brings me to near tears. I hope we in America and Canada can learn to adopt this. They give the Lord their everything and they give Him all the glory.

Serena and I have withstood countless attacks from the enemy so far on this trip. Its made us spiritually and emotionally exhausted but it has also made us spiritually aware. There is a battle raging all around us. We will not be defeated. No matter how tired we are of fighting we will never put down our swords. There wouldn't be this much attack if satan wasn't nervous about us being here. : )

Trip Beginnings: an overview

I'm double posting all my Grenada blogs to both of my blogs because after I get back I will delete my Grenada blog but I'm going to want to keep the posts. This way they can stay on this blog forever.

Well I thought I should probably put up a blog so all my friends and family could see what I'm up too. I've been journaling like a mad woman in my missions journal but I suppose its time to go viral.

Let me paint a picture for you all of my current situation. I am sitting less than a foot in front of a fan. I am not sitting on the couch because well... I am so severely sunburnt that I can't let my back touch anything. Now before you get all motherly, I did apply sunscreen as did Serena who is in the exact same situation I have found myself in. We discovered that the sun here is crueler and our sunscreen was made ineffective. In retrospect I should have just worn a long sleeved shirt and jeans but the 78% humidity wouldn't allow for that. The heat is unbelievable. I keep hearing people talk about how hot it is at home, and granted yes, the temperature is hotter. But we have humidity... lots of it. And let me remind you that everyone at home also has air conditioning, or if not they have air conditioned cars, or if not they have the ability to go to a supermarket, or bank, or movie theater. Like really. I can walk to.... um... someone else's house and sit on their porch... yea. Haha, I know that we'll get used to it soon enough. Our apartment is crazy nice in comparison to the other houses in the area, we have wireless internet, and pretty much everything we could ever need here, so I'm really not complaining.

Our land lady is really great, she's kinda like our surrogate grandmother here. Last night she delivered biscuits that she had just baked. They were delicious and this morning she delivered us some sort of giant banana thing with brown sugar that was also delicious. Not to mention that she brings us a mango or two every morning.

Now that I've covered all the little stuff, lets hit the hard stuff. Serena and I were immediately spiritually attacked upon getting here. In fact as the door closed to our apartment Wednesday night leaving us all alone, I sat on the bed, hyperventilated and cried. I couldn't understand why I was so upset. I just felt so lost. I took a minute to cry and then realized that I was being attacked. Serena and I began to pray. It helped a bit but it wasn't until she left the room and I looked in the mirror and saw the look of terror on my face and I started yelling prayers and telling satan to leave that I felt relief.

Day one was, to put it lightly, hell. Serena and I were sleep deprived from the heat and anxious. We just wanted to stay busy so we didn't freak out and cry but that didn't happen. We got a crash course in the Grenadian lifestyle. Let me break it down for you, they do nothing here in Conference. We're in the countryside in the middle of nowhere. Literally just a town on the way to somewhere better. Everyone knows each other here because everyone is related. The town is very poor, most people don't have jobs so they literally just sit on their porches. That's all. I'm not trying to talk it down or anything, its just a complete switch from the lifestyle of North America. There is no rush here. People come and go as they please. They'll wake you up in the morning to see how you are, and they'll just drop by whenever to say hello.

Needless to say, we're in culture shock. Google it if you want the definition, we did. : ) It may take a few weeks or months to get out of it. We're praying constantly, suiting up with the armor of God in the mornings and praying against attack when we see it coming.

So far, lessons learned....

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. Just stop, breathe, and pray.

The love of Christ breaks down cultural walls.

I can do anything through Christ that strengthens me.

Never underestimate the power of reading the word everyday.

Use more sunscreen.

Right now we're doing minimal ministry, which is our biggest concern. We have a desire to be used. We're going to plan for the two weeks of VBS at the end of this month and the graduation ceremony in August. The rest of our duties are unclear. I just hope we figure it out soon. So for now, Serena and I are just kinda sitting around and waiting to do stuff. This is a hard practice to have, let me tell you. We're getting some good reading done that's for sure. God really does speak in the silence. : )

Grenada day one

I'll be honest, today was hell. I really don't like it here yet. Its so HOT, its maddening. Bugs outside make a constant chirp, all night long. We don't have food. We have no one. We have no jobs. We're not even quite sure why they said they could use some help here. No one does anything. We sat around the apartment all day. Its literally been the longest day of my life. Last night was awful. We couldn't sleep well because of the blistering heat. We have AC in our bedroom but we can't use it for more than an hour because of cost. It wasn't until 5 that we got Gloria to turn the internet on. We're not really sure how we're going to fill our time. Church only meets Sunday morning and Tuesday evening. That's all the stuff we have to do. THAT'S ALL. We're under some attack, I know this. Serena and I cried for about an hour today about our current situation. Its hard here. I can't wait to come home.... already.

Getting Ready

I'm in route to Grenada. I'm about to partake in the craziest plan I've yet to formulate and will most likely be the defining moment of my college career. As the wheels took off from Portland I began to think why I'm doing this. Officially I'm doing this to fulfill a practicum requirement for my missions program, or at least that's the reason I give people. But I'm doing this for so much more than that. First of all I'm doing this to fulfill something much greater; the call on my life. God said, "Will you follow me? Will you give up some things for me? Will you do something that you're not comfortable with? Will you love my people? No matter where they are? Will you trust me?"

YES

I have high expectations for this trip. I expect to laugh, love, cry, pray, dance, and sing. I expect to be out of my comfort zone at all times. I expect to have no comprehension of what a comfort zone is when I return in December. I expect the Lord to move in ways I never imagined. I expect to be surprised at the strength the Lord has given me and I expect to constantly live in an ocean of grace.

I really have no idea what I'm doing but I have every idea of who I serve.

?

I don't really know what to think, what to say, what to feel. 6 days. 6 single days. That's it. I just don't know what to do. This is all so surreal.

Priorities

I've had a real problem with priorities recently. After tour I was focused on vegging out that I completely ignored God. I was convicted two nights ago when I realized that I hadn't even picked up my Bible the whole time I've been home. I realized that my priorities were focused inwards at myself instead of upwards. I can't afford to be selfish right now. I'm about to embark on a God mission and it has nothing to do with me. Its all about Him.

I've realized that the past two years at PLBC have been focused on me. Everything's about my gratification and me me me. But in fact everything we do should be for the Lord. Life is too short to spend in worried about yourself. I'm gonna worry about my relationship with God and let Him worry about me. He does a much better job of my life.

PAUSE!

I haven't been blogging since I got home because I've been too busy. Well, not so much busy as relaxing. But not anymore. Anything I do at home from now on is in preparation for Grenada. My lists are only getting longer and longer and as my lists grow so does my anxiety. Its hard to believe that in two weeks from today at this moment I'll be landing in Miami International Airport on my way to St. George Grenada. Life is flying by and I'm worried that I'm not ready for such a big change.

This trip is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't even fathom what's going to happen and the mystery of it all scares me. I'm not the bravest girl, I'm not the thrill seeker, but here I go off to live on an island for 5 and a half months. Why would I sign up to do this? Why would I do this to myself? I'm freaked out of my mind to be honest. I don't think I want the next two weeks to go by fast anymore. I'm clinging for dear life to the safe life I've always known.

Finding Me

I've been home for a week now and I'm trying my best to get into the swing of things. I'm just now starting to actually feel better after tour, catching up on sleep, relaxing, you know. But now is the time I need to step up my life and get some things done. I have a list of stuff to do in my head and I need to start achieving them. Three weeks from today I'll be arriving in Grenada and I need to get ready.

God's been working with me lately on being ok with being alone. Its a hard lesson but God's bringing me through it. I need to block out thoughts of rejection, loneliness, and jealousy. I need to get on track because I'm about to stretched outside my box in Grenada. I can't be thinking about this stuff, I need some focus.

Home can be good, but it can also bring me back into old habits and old thoughts. My home is up in BC but my home is here in Oregon. Soon my home will be in Grenada. "Home" is a tricky term....

And Here I Am

Home is weird. I guess I don't really know my place here. I kinda feel like I'm a visitor sometimes. I guess I really don't know how to express what I'm feeling. Maybe home is in Surrey, maybe home isn't anywhere, I don't know. I just feel constantly awkward and with the impending trip to Grenada my stress levels are skyrocketing. I need to relax.

The End is Near

We are officially one week from arriving at PLBC! I’m thrilled! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m just holding on to the hope of freedom! Unfortunately I haven’t seen this trip as bringing me any closer to God like Thailand did, like I expected it to. But it changed something else in me. I am a far more confident public speaker and that in itself is an invaluable change. I jump up on that stage that I belong there and command that mic like I own the place. I was never like that, especially with a mic and a large audience. Our last show was in Beausjeauor Manitoba. Sunday morning in a little baby town, I wasn’t expecting much. But it turned out to be our biggest non youth crowd, you know what? It was actually probably our biggest show yet period. And I spoke and wasn’t freaked out at all! It wasn’t perfect, that’s for sure, but I did it! I’ve grown so much in this area on this tour. I feel far more confident of my calling now.

Get me out of this Spaceship!

Current Location: wow… I could care less. Hour 12 of our 36 hour drive.

Seriously , life is difficult in Jafar. Tensions are high, sickness is brewing, and I’m over it. We left Fredrickton New Brunswick at 11 last night and drove until 5 this morning to stop at Quebec City for an hour, where we walked the streets and laughed our butts off. Its now 11 (we added an hour with the time change) and we’re headed to hang out in Ottawa for an hour. This sucks.

PEI

Current location: Prince Edward Island more specifically “the van”

The last few days we’ve been laughing more as a team I think its because we’ve gotten more sleep. We’re not on each others cases as much but I’m worried patience is growing thin again. Mostly on my part to be honest. My snarky side is becoming more prevalent and my words are like getting sharper. I’m aware that my words can cut like knives.

This week is pretty easy peasy. Lots of sightseeing and driving. Its not too bad really. One more week and another driver and another vibe. I’m excited to see the change. We could use a fresh breeze.

Emotionally, I’ve been processing a lot recently. Too much time in the van with my ipod listening to slow songs I’m afraid. For a while I had forgotten about all the garbage that I left in BC. All the stupid emotional heartache I put myself in. But I’m realizing how I can’t escape it. It’s amazing how lonely you can feel in the middle of a van touching at least two people and smelling another seven.

I’ve been thinking about Grenada a bunch and mostly thinking about how many goodbyes I’m going to have to give when we arrive back to the school. I hate to think about it. Jess’ goodbye is going to be rough. I’m saying goodbye for six months and then hello for two and then goodbye for who knows how long. She’ll be moving off to Ontario for ministry school and I’m really happy for her but it’s a hard situation. I’m reminded of my sister who’s college best friend lives in Oklahoma. Its not very encouraging when you find out that Cass and Shaney talk like once a month. I don’t like that at all. But I guess mostly I’m dreading saying goodbye to Silas. He’s become my closest boy and I can honestly say I don’t know what I’m going to do without him in my life. Internet communication isn’t the same and I’m not going to pretend that we’ll keep that up for years. Two weeks and its over. I hate it. I hate it so much. Just now I’m tearing up at the thought of it and should probably stop talking about it for fears that people will begin to notice. But I can’t continue to avoid this subject. Whenever it gets brought up I loudly tell everyone to SHUT IT and we move on to a better subject. The reality is I’m saying goodbye to my beloved brother whom I love the most.

But I have to remember that I’m following God’s direction and with Him I will not be disappointed. God, Your love makes it worth it all.

New York

New York was amazing. I’m still on a high from being in the big apple. That place was the highlight of the trip so far and I think most of the team will agree. I don’t know when I’ll get to go again so I tried to soak it in as best I could. I got to sightsee with Silas, Jess, Serena, Kris, and Tess. We walked all Times Square but the best part was Central Park. We picked up Jamba Juice and Starbucks and laid in the sun on a giant rock. It was actually one of the most relaxing times of my whole year. I could live in a big city. Maybe I should dream big.

Tour Struggles

Four migraines since this tour started.

Can you say... attack???

Satan, cut it out, you can't ruin this.

Tour Redemption

These past fews days have been difficult to say the least. I've had a terrible attitude and have been far too sensitive to everyone around me. Today Serena and I had to escape and get a manicure. I know it sounds petty and princessy but it was completely necessary. For thirty minutes all my cares floated away. It was divine. The day got increasingly better because after dinner I had a serious talk with Serena and Mark, impromptu, and we discussed some serious problems that we're facing. It was fantastic. We didn't talk in a gossipy way at all and we really worked on some stuff. I was so hyped afterwards! And then later on I talked with Jess about some stuff and that was really good too. Everything is falling back into place and I'm relying on God to fill me up again. I need some fresh oil tomorrow; I need to restart.

Tour Frustrations!!!!

(the following was written in the van)

Dear Tour,

I'm over you. I think it best to spend some time apart. And this may hurt but I'm thinking it would be best to make this separation permanent. It's not me, it's you. You are awful and I can honestly say that I hate you. I hate you with a burning in my soul. You are the bane of my existence and I would like to kick you in the face repeatedly with steel toed boots. I would like to stab you in the liver with a windshield wiper and slice a hole in your neck and fill it with bees. Please leave promptly because I can no longer be around you. Your stench makes me vomitus and your voice makes my ears bleed.

Jemima

I would imagine my life without tour to be a series of rave parties that never run out of hot men and strong drinks. I imagine it to be like riding a unicorn for the first time. I imagine it to be like finding a million dollars in your underwear drawer. I imagine it to be like punching Miley Cyrus in the mouth or drop kicking Paris Hilton's dog. I imagine it to be like a marriage with Michael Buble... pure perfection.

But alas...

Life is like when you slam your hand in the car door.

Life is like hearing your high school crush is getting married.

Life is like when your cat is murdered by your mother.

Life is like a shark attack.

Life is like when Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson's breast at the Superbowl. Awkward, uncomfortable, and distasteful.

But in all seriousness, I need some prayer. Today is a rough day and I have absolutely no patience.

Update on Tour

Saying goodbye to the other tour was really difficult. Mostly to Josh. Its hard because I don’t know when I’ll get to see him again. Serena and I have talked about going down to Cali in the summer perhaps for a short road trip but who knows what will happen. I’ve really appreciated my recent friendship with him and I’ll miss him immensely. Also it was hard to say goodbye to Sam too. Mostly because he was one of my first goodbye to someone who I actually know and care a bunch about. As we hugged I told him I’d see him in January and those words seemed so foreign to me. They were hard to get out. I don’t like the idea that I’m saying goodbye for so long.

After we left the Northwest team we drove for a few hours and had a great devotion time. Serena gave her testimony and I was a wreck because of saying goodbye and the power of her story. Afterwards we prayed for near 30 minutes for our team and for the church we were driving to. The service on Sunday was nice, the people were the sweetest! They had a mothers day potluck afterwards with some pretty sweet ribs. We were fortunate enough to get showers at a local gym and then we hit the road for Rapid City South Dakota. We ate at Bostons and had some good pasta but we choked it down so that we’d make the 9:40 showing of Iron Man 2. The movie was crap and I almost fell asleep. We spent the night at a church and left for Mount Rushmore in the morning. Rushmore was truly amazing. What vision! So cool. The whether definitely rained on our parade but we tried to make the best of it. On the way to Mitchell South Dakota we stopped at Wall SD which was such a cute little cowboy town. We took some sick pictures. Currently we’re in the van on the way to Mitchell where we’ll spent the night at a church and leave for the Corn Palace and then drive all day long! Oh man… I need some more patience!

Mom

Happy Mother's Day! I love you so much! At church this morning we're answering a question about our moms. "What was the most important thing your mom taught you?" I have so many ideas because you've taught me so much! I miss you like crazy!

Yellowstone

Today was Yellowstone day. We went with the NW team and toured the park. We were still completely separated though. I didn’t know how much Yellowstone involved cars. But none the less we had a great time. We saw two bears and tons of bison. Many many many pictures were taken. Rob started two snowball fights and then Kris and Rob had one in the van…. I received some of the brunt of that unfortunately. My butt is still wet. We’re getting so close as a team. I’m loving it. Lots of laughs and I’m seeing my friendships grow immensely. Can’t say I’ll be miserable going home though, 4 more weeks is a long time.

Tour Ramblings

I realize titling these blogs by there day is futile. I won't be blogging everyday. Well blog, here's what you've missed. We headed to Great Falls thursday morning. That church was amazing! They received our skits really well. Lots of laughter and people entered into worship well. The church was legit so we had fun playing with the spotlight and the crazy stage. We performed for a college group of about 20 who normally meet in a house so they were super chill. We hung out with them afterwards at Applebees and had a wonderful time. They reminded me and Tess of the Veritas group at Eastside. (the college and twenty somethings group) There were plenty of cute guys I must say. Actually the majority of the group was men and the majority of them were living on the local Airforce base. So basically they were great guys. None of us girls could carry anything to the trailer before some guy would take it out of our hands. They were super polite. I do love good American boys. : )

We spent the night at the youth pastors house, however he wasn't there but two of the young adults were house sitting. They had a MASSIVE dog named Mishka who shed on all of us. Kris was allergic and my allergies weren't really happy either. Anyways, we woke up early and hit the road for Billings Montana to meet up with the other team. (this is yesterday) I woke up in a foul mood, probably because I didn't sleep well. I fought my attitude all day long. The ride was about 5 hours and didn't seem too bad. We had to get Jafar (the van)'s water pump fixed.... so there went all of our extra money... anyways. We met up with the team at the church was watched them perform. They were great and made us all proud. We were totally convicted by the amount of prayer that goes into their service so last night we had a team impromptu prayer session about it. It was SOOO GOOD! All of us girls went to this amazing house to spend the night with some amazing people. We have been so blessed by the host families so far. WE're in what hte tour last year referred to as "the love house" because this couple got married three years ago. They came into the marriage with kids and as they dated they took a Godly approach. They actually built this house together to see if they could make decisions together and to see if their marriage could actually last. Such a cool story. I slept on the pull out couch with Kris and we had some great talks.

Today is Yellowstone day with the other team! We're excited to hang with them today however Serena and I are dreading saying goodbye to Josh. He'll be moved back to California by the time we get back from tour so we won't be seeing him till... who knows when! I think he's dreading it even more. Oh well, I can't let this overshadow my day. God give me a better attitude today!

Tour Day 2

Hello Montana! Oh America, how sweet you are. Tonight we were in Kalispell MT and as the worship started I looked to the stage from back in the sound booth and my heart stopped for a second. I saw on the corner of the stage an American flag. Oh how that warmed my heart. The service tonight was small but they were all so sweet to us. I saw a lot to change in our service but I think I’m just overly critical tonight, mostly due to the fact that I spoke the sermon. Yea… you know, no matter how many people tell me they liked my sermon I just can’t help myself but to nit pick every little detail. “I spoke too fast and the sermon wasn’t long enough.” “I stumbled over a few words in the scripture I memorized.” “I paced” you know all the little details that don’t really matter. Rob was overjoyed by my tie in to the Brady Bunch and my analogy of how in the Brady Bunch after the second season they wrote out the family dog, Tiger, but kept the dog house because a stage light burnt a hole in the Astroturf and they needed to cover it up with something. I related that to the church and how the church tends to just cover up their burnt Astroturf with doghouses and after so many doghouses the yard loses its function because no one can even walk through all the doghouses. Rob was laughing through it and loving it. But I wasn’t too happy about it. Honestly, the pacing doesn’t matter in the slightest, and I didn’t really talk that fast, in fact I think it was nice that I was a little short. And seriously! I memorized 1 Corinthians 12:12-27. That’s 15 verses, so a few messed up words on my first time reciting it for an audience is acceptable!

After the service I was under some serious attack by the enemy. No one from the church commented about my sermon and no one came for prayer so satan knew that he could get me by feeding me lies. I got so down on myself that I was loading props in the prop box and near tears when Rob came up to me. It was totally the Lord because at my lowest point it was then that Rob walked up to me and said so sweetly, “Jemima… that was remarkable. Really, I had never heard you preach.” After that he gave me a great idea about how to wrap it up in the end, and I’m totally going to add it to my sermon. I really need to just get over myself. That’s what really needs to happen.

Ok, wrap up… last night we slept at a church in Cranbrook BC. No showers, but we had a nice carpeted floor. This morning all of us girls washed our hair in the sink. The hot water ran out before Kris and I could so we got a nice wake up call with ice cold water. We went to Denny’s for brunch and then drove 3 hours to get to Kalispell. I’ve already had a mountain dew and got to stop at Target, so I’m a happy camper. No one has killed each other and I consider this a plus.

Currently I’m at a lady’s house with Tess and Jess. Mary is super nice, her husband went away to allow us to have our girls sleep over so its just us and her two little dogs, Benson and Bo. Benson is a crack up. Of all the things, Mary lived in Corvallis for a while and that’s where she met her husband. She lived behind The Big O restaurant on fourth street. Her house is really cute and TOTALLY Montana. Big antlers on the wall and a super nice gun safe in the office. Tess looked at me once Mary went to bed and said, “That’s a big safe.” And I knew that she didn’t know it was a gun safe. I informed her of what it was. Haha. I feel right at home here. Mary and her husband Bill ride motorcycles and drive semi-trucks. Good God loving people. Tomorrow we’re off to Great Falls MT for a youth and young adult service and then we get to meet up with the other team on Friday! I can’t wait!

Day One on the Road

And we’re off! We’re on our way to Cranbook BC for the night with no show and then into Montana tomorrow where we’ll be doing a family service for a church in Kalispell. I’m pretty nervous because I’m doing the sermon for that service. Well, I guess I’m not really nervous at all, I guess I just expect myself to get nervous but in reality I’m STOKED to speak. I’ve been jealous of the other three that have already spoken and I can’t wait to get my hands on the mic! What a change from the past, eh? I used to dread even speaking my name in front of people and now I can hardly wait to preach a whole sermon. I’m not kidding when I say that I’m in love with my team. Of course I could change quickly after a week or two in this van but right now I’m loving this trip. These people are beyond fantastic and I am honored to travel with them. What a generous loving group of people. We’ve been praying for the other team that they are as united as we are. I hope they experience the power of unity like we are. They have two more weeks and then they’re done! Crazy! And we just left today!

I want to strive for excellence this trip. I know we have the potential to rock the house because we’re fully relying on God each service. I can’t see anything wrong with that. With that motto we’re sure to succeed. I want to do my Father in Heaven proud. I want Him to smile down on me tomorrow night. I know that with His help, the words out of my mouth (His) will impact the church. This trip is different then the Thailand one in many ways. This trip is really our baby, Rob didn’t plan this we did. He facilitated places for us to perform it but it was us. We all want to do some serious damage to the strong holds that satan has over these churches. I want our eyes to remain on God this whole trip, not just while we’re on stage. If we lose sight of why we’re doing this there is no point to our message.

God give me strength this trip and help me to bring your message to the churches across Canada and across the States.

Forward!

Today I pack up my room, put all my belongings in storage, and check out of this tiny dorm room. Its a bittersweet goodbye, like most are. I'm excited to finally be leaving for tour. We've been preforming since Friday night, however, we haven't hit the road yet. I really want to get going. But I'm not excited to say goodbye to this chapter in my life. This room has been my sanctuary all year long and its hard to leave it. RA was challenging, SLT was stressful, but the year was fun and this room saw it all. Praise the Lord I made it to the end!

So far this team of 9 people and one leader is absolutely extraordinary. I love each of them. Seriously, I was worried that I'd hate some people because of annoyance factor but so far we're good! haha. No actually this team has bonded very closely in the past week. We've practiced and practiced and practiced and we're ready to leave. I can't wait to find out what's in-store in the weeks to come. I have a new family to road trip with and I'm thrilled to do so. I suppose saying goodbye to PLBC for eight months isn't so bad when you're doing it side by side with your family. PLBC, you've been great, now on to tour and Grenada. Look out world, here I come!