2010

"And you ask me what I want this year and I try to make this kind and clear, just a chance that maybe we'll find... better days." Better Days by The Goo Goo Dolls

When I dream of what's to come in the new year I see car lights in the driveway. I was listening to the song "Where We Gonna From Here" by Mat Kearney when I got that picture. The line is "car lights in the driveway I wonder who's going.. coming my way. Tomorrow we're turning down the highway..." I can see potential in the new year but I don't know what that means. I can't explain it very well, but I feel unusually optimistic about 2010. That's why the idea of car lights in the driveway fits so well.

You know when you were young and you waited at the window for someone to come home. Be it your parents, or visiting Grandparents, when those head lights broke the darkness and veered into the driveway your heart jumped. I'm sitting in the window sill; waiting. The new year holds infinite possibilities and I know that I will see better days turning down my driveway.

Tuesday

1st- read previous post to understand this.

Today was the day of excitement! Or so it was supposed to me. So, what happened? What did I learn? Nothing... absolutely nothing. I wasn't expecting anything big, but at least something. Nope, I spent the whole day being lazy and not doing much but my hair and nails.

Hmm. Maybe the dream didn't mean a thing.

Prego

Last Wednesday night I had an odd, to say the least, dream. I dreamt that I was back at school, nothing too exciting, except for the fact that I was 9 months pregnant. So was Leah, we were both crazy prego. She was due in a few weeks but I was for sure due Tuesday. In fact I went to a group of my friends and asked them to keep me in their prayers on Tuesday. The dream was incredibly vivid and believable. I woke up at around 4 in the morning completely spinning with confusion. In my dream I felt pregnant and when I woke up I felt it too. Like I had a phantom giant belly. To weird.

Its commonly known that dreams of pregnancy can mean that you're going to birth something new in your life. Tomorrow is Tuesday..... lets see what happens!

Christmas

Christmas 2009 is over and it was one of the best. God has truly blessed me. My family is absolutely incredible and I love how comfortable I am around them. This year's holiday has turned into a three day event. The first at my parents house, Christmas Eve tradition of a couple of varieties of soup followed by opening presents! Both my parents were raised opening their gifts on Christmas Eve, so its all I've known. Personally I like the idea. : ) Today (Christmas Day) started at my parents house with stockings and I made lunch. Then we went over to my brother and sister's place for the afternoon for games, Prime rib for dinner, and The Santa Clause for after dinner entertainment. Tomorrow will be lunch with my aunt and uncle in McMinnville and some shopping. Pretty darn perfect if you ask me.

Not only have I been blessed by the presents my family got me, but I'm so blessed in all aspects of my life. God has me in such a great place, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Being at home for the past two weeks has re-energized me and I've still got two more weeks to soak in some more Oregon.

Thank you Lord for everything. You've really got my back.

Pits

Sometimes life is the pits......

Freedom in this Place

Once again blog.... this one is kinda cryptic, but oh well. I broke something in my life this Christmas break. I broke a stronghold that I've had in my life for over four years. What a victory! I know that this won't be easy to keep up but in Christ alone my hope is found. I can finally see myself free from this stupid anchor that I've been holding on to. Now maybe I can make it to the surface.

Christmas wish

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?

In the lane snow is glistening

A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight

Walking in a winter wonderland

Gone away is the blue bird

Here to stay is the new bird

He sings a love song

As we go along

Walking in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman

Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

He'll say, are you married?

We'll say, no man

But you can do the job when you're in town

Later on we'll conspire,

As we dream by the fire

To face unafraid,

The plans that we've made

Walking in a winter wonderland

I'm Obsessed With This Girl Named Jemima

Some people have mentioned the fact that I post many pictures of myself. That is for one reason... obviously I'm obsessed with myself. NOT! I like to post a picture to show how I'm feeling as I'm writing. Puts a face/emotion to the words. Mostly this blog is for me, I don't write for anyone else. I look back on my posts often and think back to how what I was feeling at that moment.

So for all those people that judge me and think I'm full of myself, you can go eat my keys.

Home

Wait.... Let me look around... yup... I'm home. I've been here for a few days and I still can't believe it. I keep thinking that I'm going back soon because I'm only ever here for 3 or 4 days at a time. Its hard for me to grasp that I'm here for a month, and its hard for my mom too. She's giving me hugs and kisses every second and coming in to say goodnight every night. I love my mama to the core. Oh home.. I love you so.

Upside Down

"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown, but why am I ten feet under and upside down?"

That lyric was my theme for the semester. At times I couldn't even see the surface and had no hope for ever finding it. God has brought me out of the depths of the semester and proven to me that He is faithful no matter what.

Lets see what's in store for next semester!

Completion

And so ends 2nd year 1st semester......

When my world comes crashing in, when I stop Lord you begin.

Insanity Is My Best Friend

All the finals, the papers, the projects have finally taken their toll.

Oh The Changes....

It's my final lifegroup for the semester and I'm about to ask the girls what was their greatest challenge of this past semester and what was their greatest victory and I guess I have to figure out my answers. My greatest challenge this semester was dealing with the fact that home is no longer where I want it to be. Home is here, not in Oregon. It was easier last year to say that I live in Oregon, but now it seems strange to say that since I've been gone for so long. I'm leaving Saturday to spend a month in Corvallis and that's the longest I've been home since last Christmas. Life isn't exactly what I thought it would be and that's hard sometimes. I always pictured myself in a different place as a different person at this stage but God's timing isn't exactly the same as mine. And I'm starting to be ok with that.

My greatest victory this semester was the point at which I realized that I'm actually content with being single. I know that sounds petty, but its true. At many times I've been emotionally unstable at the thought of my, what I like to call "impending hopeless doom that is my relationship status." But no longer. Gone are the tears about my situation and I am happy with where I'm at. FINALLY! SUCCESS!

This semester hasn't been easy at all in fact at times I felt like I was drowning, but it's coming to an end. Praise God for all that's He's brought me through. These pictures highlight some of the good times I've had the last three months. There are way more then blogger will let me upload.

I Don't Expect Anyone to Get This, Its Not For You, Its For Me

Here I go doubting myself again. Questioning every decision I've made. Do I even know what I want? Do I even know what I need? I'm so lost. Running over every word I've said through my head a dozen times. Maybe if I keep saying them then I'll start to mean it. Maybe it will be right. Maybe just maybe, in the end I'll get what I want.

Tears hit my keys faster than my fingers can type these words.

You Are Faithful

I've just realized that there has been an underlining theme this semester. "Ok God..... I believe that You are faithful and You will provide." Its not fully a declaratory statement, more of an attempt to convince myself of something. I keep telling my self that and hoping that I will eventually believe it. That's what this semester is truly about. I thought that my lesson of this semester would be training up my leadership skills but in reality it is a test to see how I respond in taxing situations. I hope I pass, because if I flunk it I'll have to take the test over again.

I'm on the road to reality, I don't know what's in front of me

Happy 100th post!

Thinking past to all my blog posts I look like I should be medicated for Bi-polar depression. Since I started this blog I've experienced my fair share of ups and downs. But I can't deny that through out all of this chaos God has been my constant. He is what I depend on in times of trouble and times of uncertainty. He is my safe harbor, my guiding wind, and my light house. He is my everything.

At 100 posts, I can honestly say that I am 100% satisfied with my life and where God has me. For example, currently I'm sitting in my room listening to Silas play blues on the guitar, Sarah is reading 2 Thessalonians, and Jess is just being Jess.... not really sure what's she up too. Sarah just wrote the SICKEST song line "I'm on the road to reality, I don't know what's in front of me." Straight brilliant. That's my blog in a nut shell.

Thank you God for what you've brought me through and what's you've got me in right now.

The Best Thing

I was listening to some Relient K and this song really spoke to me, I changed some of the words to fit my current situation.

Its been a semester filled with problems but why aren't You here to solve them?

I can't live in a world without You now.

All my life I've been searching for You, how did I survive in this world before You?

Cuz I don't want to live another day without You now.

I think I've expected God or someone else to solve all my problems, but in reality I need to step up to the plate and take care of myself. I've always wanted to be an adult.... well here you go.

Ugh

Ever got exactly what you wanted and suddenly not want it anymore?

Why don't I know what I want? I'm so back and forth about everything.

Sometimes I get myself into trouble.

Twinzies

Today I did something completely stupid. Something I would have never been caught dead doing in high school when I actually cared about my self image. The funny thing is that I cared so much for my "image" in high school that I really didn't have one. No one knew me because I didn't let anyone know me for fear that they would think I was too weird. Now a days I could care less about my "image". PLBC is family and with family you can let your guard down. Today I walked around school looking like a complete idiot dressed in ridiculous Thai diaper pants, soccer socks, flip flops, huge black glasses, and crazy hair all in the name of Twin Day. Serena and I lived the characters of Marlene and Martine, two dweebie twins that can't dress well but know how to party. We won the competition but mostly we won the satisfaction of doing exactly what we wanted while being completely supported by all our friends. Yes, they laughed at us, but I think they were all jealous that they didn't have the guts to do what we did. We had an a crazy idea and we went for it.

Hello Kim, Can We Be Friends Forever?

Two day worship fest with Kim Walker....

NEED I SAY MORE?!?!?!

She is truly amazing to worship with. This whole weekend was spectacular in every way. I bonded closely with Jess, Silas, Sam, and Matt and got to see my dear Josh at Eastside! Praise God for how He worked in all of our lives. I loved how we shared with each other about how God spoke to us and we prayed for one another. So cool! I feel totally refreshed and refocused!

Come On Baby, You Can Do It

Can this really be possible? Can it be only two weeks from today it's Thanksgiving? And only two weeks from that is my final class of this hellish semester? I have so much to do with so little time but I have all hope that I'll be able to get through it with help from my loving God. I need to write a paper on "How God is personal" and that's something I'm experiencing more and more each day. I have recently encountered a strength that is not my own, it is something that I don't even understand. I should be in the curled up in the corner crying my eyes out, but in fact I am excited about life and getting through each assignment one at a time. It's like God actually flipped on the headlights like I mentioned in my previous post. I can see the finish line and I'm picking up speed to get there. I want to finish well, I want to make my Daddy in Heaven proud.

Headlights

Ok God, this is the point where I need some strength. I'm so tired. I'm straight weary with all this work. Oh God, how can I possibly get this all done? I need some supernatural help.

"Help me out God I need a little something, turn the brights on I can't see where I'm going."

Blurr

In the midst of a blurry outlook and a whirlwind life I am beginning to see the beauty in my circumstance. I'm am championing a difficult time by looking to my King for clarity.

Treehouse

Tonight I sat at a table in Clements coffee area at our school among several other people for a near three hour concert showcasing many of my close friends. They covered the tables with white paper and left crayons in the center to coax our creativity. I sat with three of my closest girlfriends. Something was said, I don't know what, having to do with our singleness or past flings and a subtle sadness dropped on us. I decided to draw a tree. Leah quickly drew one that had fallen, and we giggled a little. I drew the trunk and contemplated how to make my tree. Most of us girls are notorious for drawing dead trees, mine are horrific, but Leah's are extraordinary. I mentally planned out each branch but I couldn't draw it out. I couldn't get myself to start it. It was right then when I decided that I was done with drawing dead trees, I would make a flourishing green one. I started on it and Silas came and sat down beside me. He leaned over and asked, "Are you drawing a tree?" I said yes, and he said, "Draw a treehouse." I scoffed and said, "I don't know how to draw those." "Yes you do, just draw it." He answered. I stared at my tree not knowing how to go about making in into a treehouse. But then I just went for it. It was pretty to say the least, but as I started to draw it I felt peace. I felt healing.

I didn't know how to draw a treehouse because I didn't know how to think that way. Let me explain. Obviously, due to the previous dead vs. alive tree comment, the tree is a metaphor for my life and I didn't know how to visualize a house in that tree. My picture of the future isn't positive and putting a house in that tree shows that I'm building my future. It shows that I have hope. That I'm standing firm on God's promises.

My tree has a house.

: )

Don't let my melancholy words fool you. I'm ok, I'm fine. I have to be. I have no other choice. Let me slip on my smile mask and then no one will know what's really going on underneath. I could probably explode emotions all over you, but I'll control myself. I have to keep it together.

I Need an Escape

I just feel like I'm spinning in a dark room. I can't tell what's up or down and I'm aimlessly crashing into things. I'm bleeding and bruised with tear stained cheeks. I'm just trying to find a way out, an escape. Get me out. Get me out of this hell that I've put myself in.

Dreams

Ugh, lately I've been having such vivid dreams that I can actually feel them. While having most of my dreams I usually know that they're just dreams and aren't real, but these, are just as real as life. I know my dreams aren't from the Lord or anything, they are purely a reflection of what I want. Literally, my dreams coming true. That's what makes them so difficult to wake up to. I open my eyes and realize that in fact my life is the same as I'd left it and it's disappointing.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I just haven't met you yet

by Michael Buble

I'm not surprised

not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times,

I stop keeping track.

Talk myself in

I talk myself out

I get all worked up

and then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to loose it

I came up with a million excuses

I thought I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out

you'll make me work so we can work to work it out

and I promise you kid that I'll give you so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait

I'll never give up

I guess it's half timing

and the other half's luck

wherever you are

whenever it's right

you come out of nowhere and into my life

and I know that we can be so amazing

and baby your love is gonna change me

and now I can see every possibility

and I know someday that it'll all turn out

you'll make me work so we can work to work it out

and I promise you kid that I'll give you so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet

they say all's fair

and in love and war

but I won't need to fight it

we'll get it right

and we'll be united

It Hurts

Sometimes I ask myself why I dress up, why I straighten my hair, wear jewelry. What's the point? I guess I just want to be seen. JUST SEE ME. AREN'T I WORTH IT?

I just want to be seen. Its never happened and I'm losing hope that it ever will.

I Want the Moon

There once was a little girl who dreamed big. She never let anything stop her from getting what she wanted. One night she looked up and saw the moon and said "Daddy, I want the moon." He said to her "Well, the mountains are in the way." "Daddy will you move the mountains?" She asked. "Baby, for you I'd move the whole Earth." He responded.

Savior you can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save

Beautiful

I need you like the rain

Come to me and sing again

I long for your love so much

I've wanted your pure touch

You are Beautiful

Beautiful

You are Beautiful

Beautiful, so Beautiful

Beautiful

I need you to be here

Come to me I can feel you near

I love you, you are my hope

You love me as your own

You are Beautiful

Beautiful

You are Beautiful

Beautiful, so Beautiful

Beautiful

God you are so beautiful. I need you, come to me

Done

Put a fork in me. I'm done. Done with the search, done with the questions. I'm done.

I'm Smothering Myself

Only You by JJ Heller

Are you the little girl who locks herself inside her room
Waiting to be rescued
Or are you the captain of war
That he began to prove his merit as a man

Everyone is known for something
What’s it going to be for you

Are you the picture of perfection
But when it comes down to it you don’t have a clue
Or are you the center of attention at all times
God help the man who takes away your chance to shine

Everyone is known for something
What’s it going to be for you
No one else can paint your portrait
With an unobstructed view

You’re the one who gets to choose
How much of you you’ve got to lose
How much of you you’ve yet to gain
Who are you...

I think I am the little girl who locks herself inside of her room waiting to be rescued. I live my life so guarded so worried about getting hurt but the reality is that I'm hurting myself way more by holding back. I need to be rescued from myself. I am holding myself back from the girl I could be.

Holding On

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

Fairy Tales

Little girls are raised to believe that someday their prince will come on a white horse and sweep them off their feet and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. What a ridiculous thing to teach a child! Life is not a fairy tale. There is no such thing as living happily ever after, and there is no such thing as "the perfect prince". But girls lets get serious, there's no such thing as the innocent princess that stays in the castle waiting for her prince and is perfect in every single way. The whole scenario is complete bull. Fairy tales are purely a picture of the "ideal" life.

This is what happens in fairy tales:

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here
Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood
For shame she says
None for you dear prince, i'm tired today
I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

Snow White is doing dishes again cause
What else can you do
With seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and calls up a friend
Says will you meet me at midnight?
The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says
Would have cut it myself if i knew men could climb hair
I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows

Head Cold Thoughts

I've been trapped in my room for two and a half days with a horrible vicious cold and consequently have had a lot of time to think about my life. When you're hacking, sneezing, and blowing you often stop to think about the current state of your life, at least I did. How pathetic am I? Constantly thinking about boys and subsequently wasting my life away. Why can't I be happy with the here and now? My head is pounding from the pressure of my sinuses but also from the pressure I put on myself to find someone. It's all me, I'm the only one consistantly asking myself, "Why don't you have someone yet?" My sister is heartbroken because it seems like everyone around her is getting pregnant and she's been trying for over a year with no success, and that's how I feel. Everyone's getting together, engaged, or married. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but envious too. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Flip Flop

I am two minded. One mind says "I'm ok", that I'm content. The other says "I'M SO MISERABLE!" Which one will win? Somedays I am happy and sincerely satisfied with life, but others I concede to my more melancholy side. Its draining to flip flop back and forth and I find myself wondering who I really am. Am I happy or am I sad?

Victory in Victoria

This weekend was precisely what I needed. I need to be away from campus, away from all my stress, and to just relax. I officially LOVE Victoria BC.

And Out of the Darkness There Came a Light...

I've had a difficult begining. I put too much stock in the fall and my life imploaded on itself. I was experiencing a dark night of the soul, and it was rough, real rough. Too many tears, fits, and outragious thoughts. I had to put an end to it.

Sunday night I cried and yelled it out with God. He was clear, "Who are you serving? Yourself? Or me?" Wow, seems so simple yet entirely profound. I had been serving myself. I made a turn around. Along with Courtenay and Serena I wrote down all the lies I'd told my self and all the stuff I'd been focusing on. I wrote these down before I left to pray so afterwards I realized that all that I'd written down were things that I'd been serving. I burnt them and watched the ashes blow away. And I felt a peace. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I am empty ready for God to fill me. Pour it on God!

I'm Getting Used To It

Broken Heart by Motion City Soundtrack

I’ll start this broken heart
I’ll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I’ll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that’s yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love
But I get carried away with every day

And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it
I’ll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They’ll never guess what’s not inside
I’ll express myself with ease,
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they’ll talk to me
But I get carried away with every page
In every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it
I’ll destroy this useless heart
I’ll mess it up so it’ll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone
But I get carried away
with every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate
So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it, you just have to live with it

I don't want anyone reading this blog to think that I have a broken heart, but so many of these lines are far too true for me right now.